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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hellbound Offline
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just deserts - April 17th 2009, 11:27 AM

I can't believe I finally got the courage to post this... I just feel like it doesn't matter if people think I am a monster anymore. I don't know what sort of response I am looking for. I will never forgive myself and nothing can take it away or make it better. I was um lets just say I was 'hurt'. As a result of that 'hurt' I got pregnant. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like part of him was growing inside me. It made my skin crawl to even think about it. I hated myself for letting myself get 'hurt' like that. I was astounded by my own stupidity. How could I not realize what kind of person he was? Needless to say now I have trust issues but thats besides the point. Before I knew I was pregnant I wasn't taking such good care of myself. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was however taking drugs almost every single day. In the back of my mind I suspected I might be pregnant but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I thought it was just paranoia. I just wanted the nightmare to be over. Then oh joy my period was late. Then oh joy my pregnancy test came back positive. I freaked. I literally had a panic attack. I just wanted it out of me. I wanted him out of me. I wanted my body back. I wanted this all to be over. Even after I found out I didn't change my behavior. I still didn't eat or sleep. I ended up drugging myself up more than usual. I didn't care about the baby. I lived with complete disregard to the baby growing inside me. I couldn't make myself realize that it was innocent. It didn't choose this. But I wasn't thinking... in my warped mind if the baby wasn't there anymore that meant nothing happened. I got what I 'wished' for. The baby died. I killed my own child unintentionally. I had a miscarriage. I killed an innocent creature out of my own selfishness. I hate myself. I hate to think about what I've done. I just want to take it all back. I named it Desi... it means longed for or desired. I wish I could find some way to make up for what I've done. I can't think of a single way to make amends. Why am I always so stupid? Why wasn't I stronger? Why didn't I care? I am a monster that deserves everything that has happened to me. I just want to leave this all behind. I can't live with the shame and the guilt. I just want to make it all go away.I want the impossible. I want to change the past. I don't know who I am anymore or what to do with myself. I can't put the past behind me. I've stopped living.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: just deserts - April 17th 2009, 11:57 AM


You should be very proud about posting your story. There is no doubt in my mind that it was a difficult story to both live and tell. Retelling a story vividly is basically reliving it for most people. It's hard but it can be very rewarding. I hope that the other responses you gain from posting are rewarding for you and give you a positive outlook about your current situation. There is still hope and there will always be someone here who will support you. No one here judges you or thinks down upon you.

What happened to you was/is horrible. It's one of the most terrifying things to deal with alone. Heck, it's even difficult to live with when someone else knows. My point is, what happened to you was wrong and something we can't control sometimes. It isn't your fault for trusting. It's his fault for committing the actions. No one asks to be sexually assaulted. No one asks to be raped. Often the first step we take after an experience like this is self blame. We can't handle thinking we were taken advantage of, so we blame ourselves. This is not the proper way to deal with anything you've been through. You were the victim, and still are. He was the wrong one. He was wrong for gaining your trust and abusing it in such a horrible way. He was wrong for taking something away that you weren't ready to give. Just because you didn't fight back or yell "no", doesn't mean you gave him permission. He knew what he was doing, and he knew it wasn't wanted. You know it wasn't wanted. Fear can cripple your body and any kind of reaction to something this traumatizing. My point being, it isn't your fault and you can't blame yourself.

I'm truly sorry about your miscarriage. It's always something hard to deal with, conceiving a child from something that is causing you so much pain. Having a child with someone that has taken your rights away isn't what anyone wants for themselves. I can't imagine how much it worsened your situation. Nor can I imagine how you felt or currently feel. If I could, I'd imagine it's extremely bad. You're currently 18, I'm assuming you were younger when the sexual assault occurred. Though your teenage years are considered to be your maturing years, something like this isn't what most people handle on a regular basis. To be honest, I don't know what I would have done if I were you. All of this happened so fast and continued when the baby came. Meaning things were continuing to get worse. It was probably hard to imagine things getting worse or becoming a mother. At the age you were, most people don't want to be a mother. You were still growing yourself. You're still growing and learning. These years are supposed to bring you joy, not more responsibility. Many things can cause a miscarriage. Did you consult a doctor about it? Did they ever determine what the cause was? You don't know if it was the drug use. It might be easier to blame yourself, but it's pointless when nothing has been proven. There is a chance it was you, and there is a chance it wasn't. Jumping to a conclusion that can't be answered will only make dealing with this difficult. Before you can ever move on and get better, you need to forgive yourself and understand that mistakes happen. You can't go back, but you can make what's coming better. If you have a religion, maybe asking for forgiveness can help? Maybe you can confess and ask for forgiveness? I don't know how things might work in your religion, but it might help you.

I also think you should tell someone about all of this. Whether it be a parent, friend, teacher, or police officer. I don't suggest staying silent. Believe it or not, staying silent in the long run is one of the worst things you can do. Opening up is hard, but it can make things coming easier to manage. You can get help from a professional that understands and knows what he/she is doing. They can help you manage your feelings and eventually react a place where you can live again. No one deserves to fell like this, and you deserve the chance to get help. Things aren't permanent and you can reach out for yourself and ask for help. People will answer and come. This can get easier. Also, depending on how long ago the incident occurred, you may want to report the boy that did it to the police. It could prevent him from doing it a second time or get him the proper help he needs. Reporting just isn't for justice, it's a form of help too. No one can help him if no one in the position to help knows. Please stay safe and take good care of yourself. You're worth a lot and you're a good person. If you need anything at all, I'm only a message away. I know where you're coming from. <3

~Stay strong and have faith.

01 // 10 // 11

Baby stand tall. You can have it all.

Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine..
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: just deserts - April 20th 2009, 12:28 AM

Hey there.

First of all I want you to know that you are not a monster. What happened to you, what that guy did to you, that is a very very traumatic experience and to have a baby from the one who hurt you only makes it feel more real. I was in a very similar situation as you are in the sense of the guy situation and you have to understand and believe that what he did wasn't your fault. You can't see the future so how were you to know that he was going to hurt you this way? Some people are just sick and he is one of those people. You can't blame yourself for his actions. You may feel that you could have prevented it, but in the end he did what he did and the blame is his and only his.

The decisions you made regarding the baby were not abnormal or monsterous. You handled it the way so many others have and even if had not been the right way in your mind - sometimes we can't handle these things. Miscarriage is a terribly difficult thing to go through and I am so sorry for your loss. But you've got to forgive yourself. Right now it may be difficult but over time things will get better. After I was hurt and the possiblity of pregnancy arose a lot went through my mind- if I had ended up pregnant my actions would have mirrored yours. You're body and mind couldn't handle everything that was being thrown at them. Sometimes the emotions become too much and it is obvious a lot of emotions were present. Carrying the child of one who hurt you is a constant reminder of what happened and that in itself is a tremendous burden. I don't blame you for what you did and you shouldn't blame yourself either. You don't deserve this pain, and you don't deserve unhappy. You made a mistake, we all make mistakes. It doesn't make you any less of a good person.

If you ever need or want anyone to talk to, I will be here; you don't have to go through this alone. Don't give up, there is hope for you whether you can see it now or not. You just have to let go and forgive yourself. Don't keep this locked up any longer hunn.

Take care and stay strong,
You can get through this. x

Originally joined: June 2008

" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: just deserts - April 20th 2009, 11:56 AM

I want to thank you both for responding to my thread. It really means a lot to me that you would take the time to reply and offer such comforting words. I can't thank you enough. I just want to comment on a few things you both said and add a few comments of my own.

It's always something hard to deal with, conceiving a child from something that is causing you so much pain.
Carrying the child of one who hurt you is a constant reminder of what happened and that in itself is a tremendous burden.
Of course I completely agree with you. Someone once told me that this isn't how a child should come into the world and that has really stuck with me. A baby should be the product of real consensual love. Truthfully if the pregnancy hadn't terminated itself so early on I am not sure what I would have done. In some ways it was a lose-lose situation. If I kept the baby then I would struggle everyday with that reminder of the past. Not holding any resentment against the child for his father's actions would be hard. Additionally, how/when/do you even explain that to a child? What if it wanted to meet its father... what would I say? If I had put it up for adoption it would always be in the back of my mind. I would hate myself for not being strong enough to raise my own baby. If I had gotten an abortion I would feel the same sort of guilt I do now. I do think I would feel less guilty but it certainly wouldn't be a guilt-free experience. I guess what I am trying to say is none of the possible outcomes would have been satisfactory. In this type of situation you really can't win. Looking at all the facts helps me to realize you can only do your best. People make mistakes and good people do bad things. Regardless of the circumstances I know what I continued to do after I found out I was pregnant wasn't right. I don't think my actions are excused by the circumstances surrounding the conception. However, that does make a little difference. I always looked back on it portraying myself as the junkie mother who sacrificed her child to get her fix. In reality that isn't how it was at all. I was so devastated, so hurt that I didn't even care about my own life not to mention my babies. I couldn't see clearly through all the confusion and the pain. I am finally starting to realize that thanks to your supportive and understanding words. I have by no means forgiven myself but I do believe I have made a stride in the right direction.

Did you consult a doctor about it? Did they ever determine what the cause was?
I did end up going to the doctors to confirm that the pregnancy had terminated itself. Due to the fact that I hadn't received any medical care regarding the pregnancy until then, the fact I didn't go until days after the miscarriage, and the doctors not being aware of my drug use they couldn't offer any explanation for the miscarriage. So I am left to assume it was my life style choices at the time that contributed to it.

Also, depending on how long ago the incident occurred, you may want to report the boy that did it to the police. It could prevent him from doing it a second time or get him the proper help he needs. Reporting just isn't for justice, it's a form of help too.
I wish wish wish I had gone to the police sooner. I was to ashamed and traumatized to go when I should have. By now there is absolutely no evidence and it would be a he said she said case. With such a small chance at justice I am not going to put myself through that. If he was acquitted then I would be devastated. It is a real slap in the face when a group of strangers judge what happened to you as not punishable. I would just feel like no one believed me and I am absolutely terrified about having to confront him. At this point going to the police isn't really an option. But hey hindsight is 20/20. I wish I should have done something while I still could but those kinds of thoughts won't get me very far.

u handled it the way so many others have and even if had not been the right way in your mind - sometimes we can't handle these things.

This really spoke to me. You are absolutely right I couldn't handle it. I didn't have control over what happened to me and I felt trapped all over again. I know this doesn't make it right but this whole time I didn't even think it counted for something. Now I realize it does. You can't judge a situation without looking at the whole story. I wasn't taking the whole story into consideration at all. I just hated myself so much and thought because I didn't matter what happened to me didn't matter either. I just looked at myself as the one to blame and projected all of my anger towards him onto myself. It is going to take time to come to terms with what happened. It is going to take time to stop blaming myself. I never realized it was even possible that it wasn't my fault until now. Things aren't going to get any better unless you work on your problems. I am going to finally begin working towards self forgiveness. I hope anyone else in a similar situation will do the same. You owe it to yourself to at least give it a chance.

I just have one more question. I don't really know how to honor Desi's memory. I want more than anything to make amends with my child and I don't even no where to begin. I am not religious so asking god's forgiveness would do nothing for me. I am just not sure how to start the journey of making things right.

Last edited by hellbound; April 20th 2009 at 12:02 PM.
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Re: just deserts - April 20th 2009, 09:01 PM

I know I didn't respond earlier, but I did read your story and I'm not sure if its been said but I couldn't just read this and exit it out. I had to leave a simple message to tell that you are NOT a monster.
You didn't chose for this to happen. Yes, the baby was innocent, but so were you. Remember that. You didn't start the drugs when you realized you were pregnant. Is it possible that you have an addiction? You didn't want this to happen. Clearly the situation was a period of confusion and it would have been extremely hard for you to realize that your actions would leave you to feel this way.
It is never to late to find God if you ever wanted to. And you do not have to have a set religion to pray. Just praying and asking for forgiveness might make you feel better.
The journey you're about to start, to me its like you've already started. The thing you're having trouble is, is how to keep going. There's not exact answer. You just ave to keep moving forward. Remember Desi as the child that made you this much stronger. That taught you that you can get through even the worst.
In the future when it is your decision to have sex and a child, name it after her? After all Desi has made you strong, and I'm sure she kept you strong after you were hurt by a man.
Good luck with everything.
The man that hurt you made a big mistake, and you made an accident. Remember that you did not chose this. Keep moving forward.

Love is all we need. :]
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Re: just deserts - May 1st 2009, 02:10 AM


You've been through so much for such a young person. While what happened with your baby was tragic, you are not completely to blame. You sound like you weren't in your right mind, and like you didn't really know what you were doing, and the fact that the baby was even in you is not your fault, in any way whatsoever.

It's sad and hard to deal with, I'm sure, but you will get through this. You have to learn to forgive yourself for what you've done, especially something that wasn't entirely your fault at all. You can do it. It's hard right now, but you can do it.
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