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Molestation Memories Bothering Me - April 8th 2009, 03:05 AM

It's really rare when I think about it, it's even more rare that it effects me profoundly, but lately it's been bugging me- not to an aweful degree, just to a tedious pinch.

I was 'raped' when I was 6 years old. It was more of a 'trick' the teenage neighbor next door said, 'we can play with my dog, but we have to play a different game first.' I'm sure you can guess what the game was. I only consider it rape, because he knew what he was doing to me and I didn't know what it was.

Either way. Because it happened to me when I was so young and the fact that I didn't even know the meaning of it until later, it really hasn't bothered me so much since I was 10 (when I told my parents about it)

But recently, for unknown reasons, it's been bugging me a little bit. I've talked to my counselor about it- not to a detailed degree. But truly, it doesn't bother me that much.

But there are...spurts of irritation and bitterness that I deal with occasionally.

Sometimes it causes my OCD to act up. Where I feel like he's everywhere and in everything I do. If I put on my clothes, I might feel like he's there, so I have to take them off and then put them back on again.

It's really just little irritations like that.

Another thing that makes me worry- my Dad. I wonder if he ever thinks about what happened to me and gets mad about it. When my Dad found out, he wanted to go next door and kill him. So now I can't help but wonder if he feels resentment. It's not his problem to deal with. It's not his anger to feel. It's mine.

Previous to this minor irritation, I've felt compasisonate. I don't want my 'offender' to feel bad about what he did to me. I want him to live happily and know that he's forgiven. Of course, when these irritations come up, I can't help but feel a little resentment.

I'm sure if my Dad knew about this compassionate feeling, he would probably think it was odd of me. I'm sure that he hates him with every fiber of his being because I'm his little girl and he's mad that someone would do that to me. Even so, I don't want my Dad to be mad. He doesn't need to be.

I don't talk to my parents about it. I know that it would bring them a lot of grief and anger (my mother is a little bit more...compassionate about it) So when it's bothering me I just mention it to my counselor and we talk about it. But still, I want an outside oppinion. I want to know how to handle these irritations and the possible anger from my father.

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Re: Molestation Memories Bothering Me - April 10th 2009, 03:02 AM

Well, of course you want him to live happily I want my molester to have a good life but of course she already has 4 kids and she's 18, so I think she "got what goes around comes around thing." But I understand that. Mine still bother me and I was 3, and I remember it perfectly. What I was wearing, what she was wearing, what happened after. Etc, but because it was a bad thing happen, you tend to remember it because it was a tramatic even if it's not that bad to you, you're mind knew it was bad and wrong of him.

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Re: Molestation Memories Bothering Me - April 10th 2009, 07:57 PM


I know what you mean ab out the whole compasionate thing. You don't hate the person that did those things, you just hate what he did. Right? I'm sure your dad feels the same way but just hasn't realized it yet. You may be so irritated by your past lately because you're feeling now what you were too young to feel then. To avoid these things keep reminding yourself you're not a little girl anymore. Have you ever talked to him since everybody found out? Try writing him a letter, and not sending it, or send it. These irritations may not seem to make sense to you but on the outside looking in, they make perfect sense. This might just be a phase you're passing through and maybe you'll move through it quickly.
About your dad, I'm not really sure. You seem to understand why he would be mad, but does it make you mad that he is mad? He's mad, and you know this, because he loves you very much. If your dad knew about you feeling compasionate he might think it was odd at first, but if you explained it he would probably understand if not begin to feel the same. I'm sure over time his anger for this boy will continue to decrease.
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Re: Molestation Memories Bothering Me - April 11th 2009, 06:16 AM

Hey Mariah,

I would consider this rape to, if he was in the knowledge of what he did to you and you didn't have a full understanding of what was happening then I would consider that to be rape. It's good you've been speaking to your counsellor about it and I think it's a good idea that you carry on doing so, it will help you to get things out in the open without having to speak to your parents about it too much.
Mariah what you have to understand is your dad is angry or was angry because you're his daughter and you're his little girl and someone did something to hurt you and to a father that is unforgivable. He probably feels guilt because he didn't prevent it, which wasn't his fault because there was nothing anyone could have done differently. I think it would be a good idea for you to let him know how you're feeling, that way he might understand you a little bit more.

It's common to feel compassionate towards an abuser, or feel like it's not their fault and instead blame yourself. Mariah, if he was aware of what he was doing to you then it was his fault and it's not yours.
I know it's hard but try not to make excuses for him.
I know much easier said than done... but you have to get yourself out of that cycle of thinking.
It's a vicious circle the more you think it's your fault the more over time you actually believe it.
Take care and I'm always here if you ever need to talk.
Pm me anytime.
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Re: Molestation Memories Bothering Me - April 14th 2009, 02:57 AM

I never really blamed myself. I was only about 6 years old. He pretty much lured my over to his place. I asked my Dad if I could go over. He said no. I went back and told the guy that I couldn't, but he convinced me otherwise. I've never really blamed myself for it. I only occasionally have the passing thought if only I have listened but I still keep in mind that I was young and I really didn't know any better.

I did have detestment for my abuser for a long time. I'm not sure when I gained compassion for him. Maybe it was when I finally told someone outside my family what had happened.

I'm glad that I'm kinder to him- in thoughts. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was 13. It's really only when this irritating memories come by that I do feel some hatred.

It hasn't bothered me for a few days. It usually comes and goes every few months or so. I did consider a subconscious thing. between the months of April and May was when I told my mother and father about what had happened to me. It happened when I was 6, I didn't tell anyone until I was almost 11.

Thanks so much for the love guys. I really appreciate it!

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