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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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My Story - April 7th 2009, 05:59 AM

This is probably very triggering to some, but I havent really told anyone this and I just dont know what to do now.
I dont know if I should tell my story, but I just really needed to say it and get it out.

A couple of weeks ago I was at the gas station. This guy asked me for help with something. So of course I said ok and went to help him. He then grabbed me and took me to some back room. I tried to scream but I couldnt. My brain wasnt working with my body. In my head I was screaming but nothing was coming out of my mouth.

He had me and the back room and grabbed my hands and threw me up against the wall. He held my hands there and stuck his tongue and my mouth and proceeded to kiss me hard. I just stayed there and didnt do anything back. He told me if I didnt like it then he would really hurt me. Since it already hurt I didnt want to know what he could do to me if he really wanted to. So I started to kiss him back. It was horrible.

He then grabbed me and pulled me down to the floor. He got on top of me and kissed me some more. He started to pull my shirt off and kiss down my body. He then took off his pants and pulled out his penis and told me to grab it. I told him I didnt want to and he slapped me hard across the face. So I grabbed it. I know I shouldnt have but it hurt. He said "you like that dont you" I didnt answer so he slapped me again and then asked me the question again. I had no choice but to say "yes".

He then took off his pants and took my pants off. And I didnt move at all. I couldnt, I didnt want him to hurt me anymore. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Before this I was a virgin, so I didnt know what sex was like, but this hurt so bad. He was so rough. I screamed from instinct. He grabbed my head and said "bitch I told you not to scream". He then banged my head on the floor. I started to cry. He ignored it and finished up. When he was done, he just left. It hurt so bad, so so bad. My whole body hurt.

So I was left in a gas station, crying and bleeding. I didnt know what to do. I got in my car and left. Nobody noticed me and Ive told a couple of close friends and thats it.

Ever since that day Ive been having horrible nightmares. The same thing is happening except its in my house. Ive also been having some kinda of like flashback or something during the day. I remember them for the most part, but I think I have more that I dont remember. Ive hardly eaten since and I have so many intense feelings that I cant even describe them all. I feel so guilty about what happened. I know it was my fault. I went back and helped him, I kissed him back, I told him I like it, I grabbed his penis, and I didnt scream until the end. One of the worse parts is that I didnt say no so it could have been consentiual. I just feel so confused and I dont know what to do now.

Im sorry this is so long and that you had to read all of that. :/
   
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 06:22 AM

caitlin, what happened to you was awful, ans SO NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! you need to tell the cops so this guy can be put away!!!!
   
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 09:53 AM

Heya Caitlin,

Well done for being so brave and posting that, it must have been incredibly hard for you. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that, NO ONE should go through what you did, what that person did to you was completely wrong. It's good that you've told your close friends what happened, they can support you and help you get through this, it's not easy to do on your own. Have you thought about reporting it? Because that would be a good thing to do if you're up to it. It doesnt feel nice walking around knowing that they're out there.
Maybe try and get a therapist, because they can really help you to cope with this. They know how to help you and can even support with your flashbacks. You shouldn't keep this inside, of course it's incredibly painful but there are people out there that are trained to help you.

If you want to talk, my PM box is always open.
Take care.

x
   
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 11:40 AM

Caitlin,

First of all, wow, you're amazingly courageous for reliving your story and posting it here. Not only that, but you're strong and you should be extremely proud of yourself for doing this. Also, nothing that has happened was your fault whatsoever. You were and still are the victim in this. Often, it's easier to blame ourselves than admit that the terrible has happened. And, I'm sorry to say, but the terrible did happen. But, thank God, you lived through it to tell the story. I know, right now it's tough. You're still getting used to managing the feelings, but it gets easier with time. Time, is a very important healer. However, time doesn't heal things without the help from you. You need to be willing to get help for the things that you need help with. No one expects you to handle this well. In fact, I don't know if there is a "good" way to take anything like this. But, you need to understand the blame is not on your shoulders.

Anything involving sexual abuse is wrong and traumatizing for the victim. Your body can sometimes naturally block it out, to save from harming anything mentally. Just because you didn't fight back and punch and kick, doesn't mean it was warranted or wanted. You told him no, and anyone in their right minds would have known it wasn't wanted. Please, don't blame yourself. As for the memories, it's so recent that I doubt they'll become any fuzzier for a bit. They'll might stick around for a while. It's been a few years for me, and I currently have flashbacks most nights. But, that's me. You can be completely different, I'm just trying to prepare you. The first thing with flashbacks or anything like that is to be able to differentiate them from reality. This takes practice beacause they are so scary. If it helps, try not to be alone for a while. Try and remember to breathe and make sure it's a constant effort. Flashbacks can be horrible, but it's all part of the healing process, which is more than possible.

What do you do now? You don't stay quiet. You report it and hope for the best. This is serious and you are important. Your wants and needs are important and you have the right to feel safe. That man took your rights away, and he was wrong. Sex isn't meant to hurt. It's supposed to be beautiful and it's meant to be enjoyed with someone you love. I know this is scary and I know this is a huge change, but don't stay quiet. Get help, talk to people and possibly think about counseling. Leaving something like this for a long time can cause serious troubles in the future. Dealing with it now, as soon as possible, will be your best bet. Don't shrug it off and pretend to be ok, that can be the worst thing you can do. I know telling someone might be hard, talking about this might be hard, but it's worth it. It can help you and it can make the process to healing much quicker and easier.

We're all here for you and I understand what you're going through. Please, for yourself, don't stay quiet. I wish you all the best and if you need anything, I'm not far away. Take care of yourself.

~Stay strong and have faith.


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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 05:24 PM

Hi Caitlin,
I want to echo what everyone has said because it's worth hearing from as many people as possible. I am so incredibly sorry that you went through that awful experience. Nobody should ever have to deal with anything that terrible. You were so brave for writing your story, and I hope it helped a little to get it out and to see the responses. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is so easy for us to get sucked into believing it was our fault, but Caitlin, you did nothing wrong. Anything you did was to protect yourself. It is easier to blame ourselves than accept that it was all out of our control, but try to have compassion for yourself--YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. This was not your fault.

Caitlin, it's really important that you seek out help. Unfortunately, memories of traumatic experiences don't just go away and therapy/counseling is REALLY helpful. Did you tell anyone about this? A good place to start would be telling a parent, teacher, school nurse, or other trusted adult. Having people in real time who know is going to be crucial. Additionally, consider reporting this guy. Reporting him is not only extremely validating for you, but will also ensure that he will never do this to another girl.

Reach out to a parent or teacher or other adult ASAP--you deserve to get the help and support that you need.

PM me ANYTIME--I am here for you, and again, I am so sorry and this was NOT your fault.

Jen




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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 08:53 PM

Thank yall for taking the time to read all of that and thank yall for yalls advice.
I know I should report it, but I cant go through that. And Im trying to get through this without telling an adult. I wish I could tell my parents but they would probably tell me I deserved it and its too embarrassing and pathetic to tell an adult. :/
   
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 10:53 PM

Caitlin,

Never say you can't. Because it isn't true. You absolutely can. Or, you can get one of your friends to say it, while you're there. You can change things and make them a bit more comfortable for you, but you shouldn't let him get away with this. Report him and save other girls he might have done this to or could do this to. All it takes is one person to start a chain reaction. Like in class. Everyone is thinking of asking a question, but they're so worried about being judged that they keep their hands down. Why is this bad? Because that question could be the difference between passing and failing. Then, one person asks the question and everyone begins to admitting having the same question. It's the same thing. One person has enough courage to stand up and tell their story, others follow. Be the leader, because you can do this. I don't doubt you at all. However, if you're certainly not ready, don't push yourself. Just be positive. :] Baby steps. None of this is pathetic. He was the pathetic one. You are courageous and strong for coming forth and admitting this to someone. And even more so, you're strong for saying it to anyone and living through it. Don't think of yourself as weak at all.


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Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
   
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Re: My Story - April 7th 2009, 11:49 PM

Caitlin, it's not pathetic. Not at ALL. I know it's so scary but think of it this way--not one person reading this post thinks that it's your fault. And a lot of people have read it! Also--would you tell someone in your situation that it was their fault? My hunch is you would never tell them it was their fault! So a trusted adult would never say that to you. About reporting--don't worry about that right now. First just think about getting in touch with an adult who can be supportive. One thing at a time, okay? Think of anyone you feel close to, or even just think are a nice and caring person--any teacher, guidance counselor, friend's parent, etc. There's a whole host of people out there to support you, Caitlin. The hardest part is telling someone and trust me, I know how scared you are...but also trust me when I say that once you tell someone and start getting some real life support, it makes things so much easier. It takes a huge burden off of your shoulders. It's scary, but so so so worth it. Something you can also do is write an email or letter to the adult (teacher, guidance counselor, friend's parent, etc.) if that seems easier than telling them directly face-to-face. You can do this, I believe in you! PM me anytime.

Jen




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Re: My Story - April 8th 2009, 03:23 AM

I dont know if this is normal or not, but I dont really trust anyone anymore. So its going to be kind of hard to find an adult it trust. :/

Ive been thinking about calling a help line, but I dont know what to say.
   
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Re: My Story - April 8th 2009, 06:46 PM

Caitlin, help lines are a great idea. One that I REALLY like is RAINN. They have a phone hotline but they also do an online hotline. Basically it's like instant-messaging with someone and you can just tell them what happened and they can provide whatever you need, whether it's a listening ear, advice, support, etc. I like this hotline because it's online, so you don't have to actually TALK to the person, it's just typing which I think can be easier. Here is the website: http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ Check it out and let us know how it goes....and I am sorry you don't trust anyone in real life BUT you can trust me here in cyberspace. I get it. And I'm here for you. Don't ever hesitate to message me.




"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: My Story - April 9th 2009, 03:18 AM

thank you jen. i think i actually will try it.
   
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Re: My Story - April 9th 2009, 07:04 AM

Hi Caitlin~

First would you mind if I gave you a little supportive hug? I'm so sorry you went through this and I think RAINN would be a GREAT place for you to start. They have an option that is an online volunteer, which is sometimes a little less scary because it's just typing, and they also can help you find a rape center near you if you decide to do that.

Caitlin, I hope you don't mind but I'd like to give you a few ideas that might help over the next few days or weeks okay? One of the things that people often really feel is like there was violation and you don't have control of yourself anymore... so this is why I'm asking you everything before I do or say anything because you are the boss here. Maybe it's too soon for a hug and that's cool...just let me know when if you're ready. And maybe you don't WANT to talk about it yet. That's cool too. Whenever you decide, it's all up to you.

Another thing that's pretty common, like you said, is little flashbacks or fears like all-of-a-sudden for no apparent reason. That's a trigger and usually you see or hear or smell something that for some reason reminds your brain of that day...and then your brain remembers just as if it were happening now. You feel just as scared, and sick, and hurt as you did that day. So if this happens, just know that it is completely normal and it's part of how people react, okay? One thing you can do that might help with these triggers is to think of things, when you do feel pretty okay and safe, that help soothe you and help you feel better. If you get a trigger at school, what's something you can do to settle yourself and feel better? Be excused to go splash you face with some water? Take some slow, deep breaths? What things help you? See what I mean? Some things that helped me were silly but worked for me! I carried a teddy bear (a little one) in my big purse and I'd sort of hug him or stick my hand in my purse and feel him here, now... I also would make tea at night or listen to music (sometimes mellow music and sometimes angry music and both helped :P). So maybe when you feel sort of okayish you can think of somethings that work for you.

I never reported my person or went to the emergency room or spoke to an adult and if there was one thing I'd encourage, I would encourage you to see a doctor. You do not necessarily need to tell him WHY, but it would be a wise idea to have a few tests for STD's just to be completely sure. I'm sorry to have to give you that thought, but better to have a doctor visit and be sure than to worry about it. Now, if you wish you can tell your doc and it is confidential, they can't tell anyone, but you don't have to. You can just say that you're 17 now and thinking of becoming sexually active and they're doctors...they'll go with it, ya know?

Finally I'll be honest about reporting the person. Often we think of police and lawyers and judges as folks who "do the right thing" and if someone did something wrong to us, those guys will punish the wrong-doer. I'm not saying this is not the case, but court people are kind of restricted in what they can do by the law...it HAS TO be by the law. Thus they would have to have evidence against the person who did this to you such as security camera video, his semen, pictures of the bleeding and bruises, etc. And I'm not trying to be mean. I'm sure they would try their hardest and do their best, but sometimes the types of things that prove the crime is already washed away or healed or deleted... and they are stuck. So if you do want to be brave and report it, you can have someone from your local rape place go with you. I'm sure they would take the written report and description, but they might not be able to send the guy down the river. Okay? I just want to be right up front and honest with you about what might happen.

So I'm here and I care if you want to PM.

~Wulfie


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  (#13 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My Story - April 9th 2009, 05:39 PM

thank you for being honest with me, Wulfie.
I actually really like the teddy bear idea and i think i might do that cause ive started having panic attacks at school and stuff and my friends never know what to do. so i think if i have a little something to comfort me, then it will help tremendously.
thanks again.
   
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Re: My Story - April 9th 2009, 06:13 PM

you need to report him right away!
thousands of women and girls are or have been in your situation, and it needs to stop.
what happened to you is too horrible for words and it was completely evil.
please report him to the police, or this is gonna haunt you forever.

God Bless!
   
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Re: My Story - April 9th 2009, 08:29 PM

Hey,

It really is going to sound like im parroting everything that everyones said, but I'm going to say it anyway.

1) It's not your fault in any way, it was non-consentual and he knows it, and you know it. You didn't ask him to have sex with you, to treat you that way, you didn't say it was okay for him to do so. You didn't react to him until you feared for your life, thats not consent. Guilt is not something you should have, you went back to help him because you're a nice person, he took advantage of that. He then terrified you, that doesn't put any fault on you. Not in the slightest.

2) Embarassing? Pathetic? What happened to you was neither of those. It was wrong, it was horrific and it should never have happened. No matter what you've done you did not deserve that. Your parents won't be embarrassed by you, they should be proud of you. You've taken the first step you've admitted to everyone here what happened, you've spoken out. It takes incredible strength, and courage to do that. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you. They love you, if anything they'll be upset that they couldn't have stopped it.

3) The flashbacks that you keep having, they're a sign of post traumatic stress. You've been through a horrible ordeal and your body and mind is trying to find away to block it out, and this causes the flashbacks when your mind just can't hold it back. The way to get rid of these is to keep talking, keep being honest, keep trying to work through what happened. You have to forgive yourself. Not because theres anything you really need forgiving for, but you seem to blame yourself an incredible amount for something that wasn't your fault at all.

4) Please step forward to the police about this. The gas station might even have CCTV so it could have caught the guy. You can't let him get away with this, you might not be the first, and you might not be the last. You can't believe that you let him do this, you didn't. You need to find the strength, whether that comes from your friends, from yourself, from talking to people like me on here, or from a combination of all of them. Find the strength, and report him.

5) Please feel free to talk to me via pm, or on this thread. And it does sound like a good idea to call the helpline as well, perhaps you can work your way up to telling someone like your parents.
Take care, you really are an incredible person who did not deserve what happened.


Time heals the wounds unhealable!

Feel free to talk to me if you ever need someone, I know how it can feel to be lost, to be found, to be disappointed and hurt. I also know that it can always get better!
   
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Re: My Story - April 10th 2009, 02:41 AM

You really need to tell the cops especially if you remember his face..


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Re: My Story - April 10th 2009, 11:44 PM

i dont really remember his face. just that he was big, scary, and bald.
people keep telling my not to feel guilty. and i know like in my head that its not my fault but in my heart i still think it is. does that make sense?

it is still embarrassing that someone took that much advantage of me and it makes me feel weak and dumb and pathetic. idk. i cant shake those.

even though it was a couple of weeks ago, i still feel dirty and disgusting. i can still smell him and feel him touching me. and i will randomly have like chill spasms. idk. its weird...
   
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Re: My Story - April 11th 2009, 05:12 AM

I completely understabd.. Its hard to not feeling gulity cuz you feel like it's you're fault for being to weak.. But you're not weak! He over powered you and a rapist is a completely coward!!! You're gonna feel that way for awhile but you'll get over it, you're body isn't used to it.. Thats all..

Best wishes. God Bless!


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Re: My Story - April 11th 2009, 06:00 AM

Hey Caitlin,

Well done on writing everything down. I know while you're writing everything it's painful but you managed to do it, and I know it would have been really difficult to write but it's good you're getting everything out.
What happened is not your fault, all you was doing was being helpful and you didn't expect that to happen. This man was hurting you, you were frightened and you didn't do anything to make this happen.
It's good that you've managed to tell your friends, so you have some form of support. It will be hard to trust people to begin with, but slowly you will start to trust people again, it does take time. But it will get easier.
Caitlin I know it's hard speaking up and you've came so far already, would you be able to tell your parents, possiblily writing it all down or printing out this post and giving it to them?
At least if you tell your mum and dad they can get you some professional support and with them knowing you'll have more support and more people to help you through this, because Caitlin you are going to be fine and well done on being to brave. I know you're finding it hard right now but things do get easier and it probably doesn't feel like it now but you do have to be patient and give things time.
I'm sure your parent's aren't going to think you deserved this, I think they would just want to know so they could help you out in any way possible.

I can understand you don't want to go to the police but if you go to them you could stop this happening to someone else and stop someone else being hurt in the same way you was. It could put your mind at ease a little if you knew this guy was put in prison.

You just have to take things in baby steps but right now Caitlin you are the important person, the one who matters the most.
First concerntrate on getting some more support and coming to terms with things a little, then think about the possibility of going to the police and helping them to catch him so that he can't do this to someone else.

Once again, well done on being so brave.
I'm always here if you need to talk.
Pm me anytime.
   
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Re: My Story - April 12th 2009, 06:55 PM

Hey,

I am so proud of you for being able to share your story with us. Talking about what happened can be a good way to release some of your emotion about the event which is important to do. If you try and hide from your feeling and bottle things up then eventually the pressure with build and become to much. I am going to contradict everyone when I say this but here is goes... it is OKAY not to report what happened. You need to do what is best for you. While I strongly urge you to report it both to get this monster off the streets and because it can give you some kind of closure it perfectly fine if you choose not to go tot he police. To find out more information about reporting a rape you can go HERE. You mentioned that you thought someone might consider it consensual because you didn't verbalize a 'no'.
This is a quote from RAINN's website:
Quote:
Did someone use physical force to make you have sexual contact with him/her? Has someone threatened you to make you have intercourse with them? If so, it is rape.
When someone uses physical force to make someone have sex with them it is not consensual. What he did to you was considered rape. Why are you to afraid to go to the police with this? It was in no way your fault and you deserve justice. You also mentioned that you want to try to get through this without the help of any adults. You went through something traumatizing and scarring. It is okay to ask for help. You deserve help. You aren't worthless so start treating yourself better. It is okay to be embarrassed about what happened to you but you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. No one asks for this to happen to themselves. You need help to get through this. I am telling you right now that trying to get through this alone is just going to make your healing process a million times harder. It isn't a good idea and you should really seriously consider seeing a counselor. In the mean time HERE are some tips to help you get through some of your flashbacks. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here for you. You aren't alone. Take care and hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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caitiemac Offline
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Re: My Story - April 13th 2009, 12:24 AM

thank yall for all the encouragement. it really means a lot and it actually helps i think.

i know i should report it and i know it could happen to someone else, but i cant even think of that right now.

and a good thing is that i trust my friends again. i know its prob weird that when this happened i stopped trusting them, but now i trust them again.

im still having horrible nightmares though. i dont know how to get rid of them. its horrible.
   
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