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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Unhappy My friend needs help. - November 7th 2015, 04:17 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, about 8 months ago, my friend, who is only thirteen "dated" a freshmen. Now he's a sophmore but anyway. He manipulated her, and said that if she left him he would kill himself and stuff. So she stayed.

One day, I don't know the exact scenario, he pinned her against a tree and...assaulted her. And then she left him soon after, but at first she stayed with him out of fear.

She was starting to get over all this and moving on, but she refused to tell her parents and report it. And at first, I was completely fine with her decision. It's her choice when and if she wants to report it.

But now, he started getting in contact again. He threatened her at a swim practice and started threatening her over text, and retelling what he did to her and just being a monster. She won't block him because she wants to stay informed and all, but I think she might be in danger.

She started self harming again, I want to tell someone, her parents, my parents, what happened because its so hard to keep secret. And it's hurting her, and only making things worse, I just really don't know what to do. She refuses to tell anyone and now the situation is escalating again. I also am afraid that he might come after me because I know about it.

I just want her to be happy. And this is causing her so much pain. She's 13. She doesn't deserve this. She thinks its her fault. She thinks that its her fault that he did that, and I am just so stressed out. I don't know how to help her.

But that guy, is getting in contact with her again and threatening her, she's in danger. Should, I tell someone?
   
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Re: My friend needs help. - November 7th 2015, 05:47 PM

Hey,

It's not her fault. It is never the survivor's fault. Normally, I'd suggest allowing her to decide to tell someone when she is ready. However, since she's in danger, I do think you should tell someone about this. Tell your parents, her parents, a counselor, teacher, or coach. What exactly you tell them is up to you. However, if you're vague, there is a chance you can remain anonymous and she won't find out you said anything. In order for her to get help, though, you'll probably have to tell someone everything you can. Your friend might be a little upset with you, but remember you're doing this with her best interest in mind.

In the meantime, I suggest supporting her in any way you can.


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Re: My friend needs help. - November 7th 2015, 06:00 PM

Hello there,

I'm sorry to hear about this terrible situation your friend is going through. It sounds very much so that this guy doesn't have good intentions towards your friend. Since he assaulted her while pinning her against a tree, that should've been reported to the authorities immediately. Whether your friend believes it or not, she has to tell her parents about this. It would only be more worse to hide this, and there's a likely possibility that her parents will find out about this. You can't promise your friend any secrets. This sounds like she is in possible danger of her life, and you will want to tell someone about this.

As for this guy, he sounds like a control freak that likes controlling people and having power over them. Here's a crucial tip to keep in mind for future reference: if you don't want a particular someone pursuing you, DON'T give any kind of contact whatsoever. If you tell the guy that you're not interested one time, this translates to NO, and NO means NO. Be direct, firm and to the point when you say this. Any sensible person will understand this, but if the guy doesn't take no for an answer, ignore him. If he has your phone number and blows up your phone with a ton of text messages, don't reply back to him. If he calls you a million times on the phone, don't answer it, even if it is just to tell him to leave you alone. If you answer even just one text or phone call from him just to tell him to leave you alone, he'll get the impression that "Oh, so it takes this many phone calls/texts to get you to answer." This will also cause him to repeat the same pattern again, and this is something that you don't want. Explain to your friend about this advice I have mentioned.

Tell your friend not to initiate any kind of contact with him. He poses a danger to her, and she needs to be away from him. Make sure you notify someone because if you keep this a secret, and if something bad happens to her, you're going to feel an intense feeling of remorse. I'm sure that you don't want to experience that feeling. It's not to late to inform the authorities. Convince your friend to do so, and let her know that nothing bad will happen to her if she reports what happened. However, do not get a restraining order against him because a piece of paper is not going to make him stop what he's doing. As I mentioned earlier, don't let your friend initiate any kind of contact with him, and let your friend go to places where he can't find her.

Despite all this trouble that you are experiencing, I wish you the very best that the situation with your friend will improve. Remind your friend that it's not her fault that this is happening to her, and let her know that you are there for her in this time of crisis. Don't let fear stop you from doing what is right, and do the right thing while you still can before it is too late. Take everything I have mentioned into consideration. You and your friend take care of yourselves, and may you two stay safe.

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Re: My friend needs help. - November 8th 2015, 12:14 AM

I agree with Calico. Normally, I would say it is your friends choice to report this sort of thing to whom ever she pleases. I mean, she should have reported the assault, but she didn't and it doesn't sound like she plans to and ordinarily you shouldn't impede on that desire.

That said, if she's in danger as you said, someone needs to know and you need to tell them. She might not even be aware of how dangerous abusive men are, even if this guy is "only" 15 (or however old sophomores are where you live -16 maybe?), if he is controlling and abusive then there's no telling where he'll stop.

I've had my own experiences with abusive people and saying "no" or telling them to stop isn't usually good enough, you have to get away from them. Sometimes that's enough, but in this case I guess it isn't. When they begin threatening you (or your friend in this case), then it really needs to be reported.

She might not understand now, she might be angry. The best advice I was ever given was that if your friend is in danger, then you have to tell someone who can help them, and even if they're mad at you, they'll realize you had their best interests in mind and will forgive you later.




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Re: My friend needs help. - November 8th 2015, 06:53 AM

Hey,

I think you should watch the situation and if you think that it is getting out of hand then report it. Her personal safety is the most important factor here so you need to do what is right for her.

Take care


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