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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Question Did you ever forgive him - April 23rd 2012, 11:04 PM

I just can't seem to forgive the guy that raped me but I'm tired of carrying around so much anger toward him and not being able to do anything about it.
So I was wondering if you were ever able to forgive the person that raped you?


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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 23rd 2012, 11:24 PM

This is a very interesting question. I don't think I forgave him, or anyone else who has abused me for that matter, but I have moved forward. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for hurting me like that -- it took me years to accept what had happened and cope with it. I'm okay with that.
   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 23rd 2012, 11:52 PM

I never forgave the man who raped me and frankly I never will, but I've forgiven myself for letting it control me for so long and learned to move on from the past and learn from my experience.
I don't think we need to forgive anyone to stop living in anger and fear, we just need to learn how to start a new chapter in the story that is our lives and move on with it.


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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 24th 2012, 01:00 AM

If you forgive it doesnt mean what the person did was right or okay. When you forgive your saying I forgive you not for what you did but so I can heal.
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 24th 2012, 08:53 AM

I wasn't raped, but I will probably never forgive the guys who sexually assaulted me. You don't have to forgive them, just don't let it control you.


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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 24th 2012, 11:19 PM

Thank your for your replies i really appreciate it.
How have y'all moved on.
I've been in therapy for a while. And to some extent I've moved on. Im definitely much better than I was when it first happened but I feel stuck now. I don't know where to go from here.


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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 25th 2012, 10:50 AM

Well therapy is a big help. And another thing that helps you to accept it and move on, is to remember that it was not your fault, this person made a bad decision that affected you, and it can't be undone, but it's not worth letting it affect the rest of your life, if you do let it, you're essentially letting them win, and I know that for me anyway, the last thing I want to do is give them the satisfaction of winning and having that much control over my life.


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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 25th 2012, 07:13 PM

I've never forget the boy that did it to me or what he did, but I has moved forward.
I refused to let the things that happened to me in the past stop me from being who I want to be today. So, I think that you can accept it, but never forgive or forget it.
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 25th 2012, 07:26 PM

I will never forgive him. He reduced me to an absolute mess, and i'm constantly having flashbacks even though it was 3 1/2 years ago. He abused that trust so badly.

I'm currently attending group therapy, and i'm on medication. Looking to start trauma therapy soon.





   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 27th 2012, 03:16 AM

I'm not sure if I forgave him or not for the whole situation. I was young and blamed myself for the entire thing- It took a long time, but like a few others, I moved forward (it wash also pretty easy to do for my age at the time). I never saw him again, and I still try to make sure I never see him.
   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 29th 2012, 02:39 AM

I NEVER forgave him. I'm tired of being so anger/hurt too. But I just can't
   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 29th 2012, 03:18 AM

I've never forgiven either of the guys that raped me, but I guess I just got tired of hating them for it.
   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 29th 2012, 04:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by no.ordinary.dreamer View Post
Thank your for your replies i really appreciate it.
How have y'all moved on.
I've been in therapy for a while. And to some extent I've moved on. Im definitely much better than I was when it first happened but I feel stuck now. I don't know where to go from here.
Hey there,

I am going to go ahead and answer your Original question and then answer this second question about how other survivors have moved on.

Now, I think the concept of forgiving the person who raped me is a difficult one to really, fully comprehend or discuss. Due to the circumstances surrounding my abuse, I.E. I was a child, I went through a period of repression. I am not going to go into a long and involved story about that but when I finally 'remembered' (and I use that term loosely) I felt so much anger, rage, sadness, hurt and confusion. Those might be similar to the feelings you have. Now, for a long time all I could think about were the things that were done to me and how my abusers were living out in the world without a care in the world and it pissed me off. However, as time went by and I started thinking about things and assesing things the anger I felt seemed to diminish a bit. I guess there are times when I think I have forgiven my abusers in a sense because I can think about them and not think angry thoughts towards them. However, I will admit that I don't think I have fully come to forgive them and I am not sure if I ever will because when I get flashbacks or think about the ways in which their abuse affected my life I get angry and start thinking angry thoughts towards them again. But, I can say that since 'remembering' I feel a whole lot stronger and better about my life than I ever have before. The hard thing about being a survivor is there are going to be good days and bad days and during those bad days I think the anger we feel towards our abusers will be stronger. But, as time goes by and as you heal you will notice that the bad days are further and further apart.

As for how other survivors have healed; the process is different for absolutely everyone and there is no set time on the healing process. Just let yourself heal at your own pace; as frustrating as the healing process is don't push yourself because it will only stress you out more. I also think it is important that those people who are working on healing learn to forgive themselves and let go of the anger they harbor towards themselves. I am sure that in therapy you and your therapist have talked about this and are working on it but I found, for me, that when I started to really forgive myself the healing really started to begin. Another thing I found helpful was journaling, it helped me to get rid of the bad flashbacks/memories by writing them down and there were a few writings that I felt comfortable sharing with my therapist. This helped get me comfortable with talking about my abuse more indepth in therapy and the shame surrounding, while it hasn't completely gone away, has diminished. Another thing you could look into is getting involved in a group that deals with survivors or rape. It could really benefit you.

I hope this helped in some way. If you ever want to chat please feel free to pm me.

Jenna


   
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Re: Did you ever forgive him - April 29th 2012, 05:06 AM

I was never raped, but i was abused sexually by a male babysitter when i was six years old and it still bothers me to this day, i hate seeing him and looking at him because he lives down the street from me. so no, i never forgave him.


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