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angelicthoughts Offline
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Question My friend's dad is/was abusive? - October 27th 2015, 03:37 PM

Hello this is my first time posting to this forum.
A good friend of mine recently opened up to me about how her dad has physically and mentally abused her, he also attempted to rape her twice. She told me as means of an attempt to feel more comfortable talking about it (recommended by her counsellor). The police have gotten involved.
However, her dad still lives with her and surveillance cameras have been placed in her house to watch in case her dad tries anything again. If it happens then she can move out with her mother into different accomodation. I don't think he's touched her in a couple months or so? I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can. She talks about him pretty casually as a normal father with the exception of some of the arguing.
I don't know how serious the whole ordeal was but she said it had made her incredibly depressed at the time.

She stayed overnight at my house a little while ago, and she's now asked me to stay/come to her house. I've already put it off once and made other plans. I trust her and everything, I really do like her as a friend and I'm sure it'd be fun.
However I know her dad is going to be there and of course the cameras in the house, I can't help but feel kind of uncomfortable. I'm sure it'd be fine but it's not a situation I've ever been in and the idea of it just makes me feel vulnerable and uneasy?
I don't want to tell my friend that I don't want to go to her house because of this as I don't want to upset her or bring up bad memories. Although, I don't want to/can't keep lying to her either.

Any suggestions as of what to do?
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Re: My friend's dad is/was abusive? - October 27th 2015, 07:48 PM

Hey there,

I think it's great you are trying to be as supportive as you can for your friend through such a difficult time. I can understand why you would feel uneasy about staying over at her house. I would definitely be concerned. The best thing you can do is be honest, eventually she is going to realise you're putting off going to stay. I would just explain that you would feel uncomfortable being around her dad after all she has told you and you're not comfortable with being around the cameras in the house. Be honest because chances are she's more likely to understand if you just be open with her.


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Re: My friend's dad is/was abusive? - October 27th 2015, 08:17 PM

Paige is right. Obviously you're in a challenging situation, but if you keep putting your friend off, she's going to notice that you only want to spend time with her on your "turf" or in a neutral place, and she's going to wonder why. It is better that she hears it from you in an honest way and that you don't let her mind wander as to all the reasons that you're putting her off. You can say it in a way that won't hurt her feelings; if you let her know that you want to continue supporting her, that you value your friendship with her but that your not comfortable staying at her house knowing that her dad has abused her and that the camera's are there. It's not unreasonable for you to not want to be around a known abusive person, even if he's since stopped that kind of behaviour.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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