I need advice about a previous abusive relationship... -
April 28th 2012, 07:34 PM
This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.
I feel silly even as I type this, but I kind of need to reach out and I know that I am not ready to do so in real life outside of talking to my therapist. She knows about this already, but I still feel so alone with it. I've talked to a close friend as well but nobody but only my therapist knows the details. This is going to be long.
I was in an abusive relationship last year, from February to this past August, in which I was sexually and verbally abused and manipulated. I was told and made to feel that I wasn't good enough for her or for anybody. It got to a point where I just did everything she asked me to do. I never spoke to my friends about what was going on- in fact, when they asked if we'd had sex I simply said "yes." I never spoke to my teacher or guidance counselor about it because my girlfriend was close to both of them as well, and they were really the only two adults I ever felt that I could talk to. I kept everything in. Most people thought our relationship was great and healthy. There were times where even I convinced myself, though I knew something was wrong. She guilted me because she was depressed, and after we broke up she told everyone and me that she wanted to kill herself. She gave me so much guilt, as though it was all my fault. I begged her not to. She ended up in hospital after telling my teacher she was going to kill herself. She was sent to hospital again in February, after yelling at me over the phone for hours about how everything was my fault, I wasn't helping her enough, and I cried and begged her not to do anything. She hung up on me and told her therapist she was going to kill herself and was sent back. I know she had issues as well, but I can't help but feel like she only did this to get back at me, to put me through more pain and guilt than she already had during our relationship for breaking up with her and not being good enough for her.
During our relationship, I got much worse in my health regarding an ED and self harm among other things. Afterwards, I continued to get worse. I asked my counselor for help seeking therapy and in December started attending regular therapy with a wonderful therapist. I opened up about my abuse about a month ago. Now that I've told someone, now that she makes me talk about it and deal with it, it's all I can think about at night, it hinders my comfort in school when I have to look and talk to my ex every day, and I find myself more distanced from my teacher and counselor (I used to be very close to them, I think other students thought it was weird how close we were.) I feel like I can't talk to them knowing that they think my ex is so wonderful because she's so tragic and yet gets great grades and participates in school. They wouldn't believe me, probably. They wouldn't believe that someone who had been through so much would hurt me like that. They would think I'm being bitter about the relationship or something. And it's not just them- it's everyone at school. I don't want everyone to know, of course, and I graduate in less than two months and I'll be out of there anyway... I just feel so... alone, so uncomfortable.
I hate that the only time I get to talk to anybody about what happened is once a week for one hour with someone who is paid to do so. I really, really miss being able to openly talk to people like my teacher and counselor. Because I've distanced myself from them and other people I was close to, I can't talk to anybody about anything- not even just about the abuse. I wish I could be close to people again but my anxiety has gotten so much worse around people.
I don't know where this is going. I just feel so misplaced and distanced and entirely and completely alone and I don't know what to do at all. I feel like I'll never be able to be in a relationship again- whether it be with a girl or with a boy- because I am afraid of being raped again or manipulated in such an awful, dissociating way. And I feel like there is no point in recovering from anything else I'm going through because I will never recover from this. I don't know. I might sound so silly right now, so melodramatic. I can't even form a coherent sentence.
I hate her. I hate what she did to me. And I hate everyone else at that school because they don't know, because they like her. And I feel like that isn't her fault- it's mine. I'm stupid, it was my fault, I should've done something, I could've done something, and I didn't do anything.
Re: I need advice about a previous abusive relationship... -
April 28th 2012, 08:56 PM
I would like say that I'm very sorry this happened to you. However, on the other hand, you are doing all of the right things. You reached out and got help. Yeah, you may still be struggling -- but it takes time to get over situations like these. It doesn't stop hurting after a set amount of time, it gradually happens. Each day, you get stronger and wiser and one day, you'll realize that.
Now, what your ex girlfriend did was NOT your fault. There's no way for me to make you believe that -- but just know that it wasn't. She was clearly not in a good place in life at that time and she took it out on you. Should she have done that? No. She could've gotten the help that she needed sooner rather than hurting you the way she did. I also want to point out that you're not alone. You're far from it. Although most people don't speak up about their abuse, there are still people who go through what you have. It's unfortunate, but true.
I can see how it's frustrating to talk to one person, for one hour, once a week. It's sort of like a routine that has no change to it. I felt that way once too. However, the therapy seems to be helping you -- at least it should be -- and you should continue on with that. I know that you're anxious about talking to people but maybe opening up just a little would be helpful. I always like to suggest writing out letters if you can't physically say the words at first. Then, leave it up to the recipient to ask questions and that usually brings about a conversation. After that, people are more likely to be comfortable talking about feelings and such.
Someday, you're going to be in a relationship again. You're 18 (if your profile is correct) and you're going to want someone to be with, eventually. Whomever that may be, you should be honest with them about everything; your feelings, your past, and how you're overcoming it all. If they know all of that, they'll realize how courageous you are and they'll want to treat you with the utmost respect, which should happen anyways. Not all relationships end with trauma. In fact, a lot of relationships are loving, caring, giving, and simply amazing. That is what you deserve. That is what you'll get as long as you're open to it.
You do not sound melodramatic or stupid or anything negative. You sound like you went through a heck of a lot with the abuse and recovery. It takes time. You fall down, you get back up again... You CAN get through this. It is possible to feel at peace with life again after abuse.
I am going to end this reply with saying that I'm always around if you want to talk. I've been through a similar situation so I do understand and I will be able to talk through it more with you. I may not know all of the answers but I can give you the support that you need.
Re: I need advice about a previous abusive relationship... -
April 29th 2012, 12:29 AM
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I really, really appreciate it. (: Part of me knows it wasn't my fault... but it's like, to admit that it wasn't my fault is to accept that I had no control over it, and then I don't quite know where to go from there, you know? Your support means so much to me, thank you.