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Ruined everything - August 30th 2013, 08:07 PM

I got abused in the past. A lot. It stopped years ago but Ive never quite gotten over it. My dad physically abused me from childhood till I was 13, and my cousin who was supposed to be like an elder brother to me, sexually abused me from the ages of 6-12. and because of them two ive gone through so much. I even got hospitalised two years ago because I was that depressed and underweight n suicidal.. any cut a long story short, a few months back this guy text me on my number that I don't really use a lot, n he text me by accident. when I asked who it was he said he was textin his friend n he got the number wrong by one digit n the message ended up coming to me, anyway since then we have been textin n stuff and he seems pretty decent. and I don't know how but things kinda escalated and I started to have feelings for him and him for me. I told him about my past n that I cnt trust people n that I find all this relationship business very difficult, and he just took it all in his stride. and today he told me he loves me, and ive turned around and tried to end things with him bcoz I cant do it. I cant be intimate or give my heart to someone with the chance that they could hurt me too. and I am so upset bcoz this guy is actually genuine, its nothing to do with him, its just me I cant do it, I cant be partner material and its coz of all the bullshit that happened in the past. I saw him last week, and he held me and for them few moments everything just disappeared, he was so gentle and loving and caring, but as quick as I felt that, the past memories flooded in and I started panicking. I couldn't do it. I hate myself for doing this. I really want to make things work, I just know in my heart that he's decent, and he will help me get over the past but there's one solid fraction of my heart and soul that will not allow me to be happy, bcoz that happiness will get taken away from me. I know he wont do nothing like that. i'd leave my homen family for him right now if I had to but I cant give him my 100% like he's giving me. I fell so confused and upset, and broken inside because im weak and damaged and ruined coz of what happened in the past. They always say things happen for a reason, It was sheer coincidence he sent that text to me by accident, and even more coincidental that I checked my number that I don't really use that day n saw his message. We've talkin five months now, and I really feel a lot for him. I don't know how to explain it, there's just something about him that's kept me attracted to him, and stay friends with him despite my past concerns. I don't know what to do now. I feel awful like I shouldn't have allowed things to escalate like this, I should never have allowed him to start speakin to me, or let things go to the next level. Why am I like this, why cant I just let go of all the past and be normal. just be a normal happy person who can have a perfectly normal relationship just like any other couple. them bastards have ruined my life. Im gonna be 20 soon and I have nothing and no-one :/


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Re: Ruined everything - September 1st 2013, 04:52 AM

It sounds like you're being fair with him, he knows you can't give 100% but it doesn't really have to do with him. In a similar situation I just gave what I could, and sometimes I would just pretend to do what a 100% person would do. Fake it till you make it. You may work through your issues with him, but it might not happen and I wouldn't want to put that pressure on him. Enjoy what you can share together and let that be enough. Over time you might be able to give 100% or you might not, but it's really what's in your mind and less about him. So with any other guy you would probably feel exactly the same. As long as you've been fair and I feel you have been, more than forthcoming about what you can give you should take it as far as you can. As an adult he'll be able to decide for himself if it's enough or if it isn't, and if it isn't, then you tried, and you gave yourself a chance. Keep giving yourself chances and you will succeed. I dunno hope that doesn't sound dumb.
   
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