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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Speckled Gecko Offline
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Question Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 06:52 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi,
Firstly, i wanna thank Doug for talking to me last night, he was the first one i told about this, ever, as i’ve pushed it away from my mind repeatedly. He was really supportive and didn’t give me the response i expected. So here goes...
When i was around 10ish i had a group of friends (female like me) that were a few months younger than me (making them in the year below me at school). I was always the one they told what to do because i was very shy and they were bossy. At some point their choice of game, became hurtful to me. ... They would touch my chest etc. (what i had then), they wouldn’t let me go to the toilet by myself, and i had to lie still while they undressed me and touched me (everywhere) with hands and objects (including knitting needles)... etc.... :’( Sorry, i can’t elaborate more, i’m panicking just typing this.
When i resisted, one girl in particular was able to convince me to stay, either through threats of losing her friendship, getting wrong, or fake crying. Sometimes when i became stronger at wanting to leave, she would tie me to the doorhandle, then use that to her advantage. ... If her Mum ever came up the stairs while this was happening, she would cover my mouth and tell me to shut up. I’ve tried to forget about it, but i’ve been depressed for a number of years now, i am petrified to trust anyone, the thought of intimacy makes me panic and any form of restraint (even clothes that are too tight) sends me all shaky. I don’t know if what ive said has anything to do with these things, as ive tried to push it away.
I feel so ashamed that i didn’t stop this, especially as i was older. I’m sorry, it’s not as bad as everyone else’s posts, and i’m probably just being really stupid. I just wanted to know other people’s opinions on this.
I’m sorry, i’m just a horrible, weak person :’(

Last edited by Speckled Gecko; February 5th 2013 at 03:10 PM.
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 08:52 AM

You are not horrible, and you are not weak. Let's just be clear about that.

And what happened, was not your fault. You didn't choose to be overpowered by this group, nor did you choose to have any of this happen. And it's very hard for children to speak out about this kind of thing, particularly when they feel they should be able to prevent it.

The fact is, if you could have stopped it from happening at the time, you would have done so. Merely the fact that you were unable to stop it doesn't make you weak - it means you were manipulated by these other girls, whether they were aware of it or not.

You can't really forget about this kind of thing. Being restrained against your will and forced to do things that you don't want to do - particularly things of this nature - is traumatic, no matter who the others involved are.

You're not being stupid. My personal opinion is that these girls manipulated you, and that you were abused to some degree. That's my opinion. I'm not an expert in this kind of stuff.

Obviously these memories cause you a great deal of distress, and I would assume that living with this inside of you would definitely affect your interpersonal relationships and how much you can trust others. It's a very difficult thing to talk about, especially because it's not so clear cut as when somebody is raped or beaten - but that being said, I encourage you to find someone you trust who you can talk to, and work through this with. Just because it's in your past doesn't mean it should be allowed to control your future.

Also, if you need to talk more about this, my PM box is always open.

   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 12:58 PM

Thank you Jess. I don't understand why i didn't just leave though! I should have, and maybe that would have given them a clearer message?
I can't talk to anyone about it because i can't physically speak it. I have to see these girls every week or so as we all live in the same street and pretend everything is fine. Even though i'm away at Uni at the minute, now that i've started 'talking' about it i'm remembering things about it i'd completely forgotten, and this will only increase when i see them (or one in particular).
But everyone else on here has suffered so much more than me and they're being strong, whereas i'm struggling with just this when it was my fault anyway!! Argghhh, i'm soooooo sorry!!!!
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 01:10 PM

I can't say I've been through exactly what you've been through...but I have been sexually abused before and I believe that is what happened to you.

I'll share my story if that's okay with you. Well you kind of have no choice so here goes...

I was raped continuously by a man 12 years older than me. He was my sisters boyfriend. I liked it sometimes....I loved the attention and the feeling of being special. But other times it was forceful. He grabbed my hair a lot and held my head down many times. (And i understand the panicky feeling when you wrote yours...I'm feeling the same way.)

I won't tell you that it gets better because I hate it when people say that but i will say that you are not alone. *hugs*




Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

Stop the world I wanna get off.
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 01:34 PM

Hi Molz2015. Thank you for replying, it means a lot! You are soo strong! You've gone through so much, i don't know how you've managed! What i've remembered going through is absolutely nothing compared to you. What happened to you was horrible and no way your fault, you were taken advantage of and i hope you are feeling able to continue with the wonderful life ahead of you. These girls were younger than me and i should have stopped it, so i'm to blame for my... erm... experience?! (wrong word, but can't think of the right one)

I'm really sorry, my post is all over the place as i'm finding it hard to concentrate- because i'm being stupid and overreacting to everything.

But i mean, thank you for your post, and you can always drop me a message if you need to talk.
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 01:52 PM

You are not weak and I promise you that....you were really young you couldn't have stopped it.




Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

Stop the world I wanna get off.
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 5th 2013, 02:14 PM

Thank you Molly. I hope one day i can believe you!
   
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Re: Embarassed, confused, what was this? - February 7th 2013, 12:04 AM

My situation was not exactly the same but I completely understand how it is so strange and confusing to wonder why you stayed in a bad relationship. I HATED myself for a really long time because I stayed in an abusive relationship. I didn't understand how I could have let myself be hurt like that and for so long. I think it might have something to do with self esteem, like even before that relationship we were feeling low about ourselves. We felt as though the pros of having their 'friendship' outweighed the cons of their abuse. Honestly, how are we supposed to react? I never expected my boyfriend to turn violent, I was so invested in him that I guess I just dealt with it.

Regardless that we stayed or why, it does not justify their actions. What they did was wrong, and we are not responsible for any of the actions they choose to take against us.

Also, don't feel like your feelings aren't justified, because they are. You are suffering from abuse. That is very real, you are not stupid, just because some cases of abuse are more extreme then others does not make yours any less worthy of recognition.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I'm glad that you now know that it was wrong and to stay away from people who will do that to you. As for the massive trust issues, I can say the only remedy's I have found are time and pick really great genuine friends to be around. I have no tolerance anymore for people who are unkind and self serving.
Hopefully this is helpful, I think if you remember that you deserve respect and love from those who you have any sort of relations with, things will get better for you.


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"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

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