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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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LittleLady Offline
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Trying to make sense of what happened - October 2nd 2015, 10:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

First, a little background: I am a lesbian in my first long-term relationship with a trans girl. We've been dating for almost a year and living together for 6 months. Our sex life has always been complicated since she has a penis and I am strictly into vagina, but we've managed to make things work. About 4 months into the relationship, we started having intercourse. We used condoms as our method of birth control, but we bought a really shitty brand once, they slipped off, and I wound up pregnant. I got an abortion because that was the only way I could feel okay in my body. (If you have a problem with that, I don't want to hear it. I made the decision that was right for my body and I've never once regretted it.) The abortion was back in April, so everything is back to normal, it's just important for background info.

Since the pregnancy, we've been religious about condom use and having a barrier is the ONLY reason I'm comfortable having her inside me. Her penis makes me uncomfortable, but I'd gotten past that so we could make love. However, a few days ago, my girlfriend told me that she'd gone inside me without a condom recently. (She didn't come inside me, thank god.) She's never done anything like this before, and she is REALLY torn up with guilt now. She's been very supportive in encouraging me to talk about my feelings even when I say all the hurt and hateful things I'm thinking. She's also said that she'll give me as much space as I need, and she's followed through with it.

Right now, we're taking a break from the sensual and sexual sides of our relationship, but we're staying friends and roommates. We still snuggle and share a bed and hang out together, but I drew the line at kissing and of course everything beyond it. I don't think we're ever going to have PIV sex again even if our relationship becomes sexual again.

I just am so hurt and violated and I don't know what to think. She obviously loves me so much and is telling me how she wants to be a better person, but how could someone who loves me hurt me in this way? I keep asking her why, but she doesn't know. She just said she had been having a rough time and wanted to feel closer to me. But I feel a bit like I was raped and I don't know if I'll ever trust her again. The idea of that..........thing inside me makes me shudder. I am a lesbian and I NEVER wanted to have a penis inside me. When it's covered with a condom, I could go there because I wanted the intimacy and closeness, but without a barrier, it's a gross penis and I don't want it anywhere near me. My body feels like it was taken and used without my consent and now I have the same sense of violation and loss of bodily autonomy that I had when I was pregnant. I just can't understand how the person I love most in the world could have done this to me.

I don't really know what advice I'm asking for here. I've decided to give her a second chance as my friend, and I don't want anyone trying to tell me that I shouldn't be living with her--if I didn't feel safe in my living arrangements, I'd be trying to find somewhere else to live. I know she's not a danger to me, but being around her hurts sometimes. A part of me wants to punish her for what she did to me (and I've definitely said some harsh things), and another part just wishes we could be as close as we used to be. I just don't know what I feel anymore.

Was I raped? I know it was a violation of my body, but I don't feel like a rape victim. I just don't know what to think or feel anymore. Any words of advice would be appreciated.
   
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Re: Trying to make sense of what happened - October 3rd 2015, 12:29 AM

You were definitely violated. You did not give her your permission to enter you without a condom. You had a strict agreement about condoms and she chose to ignore that. You might have consented to sex with her but you did not consent to sex without a condom. I am going to be honest and say I am not 100% sure what this would be classified as but it was definitely a violation.

I would suggest that you look into taking a pregnancy test just to be safe. I know she told you that she didn't finish inside of you but I would say that it is better safe then sorry, you know?

I would be very wary of her for a while. She violated you and there are no guarantees that she won't try to do it again. I know you say you feel safe and I am happy you can say that but please be careful.

While I completely understand wanting to be more physically close to your partner there is no excuse for doing something without their consent. I want to be more physically close to my boyfriend but I would never do anything that I knew he was 100% against.

I am not sure if this was that helpful but if you need anything please feel free to message me.


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Re: Trying to make sense of what happened - October 4th 2015, 08:20 AM

Thanks for your reply. On your advice, I got a couple pregnancy tests and they were both negative. Phew. But beyond that, I'm taking things one day at a time and so far she's been nothing but respectful. We have a strong friendship that exists even without the physical stuff.
   
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Re: Trying to make sense of what happened - October 4th 2015, 02:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleLady View Post
I keep asking her why, but she doesn't know.
Not in reference to violation, but in reference to my partner emotionally hurting me (so feel free to discard this entirely if you wish, I just thought I'd mention it), this is something that really bugged me. I repeatedly asked my partner why he'd done what he did, why had he hurt me like that, what was the thought process, and he couldn't tell me. I also felt like you did: wanting to punish him, randomly hurting when he was around me.

What I've learnt is that there are no guidelines on how to handle things like this...she violated you and as a result really upset you. I think what's important is that she knows that: putting aside what happened, she really hurt you. Whether you were raped or not, that's up to you. Classify it as YOU want because it's YOUR body.

Yes people make mistakes. But it's up to you how you feel about what she did, and what you do. I'm not saying you are, or that you will be, but don't feel like you "should" feel like x or "should" be doing y. If you want to live with her, live with her. If you feel comfortable snuggling/kissing, do it. It's up to you whatever happens, I'd just recommend you take things slowly. Maybe discuss things she could do around you to help you feel more comfortable?

Sorry if this was just a meaningless ramble :')



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