Quietly Remembering

Stiena · **Quietly Remembering -** July 2nd 2012, 07:40 PM

It's not often that I think about him. It happened a year ago. I'm happy remembering it like a story that never happened to me because it's easier than accepting that things will never be even. I cannot make him take it back, but I want to make him regret it.

We were at school as the end of our 10th grade year wound down. Third period block class, physics, the only assignment in which was watching videos in the dark. He and I had just broken up and my mind was unable to accept the emotions of losing someone who was such a part of my life for the past year and a half. I was older than him, but he towered over me. We sat in the back of the classroom where he would later get away with violating my body and my trust... and we were not alone.. The rest of that day was lost to shock.

I never told anyone. Chains of fear, guilt, and shame hung around my neck. Fear of being blackmailed. Fear of being alone. Fear of being harmed. Guilt for "betraying" of the boy I was with. For a time, I felt so guilty, I forgot how much I had resisted my violator.. even that I had specifically told him no. I don't think the guilt ever really goes away, but I am no longer alone in my secret. Others know, although they are very few. This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm not the first, and unfortunately not the last. My significant other has been patient with me as I've had to take things at my own pace. It's frustrating to me. I want to move on with my life and sometimes I feel like I can't..

Tigerlily. · **Re: Quietly Remembering -** July 3rd 2012, 09:31 AM

Hey there Christian, I know it can be extremely hard to move on and cope with what has happened, but I think you really need to speak up about this. To the school and/or the authorities. That's the best kind of revenge you can really get on someone for doing something like this. Get them in trouble, have their actions recognized by people who can and will do something very serious about the problem. You didn't deserve what happened to you, and I know it can be very embarrassing and scary to think about telling someone, but in the end, it will help. And if you speak up, he won't be able to do this to anyone else anymore, and it will give you some feeling of him getting what he deserves, and knowing that he won't ever hurt you or another person again. I also highly suggest you seek professional help. These kinds of things can be so very traumatic to go through, and a professional can help you learn to cope with what has happened so eventually you can try to move on from it, and not let it take over your thoughts. If you ever need to talk, my PM is always open.

Stiena · **Re: Quietly Remembering -** July 4th 2012, 01:00 PM

My social worker knows about it, but I've politely asked her not to say anything. My ex is a shoplifting drug addict that already was nearly charged for assault. He gets away with whatever he wants and I don't have any evidence needed to press charges. It would just be more drama that I don't need.

Tigerlily. · **Re: Quietly Remembering -** July 4th 2012, 01:04 PM

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand what you mean, and while I still think it would be best to involve the authorities, I will drop it and let you be the judge of that. Are you talking to a therapist or counselor, someone who has gone to school to help people overcome these kinds of things?

Stiena · **Re: Quietly Remembering -** July 4th 2012, 08:39 PM

We have a social worker because our parents refused to take us to see a psychiatrist, even when it was recommended by about three different people to do so. Our social worker has contacted the authorities to have the boy monitored. Our parents do not know about the incident and nor will they ever.

Beautiful Disaster · *TG 05/04/2013*

Hey there Christian,

I am sorry I haven't been able to answer this post sooner. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, you did not deserve it at all. It is totally okay if you don't want to take it any further, that is in your hands and yours alone.

I think it would be great if you could really make use of your social worker at the moment and chat it through with her, maybe see if she can put you in touch with someone that will help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings? It is really important that you can deal with this sooner rather than later, you don't want him to have any aspect of control over your life, your thoughts or your feelings - has he earnt that right? No.

You may find it helpful to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal perhaps? That might be good as then you can record good days as well and see how far you have come over a period of time. Or you could write feelings on a piece of paper, then you could burn it afterwards and get rid of those feelings metaphorically, if that makes sense?

A way of making him regret it would be to move on from him and to move on in your life. As I mentioned, to not let him have any control over you. That would be a big step forward and also show to him that he has no power over you. Don't let him know that you even think about him anymore.

I hope this has helped, shoot me a PM anytime you need to chat, i'm always here.
Take care,
Anna.