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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Question Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 16th 2013, 10:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

About a year ago I was texting my WAY older cousin Richard (he's 40ish) and he was being kinda creepy by calling me sexy and I introduced him to my friend Kendra via text before that btw. I thought it was weird but decided that it probably didn't mean much because my family has always been buggy and intimate. So he invited Kendra and I to see a movie but Kendra bailed at the last minute and I wanted to get to see a movie for free (he paid for the ticket and food) We got settled in our seats and he put his hand on my butt and I didn't know what to do so I (stupidly) hoped that if I ignore it than it's not happening -.- but he went farther with full on gripping my bum but his bare hand and that's when I moved his hand and he went back down anyways When he asked me about why I kept moving his hand, I said it's distracting me from the movie. It got worse from there because he ended up resting his head on mine, licked my face and nibbled on my ear I eventually had to get up and hide in the washroom for a Long time and when I came back 30ish mins later, he forced his lips on mine and tried shoving his tongue in my mouth -.- I clamped my mouth shut to prevent it. We talked after the movie was done before my grandparent came to pick us up and agreed that "us" would NEVER work. I told Kendra what happened but I didnt want my family to know since I thought they'd blame me (which they did btw) I thought about telling the police and getting him punished or something but I can't bring myself to do it. My only plan is to avoid him as much as possible and my family that know have promised to not allow him to be alone with me. But I kinda wonder if my family is right and it was my fault for not leaving the second his hand touched my booty :/


Everthing I see seems to be a lie. And everything you see in me you think is the truth. But, really all you see is what I'm masking the real me with. You never see me cry. Because I'll never let you. And you'll never see me die because I feel like I already have in a way.

   
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Re: Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 18th 2013, 09:21 PM

Hey there,

I really don't think that it was your fault. There are always what-ifs. There are always things we could have done. It was his fault for treating you that way. You do not deserve that. It's also hard to stand up to someone and tell them to stop, so I wouldn't get too down on yourself for not doing anything.

I think avoiding him is definitely a good idea. It's also great that you have some of your family supporting you with this! I'm sure it will be a great help to have them help you

Remember, this is the past. You can't change your actions. I know it's hard, but I would try not to let "what you could have done" bother you too much. It's not your fault you were treated this way. I hope this helped a little. I'm sorry this happened to you


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Re: Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 18th 2013, 11:05 PM

Hey,
Before I say anything else, I want to tell you the most important, essential phrase you will ever here regarding your abuse it was NOT your fault. You did not ask, you even tried to get him to stop. And even if you were the one initiating it(which isn't the case here) it still wouldn't be your fault because HE is the adult and HE is the one who should be keeping you safe and protecting you from things like this!
Also, you are very strong for telling your familily. You may think that not telling for a couple weeks was being "passive" but there are many girls who don't tell for months or even years. Telling for the first time is the first step towards healing and, in my opinion, the hardest step. You are very courageous for taking that first step.
It is perfectly fine that you can't bring yourself to take your cousin to court. It is not a neccisary step to heal or find closure within yourself. For most, the court process can actually end up being as traumatic as the abuse itself.
I am very glad that your parents are not allowing you to be alone with him anymore. Their love and support can help you feel safe again and be a wonderful help on your healing process.
I think that avoiding your cousin as much as humanely possible is a very good idea. And I would like to let you know that none of your feelings towards this are "stupid", none of your actions during or after the abuse are "stupid". As a matter of fact they are all common and to be expected! And again, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Let this become a mantra that you repeat to yourself over and over. It is not your obligation or even an essential step in your healing process to forgive your cousin. He did an unforgivable thing, something that no one should ever have to go through. Perhaps the biggest and hardest part of your healing process is forgiving yourself. And you do so the moment you sincerely realize, both in your heart and mind, that it was not your fault.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck on your journey <3


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Re: Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 19th 2013, 10:48 AM

Thank you Nal and Foreheart for replying what you both've said has made me feel better about where to lay the blame in the situation.


Everthing I see seems to be a lie. And everything you see in me you think is the truth. But, really all you see is what I'm masking the real me with. You never see me cry. Because I'll never let you. And you'll never see me die because I feel like I already have in a way.

   
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Re: Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 20th 2013, 01:43 PM

No, it is definitely not your fault. First of all, he is older and knows better (way too old tbh). He disrespected you, and it seems like his whole motive in inviting you to the movie was to abuse you. You did nothing to indicate you appreciated his advances, and you clearly indicated that you didn't like what he was doing. You also did actually leave the scene for a good portion of the movie.

The fact that anyone in your family would blame you at all instead of him is part of the problem. Promising to make sure he is not alone with you is not enough. If they really care, they should confront him and back you up. He should be banned from your family's house and similar family functions, and you should not have to be around him period. The fact that they would blame you shows that their thinking is similar to his and that they are part of the problem instead of part of the solution. They should not be questioning how you handled the situation- they should be questioning why he would be so perverted in the first place.

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, but don't blame yourself for hesitating on leaving. It is really difficult in situations like that to know how to handle them.



   
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Re: Is it my fault for being too passive and not telling my family for a few weeks? - November 21st 2013, 07:31 AM

Yeah I was afraid that if I told them than he'd find a way to twist it and make me look guilty and my friend Kendra was the first person I told and was with me when I told my grandma who in turn told my grandpa and mom who wasn't home at the time.


Everthing I see seems to be a lie. And everything you see in me you think is the truth. But, really all you see is what I'm masking the real me with. You never see me cry. Because I'll never let you. And you'll never see me die because I feel like I already have in a way.

   
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