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Devastated - April 6th 2009, 01:33 PM

This is by far the most traumatizing thing I have ever had to endure. I’m not sure how it happened, or even what sparked this type of behavior. It was a regular old night for me and my boyfriend of almost 7 months. Except for during the day… we were a little strange acting with each other. He ignored me and played his computer game, and I cleaned house. When night came and it was time for bed, something snapped inside him. He began to argue with me about doing things I don’t like to please him, so it would prove to him how much I loved him. Something so disgusting that it seems incredibly cruel and twisted to even say. He wants me to swallow his ejaculate. And he got so angry when I told him what I thought of the idea. I told him it was fucked up and twisted. He said I just didn’t get it. He started yelling at me, and kicked me out of bed… literally. My lower back probably has a bruise now. I left the room.

Soon after, he comes out of the bed room and by that time I’m putting my boots on, fixing on walking to my parents house. He yanks me up off the ground and shoves me to the bedroom. I can’t believe someone that I trusted with everything would even think of touching me this way. He threw me onto the bed and got on top of me. I’m yelling at him to stop and that he’s hurting me. This just angers him even more. He wants me to be quiet so he puts his hand over my mouth and nose. I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with him. He kept getting this really scary look in his eye, and made this low gurgly growling sound in the back of his throat. He kept telling me to shut the fuck up and be quiet, to stop pushing him off, and to go limp. He would hold me there with his hand over my mouth and the other plugging my nose until I went limp. He said that the more I forced him off, the worse it would get. He tried choking me, yanked my hair, bit me, and shoved his knee into my stomach. I have never been touched in such a way. A few times he even held a pillow on my face, suffocating me.

As hard as I tried, I absolutely could not get away. When ever I tried resisting, it made him put more pressure on me, hurt me more. It was really scary. He told me it was because of his PTSD. I am so shocked right now and shaken up that I had to stay home from school. The back of my neck is bruised and hurts. He twisted my head sideways, pushing it into the mattress trying to keep me quiet because our neighbors live close. And since he is a cop, he didn’t want to be caught. He told me that all he had to do was tell the police that “his girlfriend was suicidal, and he was only using the law enforcement training to calm me down”. I would never want to kill myself. At one point in time he even had his fist raised high in the air as he held me down, ready to punch me. I covered my face expecting a blow. It never came.

This morning, he acted like everything was ok, and to keep it between the two of us. He told me not to tell anyone because we would never be the same. But I’m really scared… I want to tell my mom. I cannot though. I would be lost without him. I’m sorry this is so long. But I had to say something to someone about this. Please if anyone has any input, help me. I don't know where I stand anymore, and I don't know what to do...


   
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Re: Devastated - April 6th 2009, 03:16 PM

You really should tell someone about this, what he did to you in no way can be justified, whether or not it was caused by PTSD, which I don't see how it could have been. What he did was wrong on so many levels, and you know that, you should get out of the house before he decides to do it again. By not telling anyone you're only enabling him to act violent towards you.
Being kicked in the back, chocked, having a pillow held over your face, and being kneed in the stomach in no way look like the kind of bruises or marks you would have if someone was trying to prevent you from harming yourself, so if you were to tell someone and he used that story you could easily prove him wrong.
You really should tell someone though, he's done it once, what will stop him from doing it again? Go to your parents house and file a police report.


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Re: Devastated - April 6th 2009, 08:26 PM

Kaleigh,

No matter what he says or threatens to tell others, you can't keep quiet about this, not at all. That's definitely not the right thing to do here. He has absolutely no right to touch you in this way or to hurt you, especially not physically. What if he'd gone too far, what if you'd been severely injured or even killed by what he did? What if he does it again? Even if he says he loves you, Kaleigh, and even if he says it'll never happen again, you have to get away from him. Something like this could easily happen again if he gets angry or upset and you're the only one around for him to take his anger out, and then your life is back in jeopardy.

I'm guessing you and your boyfriend live together? If that's the case, try to stay out of the house for at least a day or two. Keep away from him, that's the most important thing to do right now. Tell your mum immediately...give her a call maybe, and tell her you need to talk with her about something extremely important. Let the physical marks do the talking, that should be enough to show her that something happened. Together, you and your mum can go to the police station and make a report about what your boyfriend did to you.

Tell the police exactly what he said to you, that he would say you're suicidal and he was trying to restrain you, to keep you from telling. If the police know in advance, they'll be less likely to believe your boyfriend when he tells them this.

Another option, if you don't want to go to the police directly, would be to go to the hospital...it's a good idea to see a doctor in any case, to make sure he didn't do any life-threatening damage and for treatment. At the hospital you could tell them your boyfriend did this to you and they'd be required to file a report by law.

You're so incredibly brave for reaching out and posting here, Kaleigh, it takes a lot of strength to be able to reach out for help with something like this. I know you said you'd be lost without him but you have to stop for a moment and really think about this, is staying with him after what he's done truly the best option? Are you safe being with him or couldn't something like this easily happen again, perhaps even multiple times in the future?

Let me know anytime you want to talk about anything, all right? You're not alone with any of this, we're all here for you. Take good care of yourself and keep safe.



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Re: Devastated - April 6th 2009, 08:28 PM

TELL YOUR MOM. Tell someone that can help. If you lose him you will be okay, he needs help. Everyone is human and everyone does make mistakes. What he did was abuse and he needs help if PSTD is causing that, which I don't quite understand how it would. You don't deserve to be treated like that. He is twisted for telling you those things and putting that type of pressure on you. If you came foward and told the police, he couldn't cover it up that easily just because he is a cop. Maybe you could confront him and tell him that what he did was wrong and he needs serious help, if you are too scared to do so then you need to tell someone that can help you stay away from this abuse. You say you can't live witout him, but if this continues and escalates, it wouldn't be much of a life. If he made it 7 months without this type of outrage, he's probably not a bad person, but by no means for doing it once it is an indicator that he does need help.
Find your mom and tell her. Whatever is making him do this, whatever his excuse, it doesn't make it less wrong for you to have to endure.
Consider tellng your mom and talking to him.
Everything will work outt.
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Re: Devastated - April 6th 2009, 10:58 PM

Hey Kaleigh,

I am so glad you had the courage to come and talk to us about what happened.
What your boyfriend did was unacceptable. He has no right to get mad at you for not wanting to do something sexually. It is your choice to say no to anything you aren't comfortable with. You have the right to say no and don't let anyone make you believe differently. Having a mental disorder does not excuse you from physically hurting someone. Especially someone you are supposed to love and care about. The only way his actions would be excused is if he was criminally insane. Your boyfriend is not criminally insane. He knows what he did was wrong and thats why he threatened you about it. He needs to face the consequences of his actions so he knows this isn't okay behavior. Whats more is he needs to realize that he needs to get help for his PTSD. I know you might love him but who do you love more him or yourself and your safety more? You need to take care of yourself right now and worry about you. You didn't force him to act this way. He chose that for himself. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is get away from him so he can't hurt you again. You need to think about your own safety right now and not his feelings. I would go stay with your mom while you figure everything out. I know you can talk to her about this. You just have to use the strength that is already in you. I am sure she wants to help you but she can't if she doesn't know what is going on. Like Sarah said it would be a good idea to seek medical treatment to make sure your going to be okay. It is an ever better idea to tell either your doctors or the police about what happened to you. All you have to do is tell the truth. Try not to leave anything out and be as detailed as possible. They can help you and he won't ever be able to hurt you again. You have nothing to be afraid of. You can do this. We are all here to support you. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. Don't hesitate to PM me. I am never to busy to listen and I'll try to help you out in any way I can. Hang in there hun and take care.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Re: Devastated - April 7th 2009, 01:54 AM

PLEASE tell somebody, get to a safe place. This is very dangerious, and you dont want to be there when he snaps again. we're all here to support you through it, but please tell someone and get out of there before it gets worse.
   
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Re: Devastated - April 7th 2009, 10:57 PM

Yes, please tell someone. You know that it is not right or acceptable. You know that it hurt and it should not. You do not know exactly what set him off, atleast not really. He had no reason to go crazy like that. His threats are chilling; please, please tell someone. I promise, you will be ok without him!


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Re: Devastated - April 9th 2009, 10:14 PM

Thank you so much everyone. I truly appreciate you guys talking me through this, and it's nice to know at least someone cares. I have told my mom, and she is very upset about it. She didn't get good vibes from him at all anyway, and I guess she just waited for something this serious to occur before she let me know how she really felt about him. I am still living with him, and I'm still a little scared it will happen again. Our relationship is pretty much on the rocks now. He says he needs space for a little while, I'm not sure why he is doing this. He says he is losing interest. And that having space is the best thing to fix our relationship. That hurts, and I don't feel loved much now.

I am just terrified of being alone. I'm afraid I am going to spiral down into another bout of bad depression. It is just so stressful. In some way I even believe I am at fault. If I wasn't constantly questioning him and accusing him, maybe we wouldn't be in this perdicament. He doesn't understand that I'm a curious person, and I like to know details. What am I supposed to do when he is always on his phone? Doing God knows what? I know what I have to do, it's just going to be so hard to leave.


   
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Re: Devastated - April 10th 2009, 02:51 AM

PTSD is a terrible thing but it shouldn't never be an excuse to do that to someone. Either tell him to get help for it when he's okay (from the story, sounds like mornings would work.) or you'll tell you're mom.


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Re: Devastated - April 11th 2009, 09:13 PM

Kaleigh, you are going to be alright--yes, being alone can be frightening at times for some. But, being alone will cause you to learn how to survive & comfort & take care of YOU!! I'm very glad that you told your mom a/b what Brandon did to you. He's a ticking time bomb waiting to go off again! Some cops are like this b/c of the bad work their in--alot of cops have problems w/abuse & alcoholism. He definiatly NEEDS HELP!!!! Kaleigh, if he abused you once, it WILL happen again!! Once abuse starts, it does NOT STOP until abuser is arrested & jailed. I hope you have gone to the hospital & were examaned so the abuse is on RECORD w/a Dr--this holds ALOT of power as far as evidence against Brandon's abuse of you. I would think twice a/b going to the police themselves b/c cops COVER for other cops--they protect their own!! I would take your mom & go talk to the DISTRICT ATTORNEY a/b the abuse & tell them the story first, maybe then tell the police, or what the DA suggests you do a/b this case. What I would do if I were you Kaleigh, I would move OUT & NOT be living w/him b/c you seeing him all the time is just going to make your trauma worse. I would also suggest that you talk to a counselor, or someone in a battered womans shelter a/b this too. You were a very brave soul to tell your story & I'm sure that it took alot of courage on your part too. This shows me that you have the strength to get thru this & to be on your own as you piece your life back together again. Good luck, & if you ever want to talk a/b this, just PM me. I'd be more than happy to talk to you a/b it.

Jonathan


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Re: Devastated - April 12th 2009, 04:48 AM

Hi, Kaleigh. Please don't think it was your fault. Nothing you could do could warrant what he did. You never have to prove love, especially not in such a pointless, selfish (on his part) way. I think you can handle being away from him. Having the courage to tell someone makes me believe that you're strong enough for it. I hope you feel better.
   
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