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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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taylorr Offline
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Okay - April 23rd 2009, 12:05 AM

I know it says "Do not ask if this is rape...." but, I'm going to anyways, because I honestly have no idea.

This guy from school who I kind of like needed a ride home today, so I said I'd give him one. On our way to his house, he asked me about something about sex and I told him I like having sex. And he kept begging me to have sex with him today, but I said not today. So, while I'm driving he keeps asking and I kept saying no, not today. He started to touch me and kiss my chest, and all I could do was say stop and don't do that (I couldn't really be physical about it because I was driving.) and he kept doing it so I shifted my body, and he pulled away and started begging again. We turned into a subdivision and he was telling me how to get to his house and there was a trail to the woods and he told me to go up it and I asked if he seriously lived up the trail and he said yes. And then he was like well no, but come on just 5 minutes, it doesn't have to be sex or oral, just kissing. So, I finally just gave in. And we got into the back seat of my car and he climbed on top of me and we were kissing and then he started acting like we were having sex. Like we still had clothes on, but he was acting like he was thrusting it into me. And he was doing it really hard and it actually kind of hurt. So, I told him to stop. And he didn't. And when I tried to get up he just held me down and kept doing it and I kept saying no, stop, don't. And finally I pushed him away and was climbing into the driver's seat when he pulled on my belt loop and said hey looks like you got a cute ass can I see it? and he started pulling my pants off and I just tried to joke it off and said I do have a cute ass maybe later, and he pulled me back into the back seat and kept trying to get them off and I pushed him away and said seriously don't. And got into the front seat and started driving away.

So, sorry this is long, I didn't know how else to explain it. But, I'm kind of afraid of him. And he's my friend! I didn't know friends could do that to friends. So, is it rape...? Or something like it...?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 12:24 AM

Hey Taylor,

I wouldn't say this is rape, since there wasn't actually penetration, but I would say this is sexual assault. You clearly said no to him, and you repeatedly said no - yet he continued to do this anyway and he had no right to. He didn't have your permission to act this way. He didn't have your consent, therefore, it's assault.

Even if it wasn't rape though, I strongly urge you to report this. Tell a school guidance counselor, a teacher, your parents, the police...tell someone. For one thing, you don't know whether or not he's going to try to do this again to you, and whether he might try to go farther next time - you also don't know if he could be doing this to other girls. Either way though, what he did was not ok or appropriate under any circumstances and he shouldn't be able to get away with this.

I'd also advise you to stay away from him, Taylor. Honestly, if he went ahead and acted this way even though you said no multiple times, well....there's nothing that says he might not try again, you know? He's not someone you should be spending time with. It's just not safe and your safety should be your top priority right now.



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 12:30 AM

Hey Taylor, first off i'm really sorry someone you consider a friend would do this to you. It can be especially confusing when it's someone you trust, but i would definitely say that what he did was sexual assault. You repeatedly said no, but he continued anyways. I really think you should tell someone about this hun. Whether it's a parent or a teacher at school, but someone should know. Is there an adult in your life that you trust talking to??

I hope your okay right now and if you ever need someone to listen please pm me.
<3 emily
   
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 12:58 AM

Alright. Sexual Assult makes more sense than rape does.
And I don't know if I can tell anyone. I mean I'm kind of
at fault here. I did pull off the road and give in to his pleas.
I don't know. I just feel like it's my fault. I should have known
it wasn't going to be "just kissing."
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 01:28 AM

You're not at fault at all, Taylor. You didn't give him permission to do what he did. You didn't say 'yes' to him. Assault is never the victim's fault. If anything, it's HIS fault because he's the one who went ahead with what he was doing even though you told him no. Even if he'd maybe missed it the first time you said no, you told him multiple times. He ignored that.

I think when it comes to assault or rape...well, there's always something we'll wish we'd have done differently - if we'd have done this, if we hadn't done this etc, it wouldn't have happened. The thing is though, Taylor, you can't know for sure. You can't predict the future before it actually happens. You can't know what he would or wouldn't have done. And when it comes down to it, you said no, and that's all there is to it. You can't be to blame because you didn't give him consent to do what he did.



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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 06:51 AM

I definitely have to agree with everything Sarah said. Taylor this was NOT your fault hun. Someone you trusted took advantage of you. You told him to stop and that's enough. It was his responsibility to leave you alone at that point. And just because you kissed him does not give him the right to go any further.

I know it's hard to accept that your not to blame hun, but your not. I'm still struggling with getting that concept thru my head

And I still think you should talk to someone about this. Even if you don't want to report it, telling a therapist and talking with them can really help.

please pm me if u need anything.
<3 emily
   
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 08:34 PM

Hey Taylor,

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted like this. Can you agree with me that this isn't something anyone wants? If you can then use that train of thought to make the conclusion that if you didn't want it, said no repeatably, and he continued anyway that your freedom of choice was taken away from you. You didn't choose this for yourself. He choose to do this this to you. You cannot control another person's actions. He isn't some marionette you were pulling the strings for. He did this out of his own free will and because of that he is to blame. It isn't your fault just like it isn't anyones fault who gets assaulted. Place the blame where it belongs and get justice for yourself. Going to the police is frightening and intimidating but you are strong enough to do the right thing. It might help you to visit this website where you can have an online conversation with a crisis counselor: http://www.rainn.org/. You can also try calling a hotline and you can look one up in your area HERE. They might be able to better convince you to take this to the authorities. While I highly recommend reporting this it is okay not to. Do what is best for you. However, I do think you should try to talk to someone about this wether it be a friend, a counselor, or a family member is up to you. Trying to work through this alone is just going to make it that much harder. You deserve all the help in the world but no one can help you unless they know what's going on. The person who violated you like that is not your friend. Friends don't intentionally hurt each other. Instead, friends look out for each other and protect each other. You do not need him in your life. You deserve so much better than that. Furthermore, what is stopping him from pulling a stunt like that again? Who says he won't go even further next time? You need to watch out for yourself and think about your safety and security. No friend is worth putting yourself at risk like that. I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. Take care and hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 10:31 PM

Uhm, okay. So I told my therapist about it and she just said that I should just let it go. She says that both of us screwed up. That I decided to pull over and get in the back seat and he decided to not stop.
That is really not what I needed to hear from my therapist. Now I feel even worse.
I don't know. I just don't know anything any more.
   
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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 11:23 PM

Taylor,
I am so sorry that your therapist reacted the way she did. That was completely inappropriate and unprofessional, and while I don't know your therapist and therefore shouldn't really pass judgment...I'm going to pass judgment anyway! I can only imagine what it would've been like for me to have had someone say that to me, especially if it was my therapist. I am so, so sorry and I wish I could give you a hug right now. Taylor it wasn't your fault....I know you don't believe it right now but I'll say it as many times as you need til you believe it. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. Please take good care of yourself and please PM me ANYTIME, I am here for you okay?

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Re: Okay - April 23rd 2009, 11:48 PM

Taylor,

I'm proud of you for having the courage to tell your counselor what happened; however, I don't agree at all with your counselor's reaction. As Jen said, she acted very unprofessionally by telling you it was partially your fault. It's not your fault at all, Taylor, and it's extremely important to tell yourself it wasn't your fault, because otherwise, you're not going to be able to heal from this. You can't move on from something you believe was your fault. It's going to stay in the back of your head because you're always going to feel, you could have done this, you could have done that etc to make sure it had never happened, you know? Assault is never the victim's fault - ever. Yes, you might have pulled the car over but so what? You told him not to go as far as he went and he did anyway - that's HIS fault. You didn't know he was going to go that far - that's HIS fault that he went so far. It's HIS fault, Taylor, never yours.

Something to think about would be switching counselors. I'm not sure how helpful you find your counselor; however, if she's reacting this way to the assault, you might find it easier if you switch to someone else, someone who will react appropriately to what happened.



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  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Okay - April 24th 2009, 12:06 AM

Yeah. I don't know. I guess when I told her I expected her to react more caring than she did. And I just spoke to her on the phone (she decided to make me call because when I left today I looked really pissed and upset, which I was.) and she said again that I should just let it go, that its not the end of the world.
And I'm thinking to myself, well, no I know it's not the end of the world, but right now, it is my world. She also said that five years from now I probably won't even remember his name, because it was just one afternoon and it would have been worse if it had gone further.
And I don't get why she's trying to get me to think about it like that, because right now, I am hurting from it and I bet in five years I will remember this and I will remember his name.
I just need someone who actually cares because they care, not because its their job to "care." (Which, I'm actually going to talk to a teacher- from last year but were close- about it tomorrow, she knows that I was sexually assulted, she just doesn't really know the whole thing, but she texted me and asked me to please come in tomorrow morning, so I think I will.)
   
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Re: Okay - April 24th 2009, 04:47 AM

I'm really glad that your going to go talk to your teacher tomorrow. You do need support. Please don't let what your counselor said make you think that this wasn't a big deal because if it matters to you, then it is. It's your life and if it's effecting you this way then it's not something you should just try and forget. He hurt you and you have every right to need some time and support to work through and overcome this.

I definitely agree that maybe you should find another counselor if this one isn't being helpful. What she said was completely unprofessional and really upsets me.

I'm sorry your hurting hun, please pm if you need to talk and let us know how things go with your teacher tomorrow.
<3 emily
   
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Re: Okay - April 24th 2009, 05:26 AM

Taylor,

What happened to you isn't something everyone experiences, ok? I think when people hear the stories of rape victims, they believe that rape is the worst offense compared to all sexual offenses. I think because it takes someones virginity away, other people put that in a higher class than anything else. This is silly for anyone to do. The fact of the matter is, what you went through was and still is hard. It would be for anyone. Just because it wasn't rape doesn't mean it hurt you any less.

As for your counselor, I think she needs to stop comparing your problem with those of a more serious case. If you feel like you can't tell your counselor your problems, then you don't need to. Just because she's a professional, doesn't mean it's any easier to open up. If you can't open up to the person that is supposed to be helping your through this difficult problem, then that defeats the purpose of even going. You don't need to talk to anyone you're not comfortable with, so maybe this is your sign to find a new counselor.

The problem that you're forced to deal with is serious and it should be taken as such by anyone-professionals included. Talk to anyone that you trust and you'll get the reaction you desire a little faster. I think you'll always remember his name and this isn't just something you can pretend never happened. That's the most unhealthy thing. Don't close off, just find someone a lot better. It sounds to me like you already have one, so I think you should make use of her and see where this tales you. Remember, there are many people out there that would be more than willing to help.


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Re: Okay - April 25th 2009, 01:22 AM

Well, yesterday I texted the teacher and told her that I was sexually assulted, but didn't want to report it. She texted back and said to please come see her in the morning that she needed to talk to me about it and that her concern was for me not whether or not I report it.
So, I went to her classroom this morning and I couldn't really talk, but she just sat there with me for about 45 minutes, she kind of talked. She said that by law she had to report it, but because I didn't give a name it would be up to me as to whether or not I wanted to when "someone" approached me about it. I didn't really know who "someone" was, but I'll get to that.
So, you know. Went through my day and managed to avoid the kid who did it. After school I went back to the teacher and she said she called the school (woman) resource officer who then directed her to the County Sheriff Office, but she decided that she didn't think that would really help me any, so basically, now it's just down to me being the one to talk about it.
I also told her about what my therapist said and she's really kind of upset about that.
And she said if I needed anything else this weekend, anything at all, to just text her or call her. So, I guess as of right now, I'm kind of okay. I have to see my therapist tomorrow, and I'm not really looking forward to it, but I'm going to go anyways. Okay. I guess that is all I have to say as of right now.
I don't plan on reporting the assult. I don't want to go through all that. I think I'm just going to try to focus on making sure I'm okay for now. Thanks you guys!
   
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Re: Okay - April 25th 2009, 03:21 AM

Hey Taylor,

Just know that if you don't report it now, it will only be harder to report it later. I only say this because its true and I would hate to see you feel regret for not reporting it. Its so great you've found a teacher for some emotional and strong support.You were brave for comming forward. I just hope this kid isn't going around violating other girls.

Good luck!
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Re: Okay - April 26th 2009, 01:01 AM

I know, but I just don't think I can. I don't know. I'm too afraid to report it and I just want to forget about it. I mean, I know I can't just forget about this, but I just don't want to think about it, which is also really hard. I don't know. I hope he's not violating other girls too, but for right now, he violated me and I think I need to take care of me right now.
   
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Re: Okay - April 29th 2009, 05:15 AM

I'm glad that your taking care of yourself hun. That is definitely the most important thing right now. And i completely understand you not wanting to go through reporting him and i will support whatever decision you make.

As for forgetting and not thinking about it though... i don't think that's a good idea hun. It may seem like the easy way out, but it all just comes back up later and can be even harder to deal with. I really think you should find a therapist who is more supportive and will help you work thru this.

please pm me if u need to talk hun.
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Re: Okay - May 7th 2009, 08:26 AM

It was not your fault.
Sounds to me like the guy was pressuring you to do this.
I know I had a hard time saying no to this guy I thought was my friend. We hooked up at times, and I remember one night I was getting over an infection so it kinda hurt a bot. I asked him to stop but he wanted to finish.
But I never talk to him anymore. Not because of that but yeah.
But this does sound like sexual assult. I do believe he can get in trouble for that if you go to the police.
   
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