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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Unhappy Does relationship = consent? - February 16th 2015, 07:40 AM

If two people are in a relationship, and every time they have had sex, she says no and tries to push him away, but he goes in anyway, is that okay?
-The girl never screamed or kicked or anything. And she didn't break up with him until several months after they started having sex. Before the first time, the girl was a virgin who was uncomfortable with sex and afraid to try new things.
-The guy told her that she should want it because she was his girlfriend. He thought that she was held back by fear and would like it if she relaxed and tried it. The guy overpowered her pushing away to put it in.
-They thought they loved each other.

does the fact that she stayed in the relationship with him mean that she gave her consent? was this an okay experience?
I know many people will give me the textbook answer of "any time the girl doesn't say 'yes' its not consented", but what I really want to know is your honest opinions, not a textbook answer.
(Im trying to sort out some past experiences and fears)
   
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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 16th 2015, 03:00 PM

Hey there,

I know you mentioned that you don't want a textbook answer to this question, however my answer truly is, consent must be given every time. It doesn't matter if you're single or in a relationship. If someone has sex with you, and you said no, tried to resist, or it was done against your will, this is rape and it is not okay.

Here is a bit of information from
RAINN's website on relationships and rape.

Quote:
I used to date the person who assaulted me – does that mean it isn’t rape?

Rape can occur when the offender and the victim have a pre-existing relationship (sometimes called “date rape” or “acquaintance rape”), or even when the offender is the victim’s spouse. It does not matter whether the other person is an ex-boyfriend or a complete stranger, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex in the past. If it is nonconsensual this time, it is rape.

The fact is, your boyfriend took advantage of you even after you said no. In a healthy relationship, both parties consent to any sexual activity, and if one of you says no and does not give consent, the other respects those wishes and stops. Him telling you that just because you were dating you'd want sex with him, that you were going to enjoy it if you relaxed and tried it, were probably his twisted ways to justifying this wrong action to you and himself.

Staying in a relationship by no means was your way of giving consent. Many people stay in abusive and unhealthy relationships for a while before they can even begin to consider leaving. There are various reasons that people have for staying. This did not make it okay for him to continue to force you to have sex.

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this experience. Dealing with the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship can be extremely confusing and difficult. My best advice would be to talk about this with someone you trust. Keeping things bottled up inside can make things worse. You don't have to work through this alone. I'm also going to link you to the TeenHelp's Hotlines thread.

I hope this helped a bit.
Take care. :]


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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 16th 2015, 03:06 PM

This is basically the textbook answer, but this is what I think everyone here says and believes -- This was not okay for the guy to do. Not at all. Consent means the same thing in a relationship than it does outside of one. If anyone is saying no to sex then there is no consent. The fact that they were in a relationship doesn't mean anyone in it has to be okay with having sex. Even in relationships, there always has to be consent before anything can happen. Communication and respect are important, and the guy violated this by having sex with the girl (pretty sure that's rape).

Hope that helped, and that everything's okay.

~Estelle



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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 16th 2015, 03:15 PM

Just because it is the textbook answer doesn't necessarily mean that it's not right. This was not consensual if the girl said "no". Even if she didn't break up with him, it is still not consensual. There are many, many people who are in abusive relationships. But just because they're still in them does not mean that they have consented to them.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything!

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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 16th 2015, 09:13 PM

No, this is NOT consent. NOT at all. She said NO, and well, yes this is the textbook answer, but no means no. It doesn't matter if you're dating, married, friends, or strangers. If one person says NO, then that means the sexual act should be stopped immediately. Even if you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you are ready for sex or even want sex at all, and that should be respected. The guy overpowered her.

Even if the person stays in a relationship, that is not consent. People may not feel ready or able to leave an unhealthy relationship for a number of reasons, but that still doesn't make what happened okay.


   
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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 17th 2015, 07:00 AM

Hey there,

The others have basically summed it up but a relationship NEVER means consent. A relationship is just a status symbol but that doesn't automatically mean that two people have to jump into having sex. Both parties have to be comfortable with the idea of having sex. It sounds like the relationship you have described was an abusive relationship and the person was raped. This can be a lot to take in and if you are the person that was involved in this relationship I advise that you look into getting in to seeing a counselor so that you can talk about what occurred and so that you can work on healing from the things that occurred.

I am wishing you the best of luck and if you would like to talk about this in more detail please feel free to message me.


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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 17th 2015, 07:38 AM

Hi everyone,
I just want to say thanks. All of your answers helped me so much. But now I don't know how to handle this information. I spent the last 4 years keeping this to myself. I blame myself for not wanting it or for not ending it sooner. But now I just don't know how to feel...
   
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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 17th 2015, 10:11 AM

Like the others have said, Dani, this was absolutely NOT okay, and I am sorry you had this happen to you. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor? It might be a big help if you needed to work through some past issues. And listed, don't blame yourself at ALL, for not ending it sooner. It's very easy to look at a situation from the outside and see it one way, and very different to be in the middle of it. You were young and clearly very vulnerable and like you said yourself, you didn't really realise what was going on. This is absolutely not your fault. Okay? xx


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Re: Does relationship = consent? - February 17th 2015, 04:08 PM

Hey,

Like the person above said, whatever happened was in no way your fault. This is on him, not you. It sounds like you were being ignored and abused by your boyfriend, and not ending it doesn't mean it was your fault. Have you talked to a parent or close friend about this? Opening up might help. You could also try and see a counselor just to talk and sort out your feelings on this. I'm so sorry this happened to you -- you didn't deserve a bit of it.

Good luck,

~Estelle



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