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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Angry I just really... just... wow. - July 31st 2015, 07:27 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, this is going to be long.

Up until I was almost 8, I lived with my mom, my half-brother (we have the same mom), and myself. My dad lived somewhere else because he and my mom had divorced before I was born. Well, when I lived with my mom, my sister was never mentioned, she never visited. I didn't know why she left when I was 3, and neither did my mom. We just knew she went to live with her dad.

Last week, she messaged me on Facebook. She informs me that the reason she moved away from me and my mom and my brother was that she was living with her father. Then she tells me the reason why: her brother was abusing her for a year before she left. She told me that she never told anybody that he was abusive, she just said she wanted to live with her father. I decided to tell her that her brother abused me too. She says, "Yeah, I was afraid it would happen." She left because her brother was raping her. So she left in the middle of the night with only a note on her dresser telling my mom she was going to her dad's. Her brother then started to rape me until I moved to MY dad's.

I understand not reporting it, I never did either. I understand that the rape was too much to deal with and so she had to get away. What I don't understand is, how do you leave your little sister in that situation? And I was her little sister. It never mattered to her (according to her) that we had a different father. So she left, and let me be hurt instead. I mean, if you won't tell the cops, okay. But maybe tell our mom, so she can know what the hell is going on. And if you can't do that, which is very understandable, then anonymously call a hotline and say you suspect abuse, to protect your damn sister. Then somebody comes out, investigates, and rescues your sister, and you don't have to let anyone know what you went through. Like, a few years ago, I was sleeping over at one of my little stepcousin's houses, and I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't in her bed. So I got out of bed and heard her crying. I kept listening then I looked into her dad's room and her father was molesting her. I anonymously called Social Services and her father was arrested. So I know what it's like to have to protect somebody without letting anybody know who called. I did it without thinking twice because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had let that go on. So how did my sister manage to do it?

I just don't understand how you can leave your little sister in a situation where she gets raped every night, you suspect it will happen, and you don't do anything about it. Like, was she so jealous that it wasn't happening to me that she LET it happen to me? I'm just so shocked that she could let that happen. I lived my whole life thinking she didn't know what was going to happen when she left. Now that I know differently, I can't help but be very hurt by her actions, or should I say inaction. I know it would be wrong to be angry at her, but seriously. If I was her, I would have found a way to protect my sister. I don't know, maybe she was desensitized by her experiences. But honestly, just.... wow. I really wish she had had never told me that. I had come to terms with what happened, thinking my sister just didn't like our mom or something. I would have never guessed that she suspected she was putting me in danger and didn't do anything about it. Now that I know THAT, it took the eight years it took me to accept what happened , and threw it all away. My friend, whom I told about what happened to me a little less than six months ago, I told her what my sister told me. Her only suggestion is "Just start back over, learn to forgive your sister like you have forgiven everybody else who's done you wrong." Somehow, I don't think it's going to be so easy.



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Re: I just really... just... wow. - July 31st 2015, 10:04 PM

My father abused me and now has another daughter with a different mom. I have always suspected he would do the same to her but I have never done anything about it. It's not my place. Everyone knows he molested me. He started dating his wife when she was fourteen so that is a hint. but if the grandparents and everything didn't see it then it's not my place. She can always come to me and tell me if she wants then I'll do something but until then it's not really my place.

I understand your upset and angry and I would be too. But honestly she didn't KNOW for sure it would happen and she didn't want to tell anybody and in order for you to get away from it she would have had to tell and go through court and all of that. You can be mad at her but just take into consideration her placein all this too.




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Re: I just really... just... wow. - August 1st 2015, 03:44 PM

Hey there,

Firstly, I want to say that you have every right to be mad. There was someone that could have protected you from the abuse and didn't. But, I do think a lot of things come into play with stuff like this. When you are an abused person it seems like the worst thing possible is for people to find out about it. I was abused for numerous years and while I did block it for a good majority of my life coming out and telling people was devastating. The fact is that they looked at me differently. They had sympathy for me and they felt bad. This was a terrible thing for me to experience because I hate people feeling bad for me.

I think that in your sisters case the abuse must have been really fresh and she might have thought the best thing she could do was walk away. I am sure there was a part of her that thought you might be being abused but she was probably never certain. Also, there might have been a part of her that held on to the false hope that maybe you weren't being abused. People have interesting rationale when they are dealing with things like that.

I've been told numerous times that it's likely my abuser abused more children. I can't help but feel bad because I didn't remember and because when I finally came out about it there was nothing the police could do. I worry about if there were any other kids that got abused because of my inaction. I am sure your sister has these same feelings and might even feel guilty about it.

Have you ever considered writing your sister a note and telling her how you feel? Don't yell at her or call her names but just state that right now you are angry with her for not protecting you and you will try to forgive her but you don't think it will be easy. Letting her know how you feel, whether or not you get a response, might help you to deal with the pain you are feeling and get to a better place.

I hope that this helped and if you want to message me please feel free to do so.


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Re: I just really... just... wow. - August 2nd 2015, 03:43 PM

As BB noted, it is perfectly understandable for you to be upset and not understanding why your sister did not take steps to protect you. Truthfully, I don't have the answer - even though I can understand why she felt the need to leave - and I can see how forgiving her would not come easily.

I'm not sure how close of a relationship you desire with your sister, but I think coming straight out and telling her how you feel would be a good idea - even if only because you deserve an answer.

With all of that said, I commend you for stepping in how you did in your cousin's situation. Ending that abuse is something you should be applauded for. Best wishes to you.
   
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