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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Cria Offline
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I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 5th 2015, 06:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My father is verbally abusive, and I find myself desperate for any sort of affection. Even when I was a little kid, I was bullied, and I found myself desperately scrabbling to find anyone who would look at me with love.

Nowadays, I have amazing friends. My best friend is actually taking me in this summer, although it's thoroughly terrifying because I'm only 16 and I'm scared my parents will find some way to drag me back, even though I've done the research and it all says I will be able to live with them. I live in terror now. I'm scared that I'm a sociopath, that I won't be able to love because I don't feel anything anymore, not even for my younger siblings. I get 'Daddy crushes' on older men, and I'm constantly asking people if I annoy them. I have a panic attack if someone so much as tells me 'I'm busy, please stop messaging me, I'll talk later'. I feel like I've completely destroyed our relationship and I'll never be able to talk to that friend again.

I'm really, really scared. Research shows that victims of child abuse are more than likely to be attracted into abusive relationships, or become abusers themselves. I want to have children someday, but I know that option is barred to me forever because I don't want to become my parents.

I don't know what to do. I have to keep holding on until the summer, but I'm starting to feel that I can't. I'm so, so scared.

I'm sorry for this long ramble, I just really needed to get that out. Thank you.

~Cria.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 5th 2015, 09:41 PM

Hi there,

Iím really sorry to hear about what you have been through. I was abused too and I know exactly what itís like to crave love and affection.

Iím really glad that you have such good friends! When you have been abused it is very easy to believe that you are worthless and a lot of the time this leads to isolation and loneliness which makes everything worse. Having good friends and surrounding yourself with supportive and positive people can really help you. I donít know where you are, but are you sure that you can move out with your best friend? If you havenít been granted some sort of emancipation, I imagine that your parents could find a way of reporting you missing and you being brought back home. Do you have a back-up plan? Have you let other people know, such as best friendís parents, teachers or guidance counsellors? Also, you donít say much about your mum or other relatives, how is your relationship with them? Could they help you in some way?

You are not a sociopath. Abuse of any kind is a terrible thing to go through, and our brains have powerful capacity to get us through things like this, and in some cases it can be Ďshutting downí, so that you donít feel the pain of the abuse. This makes sense seeing as you were verbally abused, you probably switched off so that it wouldnít hurt. The downside is that our protective mechanisms can also affect us when we arenít being abused, so right now, you canít feel much for your siblings. But it wonít always be this way. Is it possible to get counselling, either through your school, an organisation or by going to your doctors? With the right help, you will be able to feel things again.

The Ďdaddy crushesí are also very normal- Iíve had the same but with mother figures. I guess itís because what we donít have, we crave and so if you havenít had a good relationship with your dad, then that is what you crave. Itís best not to act on these crushes seeing as some men may take advantage of you. That said, it might be good if you could find an older male role model, to see how they behave and treat women and children, and I guess itís nice to be able to have some guidance from them too from time to time.

The getting worried about being annoying and then panicking when you feel youíve destroyed the relationship, Iíve also been through and Iím still dealing with this. The way Iíve tried to make sense of this is that when you have been put down, you believe that you are worthless. Because of this, you feel that you donít deserve anyoneís time and you are also second guessing whether people like you or not, and whether they would just Ďabandoní you. I think to overcome this, you could start trying to build up your confidence. Think of all your good qualities, and remember them when you feel insecure. Try to remember that even though other people may be busy, it doesnít mean that the relationship is over. Remember, to the other person, nothing is wrong, and they arenít going to end the relationship. Itís just because you were abused that itís hard to trust others.

It is true that those who have been abused are more likely than those who havenít been abused to enter into abusive relationships. However, this is not true for everyone. A lot of people who have realised that they were abused, make big efforts to look after themselves and get help. The help they get in terms of counselling allows them to see healthy vs unhealthy relationships so that they know what to avoid in the future. The danger of future abusive relationships applies mainly to those who are in denial about past abuse, and donít learn whatís healthy and not. You sound very intelligent in trying to sort through your thoughts, so I think with help, you wonít be getting into abusive relationships.

Only a very small percentage of people who have been abused go on to abuse others, and like what I said above, itís usually those that havenít realised that they were abused, and donít know what healthy behaviour is. But you arenít like that. A lot of people who were abused want children, but decide that they will do the opposite of what their parents did. The option isnít barred for you at all- there is a lot of help out there available when you get to that stage in life.

I think you should talk to someone about how you feel. You could also check out our hotlines.

You shouldnít have to live in fear. You deserve so much more.

Take care


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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 6th 2015, 01:17 AM

I haven't completely read through Holly's response, so hopefully I don't repeat too much of what she said.

It's normal to look for affection because you haven't had much of it. It's common to look for it in other people, or to develop strong relationships with men. You're trying to fill a void by developing a good relationship with a father figure and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of people do it, and I sometimes do it as well with particular people.

It is highly unlikely that you will become your parents. You're your own person, and you will most likely become the opposite of your parents because you won't want anyone to feel the same way that you have. Something I have learned regarding people that abuse children is that they have to have both the illness and the negative personality that makes them want to harm other people. There are people that have abusive tendencies and dislike themselves for it, and then there are people who have those tendencies and get pleasure out of it. You're right in that research does show that survivors of abuse are more likely to get into abusive relationships and that sort of thing, but it isn't like that for everyone. Try not to rely too heavily on research because it is thought that research of abuse in general is off. The reason for this is that a lot of abuse goes unreported.

Like Holly said, I suggest creating a back up plan just so you have an idea of what you can do if your plans from the summer get disrupted.

I'm here if you need anything.


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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 10th 2015, 07:20 PM

Hey There,

You do not sound like a sociopath at all. In fact, you sound far from it and more like a caring person that wants to grow, do as best as you can at achieving your goals and move on from your past.
I can relate to all of the feelings/experiences you have because I was abused as well. Counseling has definitely been beneficial to me in so many ways.
First of all, the counseling environment is a place you can talk about any memories, frustrations, express any anger or guilt and shame without judgment and with someone that will do their best to understand you. The counselor can also help you learn to think differently and in ways that you will be able to use long-term to encourage yourself and remind yourself that you are not what the abuse you experienced and it does not have to define your life.
Lastly, I really believe that you should talk to an adult about staying at your friends for the summer. Do to your age, their may be laws preventing you from leaving your parents.
Hopefully this reply helps and write back for more advice or support if you would like.
Take care.


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Last edited by Philomath; April 10th 2015 at 08:03 PM. Reason: I moved the thread to this forum because I believe the thread better fits in this forum.
   
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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 10th 2015, 11:13 PM

Don't have much to say besides echo what the previous users have said. But remember we're here for you on TH and we see things differently. It sucks to believe lies about yourself, to be convinced that you're a bad person. Because you're absolutely not but that's just the messages you're getting from your environment.
See if you can live with a friend or family member like an aunt or uncle or grandparents.
Take care
   
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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 11th 2015, 01:20 AM

You are aware of what is a healthy relationship, correct? So, if you ever find yourself with someone who is abusive you can walk away. I've had a lot of fear about entering into relationships because of what 'statistics' say. I've been worried I would get with someone who would abuse me or something like that. I talked to my therapist about it a lot and she says the fact that I am aware of this and know what signs to look for is good. I don't have to continue being a victim because I am an adult now and can walk away. You can too. Just because there are statistics about people who have been abused doesn't mean you are going to fall into that category.

I know the idea of having kids is scary as well. When you have an unhealthy home life it can make the idea of producing kids scary. But, you don't have to turn out like your parents. You don't want to be like them so you can turn a different way.


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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 15th 2015, 11:18 AM

I'm very sorry you have been through so much and I'm glad you will be staying with your friend soon in order to get away from your home situation.

I don't believe you are a sociopath at all. Sometimes when we have endured so much pain, it's easy for our feelings to become clouded or "clogged," making it difficult to recognize the things we feel. And I would say the fact that you aware of not wishing to be in an abusive relationship as well as not wanting to become an abuser yourself greatly reduces the chance of either of these things happening. As for your paranoia, that is likely rooted in everything you have been through as well and I'm sure will lessen after some time in a better living environment.

If possible, is there another friend or family member you can stay with until the summer? If not, perhaps there is public housing of some sort (a shelter, etc.) that you can go to until you are able to live with your friend's family. I realize that doesn't sound ideal, but perhaps it is a better alternative for the time being.

In any event, I wish good things for you in the future. All the best.

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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 17th 2015, 05:02 AM

Thank you so much for this. I really hope you're right, I do want to have kids someday.

My mother is also verbally abusive, I don't say much about her because her abuse is a lot harder to tag down. She very rarely calls me names or such, but she manipulates my thinking, or the situation, so that I'm in the wrong, and my stepfather is in the right. She never tries to protect me from his anger, and often uses her physical disability to make me feel guilty when I ask for help. I have a lot of siblings, and my mother's disability makes it hard for her to do some things, but a lot of the time, she's on the computer and doesn't even say anything when my siblings are fighting, leaving me to handle it. If I say anything to her, she snaps about how she's working. While she was on FaceBook.

I apologize if that just sounds like a rant, I don't really talk about her abuse that often...
   
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Re: I'm being abused... I'm scared... - April 17th 2015, 06:13 AM

There is no need to apologize. That is what the site is for: for people to help each other and for everyone to feel comfortable having a place to express themselves.

Truthfully, I have a lot of issues with my own parents and can somewhat relate to what you have said. It's a very diffcult circumstance to live with, but I think you are handling things very well, especially for someone so young. Best wishes.
   
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