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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 19th 2009, 08:18 PM

since i remembered what my postman did (touching me, kissing me, hugging me, asking me to strip, grabbing my finger, pulling my clothes, pulling me towards to him, waiting for me in the street, knocking on my door in the mornings so he could talk to me n try to get me to strip for him) but since ive remembered it, ive been trying so hard to tell people around me like my mum, this boy who likes me so my potential boyfriend/boyfrined(im not compleltey sure if we going out or are just friends) but i kinda lied to him about why i dont like being touched i wana tell him but im worried he will be cross with me because i have lied to him why i dont like being touched, my friend, my counsellor, i cant even bring myself to tell them how am i gona tell the police. its getting to the point where im walking past a postbox and getting triggered just because of it is a postbox i cant even walk past a postman without getting triggered and upset, i cant even walk past a postoffice without getting triggered or upset. im having dreams where ive told the police and the postman is chasing me or that the postman is back and is wanting to do the things he did to me agian. even today i was watching a film with my friend and there was a postoffice in the film and it triggered me, and i cant even walk past a post van without being triggered, even the other day on tv the postman pat song was being sung and it triggered me. i work in a pre school im not sure what im gona do if the kids bring in a postman pat van or the pretend post office gets put out at work, anything that reminds me of what the postman did i find triggering, i wana tell people around me like family, friends, the boy who likes me, the police and my counsellor but i cant i try to but i cant. at the moment it feels like im stuck and cant tell anyone, not that my mum would belive me, my friend would most likely tell her family i dont want that, the police most likely wont do anything, and my counsellor will tell someone or make me tell someone else, and the boy who likes me will most likley be angry and mad at me for lying to him about why i dont like being touched, if only i never spoke to the postman none of this would never have happened, and i feel like crying but cant i hate this and if i never spoke to the postman in the first place none of this would have never have happened.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 19th 2009, 08:38 PM

Hey Lydia,

I am proud of you for even considering telling someone. You have to do things on your own schedule and take your time. While pushing yourself a little bit is good, don't force yourself to talk to the police or anyone you aren't comfortable with. You mentioned that you were afraid anyone you tell won't keep it confidential. It might be a good idea to ask your counselor about the confidentiality boundaries. You might even want to set up a hypothetical situation or pretend a friend is having this problem and she doesn't know if it will be kept secret if she tells anyone. If your counselor says it isn't something a therapist could keep secret that shouldn't completely put you off telling her. She can help you talk to your family and even the police about it. I am sure they want what is best for you and will be more understanding than you imagine. There really isn't anything to be afraid of. No decent person would judge you for this and if someone does they are simply not worth your time. It is important to let people know so they can help you and support you. Trying to battle through this all on your own just makes it that much harder. I can understand why you would feel guilty for not telling your friend the truth. However, I don't think he would hold it against you. Not everyone is an open book and thats okay. It is a hard topic to talk about and I think he will understand why you struggled with telling him what was going on. It is up to you wether you decide to let him know or not. If you are afraid he is going to overstep your boundaries then you need to make those boundaries known. It is isn't as important why you don't want to be touched because no matter the reason he should respect your wishes. Don't be afraid to let him know if he is doing something you are uncomfortable with. If you don't speak up then how can you expect him to know what he is doing wrong. Everything you are dealing with is very difficult. I want to remind you that you aren't alone and that there are people here who care about you. If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here for you. Take care and hang in there. I know you can achieve whatever you put your mind to.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Re: if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 19th 2009, 08:43 PM

heyy lydia
ok why dont you try writing it down or something, or do it over IM or give one of us and IM address and we will do it for you? or copy and paste this link?
xoxox



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Re: if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 19th 2009, 11:58 PM

Hey,

Again, I'd like to remind you how strong you are for sticking to your plan of telling someone. Sometimes, even for me, thinking about trying to improve things is extremely hard. Remember that there is no need to tell someone you have doubts about. This type of subject is already difficult, so make sure you're as comfortable as possible. Though, I don't think you'll ever be 100% at the start, so be prepared for some discomfort but pick the person you trust most.

I realize you have many people in mind that can be possible candidates to confront about this, but try sticking to one for now. And, if I were you, I would make sure it's someone that can get your further help. So, I don't think telling the boy would be the best idea. You can if you really trust him, but don't do it to justify not wanting to be touched. You don't need to justify yourself. I think I would try telling a counselor first. You're 18, legally they don't need to tell anyone. I would suggest that more than the police because they can give you professional advice and help you cope enough to tell the police(if you want). I just think that the less pressure on you, the easier it will be.

Listen, I know it's easy to blame yourself. I know that because I do it all the time. Why? Because it's easier than blaming someone we can't control. We force ourselves to believe it could have been stopped, when in reality, we couldn't have. No one knows how to deal with assault and no one walks around preparing for it to happen. This isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to avoid anything to continue on with your life. You can't blame yourself. There is no point. Just work on moving on and getting better. Worry about yourself.

Being triggered by the simplest things isn't supposed to be a normal part of your life. You shouldn't have to walk around avoiding things because they make you remember vivid memories. My point- you can get help and you can make this easier on yourself. But, nothing will ever change if you don't tell someone who can help. If you bottle it up, it'll only build up and get worse. Reach out and you'll find people are willing and able to help. Things might never be the same, but they can get better.


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Re: if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 23rd 2009, 03:18 PM

yesterday i told two community support officers 'my postman asked me to strip, what do i do ' they told me i would need to go to the police station report it and i would talk to a police officer who is trained to help me. and that they would wana talk my neighbours, my family. theres on problem with that though my mum dont know no one in my family knows, my neighbours i dont want them knowing, everyone will all think ew she let the postman do that to her ew.
   
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Re: if i cant tell him how will i tell the police? - April 23rd 2009, 11:56 PM

Hey,

It's amazing you had the strength to talk to the community officers. Think of going to the police as being the same as going to the community officers - at the end of the day, telling someone is telling someone, no matter who you tell [if that makes sense?]. No matter who you tell, and no matter what position of authority that person may hold, you're still telling someone what happened and that takes so, so much strength and courage. For even getting this far and being able to tell the community officers, it's fantastic. Something to be very, very proud of yourself for because telling someone, having the courage to report this - it's not easy. Keep telling yourself that if you have the strength to tell the community officers, you can tell the police.

You don't necessarily know for sure the police officers will tell any details to those they interrogate; by interviewing your neighbors, they could be trying to figure out the profile of the postman. Most likely they'll only be asking questions such as, what did they think of him, did he seem creepy, did they ever witness him engaging in illegal activity such as sexual abuse, have they ever been sexually abused by him, etc. I believe telling them your case details - that is, mentioning your name specifically, would go against confidentiality? I'm not positive on this and it's something you'd have to ask the officer assigned to your case about. Just keep in mind that while they very well may talk to your neighbors, it doesn't mean your neighbors will find out it's you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmisschatterbox View Post
everyone will all think ew she let the postman do that to her ew.
No one - no one who's worth anything or worth listening to - will ever tell you it's your fault for letting him do this to you. Abuse is never, ever the victim's fault; no one asks to be hurt like this. This is not your fault at all. If someone makes a comment like that? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that YOU know you didn't ask for this. Let other people say what they want, if they were actually in this situation I'm sure they'd be singing to a different tune.

Let me know anytime you want to talk about anything, all right? Take good care of yourself and hang in there.



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