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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
liketheangel Offline
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Name: Amy
Age: 29
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relapse? - April 20th 2009, 10:36 PM

ive been feeling so good.
but today i watched this film about abuse
and my mind jsut wont elt me forget.

the screwed up thing is im now pretty sure it was my fault.. or i at least could have done rmoe to prevent the second tim e.. which has stayed with me the most.

one day il be really resentful of him. the next il be thinking of apologiasing

is this normal behaiviour or am i just crazy?

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
let the dream begin let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Jen Offline
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Re: relapse? - April 20th 2009, 11:55 PM

Hey Amz,
I don't really like the word "normal" so instead of telling you that what you're going through is "normal", I will tell you that it is VERY common for survivors of rape and/or abuse and assault to feel the way you are feeling. You are NOT alone, and you are NOT crazy. Our minds are tricky things. Sometimes our minds are fine and others they're not. Sometimes we are triggered, sometimes we're not. It sounds like you were super triggered today, which has nothing to do with you being crazy. It has to do with your brain and body reacting to something reminding you of what you've been through.

Amz, it was NOT your fault. Abuse and assault are never anyone's fault. It's easy for us to think "I could have ___" or "I should have ____" but in reality, we only do that as a way of coping. It's easier to blame ourselves than to accept that this world is scary and awful things happened to us and it was totally out of your control. But this was not your fault, not at all.

You are not crazy. When you get stuck and triggered, try to ground yourself. Wrap yourself up in blankets, watch a comforting television show, focus on your surroundings and the here and now. I have LOTS of grounding techniques (for staying in the present) if you'd like to hear some more. Take GOOD care of yourself and please don't hesitate to PM me anytime.

p.s. That is my most favorite "Phantom of the Opera" song, I love it!!

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
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Re: relapse? - April 21st 2009, 11:55 AM

Hey Amz,

Of course it's common to be triggered by things.
There are days when you hold yourself responsible for things and others where you hold the person who abused you responsible. I know it is incredibly difficult to get into that mind frame where you stop blaming yourself, because usually people have carried abuse with them for a while and blame themselves for a long time, so to be told it's not your fault is the exact opposite of what you have been telling yourself.

Amz if you're feeling triggered by what you watched then speak to someone, is there anyone close to you who knows what happened to you who you can speak to about things?

You have to always remember it wasn't your wrong it was his, the person who did that to you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
He's to blame and you're not for one second.

I'm here if you ever want to speak.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
soul Offline
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Re: relapse? - April 22nd 2009, 10:29 AM

Hey Amz,

You aren't crazy at all. What you went through was extremely traumatic leaves a person emotionally rattled and confused. It is okay to have conflicting feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel about him. The only wrong thing you can think is that you are to blame for this. You are not to blame in any way shape or form. You aren't to blame for the first or second time. If it happened a thousand times you wouldn't be to blame for any one of them. No one asks to be raped. Think about this quote for a second: "When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves."-Chuck Palahniuk. When you trust someone you can make ridiculous excuses to avoid accepting the fact that they betrayed you. It is easier to blame yourself and hate yourself then except the fact that they were a bad person. You make so many decisions everyday that have an effect on the outcomes of things. Say you park your car on one corner instead of another and while you're shopping it gets hit. You could have gone shopping another day. You could have parked somewhere else. You could have gone shopping somewhere else. You could have even stopped for lunch before hand. Just because you could have done these things doesn't mean it was your fault your car got hit. Just like this scenario wouldn't be your fault, what happened to you isn't your fault either. You didn't ask for your car to get hit and you didn't ask for what happened to you. Flashbacks can be terrifying. They make all the emotions you're feeling towards this as fresh as ever. It is a good idea to have a support system or plan in place in case one comes. Here is a link with some tips on how to cope with flashbacks:http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/group...iscussionid=39. I hope you find some helpful tips there. Try some things out and see what works for you. Having someone to talk you through it can always help. I am here for you if you ever want to talk. You aren't alone. Take care of yourself and hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi

As long as we can dream, there will be unicorns.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
liketheangel Offline
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Re: relapse? - April 22nd 2009, 06:39 PM

i know what you mean about the changing thing. but surelky its my fault if i didnt do EVERYTHING i possible of could to stop it. when i know i didnt.
i like the quote you gave. but the thing is i find it alot easier to hate myself as ive never been my biggest fan.
and too everyone else who knwos him hes the sweetest really attractive cute guy... i cant help that i either overeacted or i brought out something bad in him.

either way my fault

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
let the dream begin let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
cosmicillusion Offline
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Re: relapse? - April 22nd 2009, 07:03 PM

it wasnt your fault. dont get that in your mind.
keep your chin up and think positive.
dont hold a grudge because thats not healthy.
just get him out of your mind and stay away from anything that might remind you of what happened.
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
coimirceoir Offline
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Name: Dean
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Join Date: April 20th 2009

Re: relapse? - April 22nd 2009, 08:30 PM

When it comes to rape and/or abuse, the slightest of everyday things can trigger your mind in a negative way, the important thing to try and remember is that you done noting to cause what happened to you and in no way is it your fault, the person who done this to you is completely responsible for their own actions although they will try to put the blame on you so they dont look like the bad person. what was done to you is a crime and the offender must be punished not you. As said above try to avoid the things that you know may trigger you but also some say that having these things trigger you can be somewhat helpful in your road to recovery by helping your mind find the right solution to help you heal.

I hope and wish you all the happiness in your future healing. stay strong and dont let the badness drag you down.
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