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savealife723 Offline
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I'll Never Tell.. - May 8th 2012, 03:23 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Long story made super short, my best friend and I started dating last year. This last summer, he drugged me and had sex with me while I was drugged because I didn't want to have sex with him yet. He told me about it the next day and genuinely apolgized for everything. I could tell that he knew it was wrong. Anyway, we broke up, but he is still one of my best friends.

I care about him a lot and right now he's going through a hard time so I had a break down a few days ago at youth group and told my youth pastor everything that happened between him and i. I had previously only told two of my friends and no one else because I don't blame him for it. He knew what he did was wrong, and even when they said he raped me, I defend him because I know that he would never do anything like that. However, my youth pastor now wants me to tell my mom and someone else under the law or whatever so they can keep him accountable for what he's done. I refuse to tell anyone though. I will always defend him, and it wasn't for my break down, I wouldn't even be in this position right now. My youth pastor won't leave me alone about telling someone, and I know it's because he cares about me... But still.

I just can't tell anyone. I care about him too much, and would never want to hurt him. How do I get myself out of this situation?

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Re: I'll Never Tell.. - May 8th 2012, 05:00 AM

Well first of all, you could accept that even though he is remorseful, what he did to you was actually rape - it's called date rape, it's quite common, and it's under-reported because many victims are in situations like your own where they genuinely care about the offender.
Think of yourself - he took advantage of you. You weren't ready to have sex and told him so, so he drugged you to get what he wanted. Is that really what a guy who loves you and cares about you would do? Even if he came clean afterwards?
The reason people want you to get him held accountable for this is because sexual offenders (which he technically is because of what he did to you) have a high rate of re-offending. And next time, it could be anyone. Whereas if he's held accountable and gets the help he needs to understand his motivation and how to prevent himself from doing similar things in the future, then everybody wins.

I actually think it's good that you had a breakdown and told somebody about this, whether you think he's the type of person to rape or not, that's exactly what he did, and now people know. This means that if things get too much for you, you have a support network in place of people who understand what's been going on for you and can therefore be more helpful to you than they would be able to be otherwise.

You need to accept that whilst telling people may hurt him initially, it will be beneficial in the long run, especially as he's having a hard time right now and more than likely needs professional intervention with some of the stuff that's going on.

The quickest way out of the situation is to front up to the reality of what happened to you, and accept that both you and this guy need help. There's nothing wrong with continuing to be friends and caring about each other, and in the same way there's no law that says you have to tell the police or press charges. But you do need to accept the facts of what happened (i.e., that you were raped), and get the both of you into some sort of counselling to help you both deal with what's happening now - even if it's not related to what happened then.

There's no way out of your situation, but there is a way through it, and a key part of that is being honest with yourself. Good luck.
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Re: I'll Never Tell.. - May 11th 2012, 02:15 PM

Well, being in contreversy with Jess, above. I understand that he hurt you.... and i think it's very caring how sorry he is. HOWEVER, you do need to be certain how sorry he is. I know you care for him dearly... but don't let that cloud your judgment, he may have just gotten what he wanted. NOW, contradicting myself partially, I believe.... if you truely see him as sorry, and he has PROVEN that he'll never do it to anyone EVER again, then you don't have to tell. Don't let him influence your judgement.... but see clearly. How do you really feel? He did drug and rape you... that is VERY serious, I hope you know. Is he really sorry? How could he do such a thing? *sighs* you'll have to find this in yourself, and look deeply to him, despite any acts he pulls. Now, enough negativety. You don't have to tell anyone, if you don't want to, and justice rests in your hands alone. Do what is RIGHT, and do what is JUST. But you are to decide what that is. That's all i can say. I truely hope you find the answers, and you find them within yourself, not with any guidance that leads you to falsehood. May all be well Kayla!

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