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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jessica_J Offline
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Unhappy Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 9th 2015, 12:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was raped when I was fifteen. I freaking hate saying those three words but I have to. I kept it secret for such a long time because I was scared. My attackers had theatened my baby sister, who was seven at the time. Fast foward two years -> I was hospitalized for self-harm and depression. Whilst in the hospital, I finally told. Now, it's like this freaking balancing act. If I keep it secret, then I'm told I can't keep bottling it up inside, but when people find out, they always look at me differently, like I'm somehow less that I was before. I even lost a friend because I told. I'm just so damn tired of always being looked at differently. My mom keeps saying that i need to stop being a victim and start being a survivor, but how can I when nobody sees me the same as I was before? I just want to be equal, but every time someone finds out, I'm suddenly different to them. I hate it. I just wish I'd never told anyone what they did.
   
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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 9th 2015, 07:04 PM

Hey there Although it may seem like a terrible idea to have said that you were raped, it will probably do you good to have gotten it off your chest, and in the long run you will be thankful that you took this decision.
My thoughts are that if a friend turns against you when they learnt that you went through something terrible (such as rape), they are a horrible friend and it's a good thing that you found out that they were sooner than later. These people are not worth knowing.
And, of course you're going to be looked at differently at the begining... just imagine if someone who you knew well and always seemed happy or at least content with life suddenly told you that they had been severely depressed in the past... after hearing that information, you'll probably be shocked to know that someone who seems totally fine has had this past. But as time progresses, things will go back to normal and soon the awkwardness will be over.

Remember, this situation will get better

Skye


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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 9th 2015, 08:05 PM

Hi there,

I know saying those three words can be very hard but I'm really proud of you for saying them. Saying them is important because acknowledging your experience and getting it out is part of healing. The people who have told you that bottling up your feelings is unhealthy are right and I hope you continue to release your feelings, whether that's through journaling, blogging, or by talking to someone who doesn't look at you differently.

People form opinions about everything whether they're warranted or not. I want you to ask yourself what you think of your experience. How does it make you feel? Maybe you feel ashamed but you still see yourself as a survivor. If you do actually feel ashamed, remember the shame does not belong to you. The only person who should be ashamed is the person that did this to you. Definitely think about your thoughts and your feelings in regards to what you went through. And, if someone looks at you differently, feel free to tell them you don't want to be looked at differently because you're a survivor.

You're the same amazing person you were before being raped. If people can't see that and they want to look at you differently then they aren't worth your time. Hopefully you'll be able to find supportive people who look at you in the same way. Also, remember your story is your own to tell. This is your story. Who you tell and what you tell is completely up to you. I know some people have struggled because the people around them tell their story when they are not ready, and I hope no one is doing that to you.

Feel free to message me if you need anything.


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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 9th 2015, 09:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Hi there,

I know saying those three words can be very hard but I'm really proud of you for saying them. Saying them is important because acknowledging your experience and getting it out is part of healing. The people who have told you that bottling up your feelings is unhealthy are right and I hope you continue to release your feelings, whether that's through journaling, blogging, or by talking to someone who doesn't look at you differently.

People form opinions about everything whether they're warranted or not. I want you to ask yourself what you think of your experience. How does it make you feel? Maybe you feel ashamed but you still see yourself as a survivor. If you do actually feel ashamed, remember the shame does not belong to you. The only person who should be ashamed is the person that did this to you. Definitely think about your thoughts and your feelings in regards to what you went through. And, if someone looks at you differently, feel free to tell them you don't want to be looked at differently because you're a survivor.

You're the same amazing person you were before being raped. If people can't see that and they want to look at you differently then they aren't worth your time. Hopefully you'll be able to find supportive people who look at you in the same way. Also, remember your story is your own to tell. This is your story. Who you tell and what you tell is completely up to you. I know some people have struggled because the people around them tell their story when they are not ready, and I hope no one is doing that to you.

Feel free to message me if you need anything.

It's just tiring. I'm so ashamed that I let this happen to me, that I wasn't strong enough to stop it. It runs over and over in my mind sometimes and I can't even deal. I hate that I have a need for a PTSD service dog. It's like I'm fighting a losing battle. Where I come from, status is everything. I didn't even have the choice to fight for justice, because not only was my baby sister threatened, but also, like I said, where I come from, status is everything. So, even iff I'd had the guts to call the police, nothing would've happened. I'd still be the family slut and the slut of that town. I can't go near that town, because apparently, fcking three guys at once (whether you want to or not) makes you a slut. I don't know if that's just in this back-arse-wards county or everywhere, but even now, two years after leaving that part of the county, I still get recognized as either the slut, or the crazy chick because I sent three weeks in a psychiatric facility. Sometimes all I want to do is scream because it hurts so bad. Or I want to call up one of my nonexistant friends (or message one of my online friends) and just rant and rave and scream and cry because it feels like I'm gonna explode from the pain.
   
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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 11th 2015, 06:27 PM

Being ashamed is not the answer. This is NOT your fault!!!

I feel your Mom is not understanding you and I think you should be proud for reaching us for help. I always listen and I understand that this will be extremely hard for you so I am happy yo help you.

I hope that you are ok and I know that you can get over this

How can I help you to feel better?


David Armes

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keep positive
   
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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 12th 2015, 04:12 AM

You're right; it is very exhausting. What you went through was so horrible and I know the feeling. It feels like the abuse itself was enough but now you have to relive it all the time. You didn't let anything happen to you. It's not your fault and it will never be your fault. Someone took advantage of you but not being able to stop it doesn't make it your fault. There is the fight or flight response, but plenty of people don't have that. It is not always safe to leave or fight the abusers. In that case, people tend to freeze or dissociate from being traumatized. I know it is hard to believe, but try to remind yourself that it is not your fault. The shame can be very difficult, but the shame belongs to the people who harmed you.

You're not a slut, either. Being forced into something you didn't consent to doesn't make you a slut. And even if you did consent, you still wouldn't be a slut. I don't like that word and I don't believe in it. The word "slut" shouldn't be an acceptable term in our language. But it is to some people, unfortunately.

You're not crazy for getting help for what you went through, either. Working in counseling, especially on abuse, is very draining and difficult. Getting help is courageous and it's a shame that people don't see it that way. They just see the stigma, they get on the bandwagon with everyone else, probably because they're uneducated.

If you ever want someone to talk to, or rant to, you are more than welcome to send me a message. I won't look at you differently. Don't keep it inside. I know it can be difficult to talk to someone you don't know, but it can also be freeing, because talking to people you know well can be difficult.


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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 14th 2015, 11:56 AM

Hey Jessie,

I can understand why you don't like telling people. Have you thought about joining a support group or something? Somewhere where people have gone through similar experiences to yourself. It may help you to open up about what happened and it may help you to feel like people aren't looking at you like you're a victim. It's hard not to let experiences like this define you. You are strong and you are a survivor! You don't have to let this define you.

Paige


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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - November 24th 2015, 12:10 PM

Have you tried to close this chapter of your life? It may sound abrupt and I understand you need time to heal to move on. It will be a process to have closure but ultimately, I guess this is what you are looking for.

I have held history about myself for several years and never told anyone, to the point it became too unbearable, but I had to and need to move on and let go. I learned that we can let go and move on, but we need to forgive. Forgive what has happened, forgive others, the attackers, more importantly forgive yourself and not blame yourself for what happened or see yourself differently.

In order to reconcile with the past, I had to do this exercise of setting up myself a quiet time in a quiet room where I have all the time and space to myself. Painful as it was, I released all my pent up anger, hurt, grief, frustrations, unhappiness and guilt in me. Just let all of them come and go as much as you need to.

It took several sessions but each time the pain becomes lesser to the point I decided to accept it as an event in my life which I cannot erase but it is detached from me as well. The thought comes up at times, but it doesn't affect me emotions any more.

I guess what your mum is trying to say is to move on and not let it hinder you from living your life. You are a strong person and you still have a bright road ahead with so much more opportunities to develop yourself. You can do it. During this time, remember to show yourself all the love, care and patience you need.

Another thing is, if you are not comfortable telling people or share, it's fine too. You have the rights to your privacy. What's important is to protect yourself. Only when you are comfortable.

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Re: Tired of Being Looked At Different - December 3rd 2015, 11:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica_J View Post
I was raped when I was fifteen. I freaking hate saying those three words but I have to. I kept it secret for such a long time because I was scared. My attackers had theatened my baby sister, who was seven at the time. Fast foward two years -> I was hospitalized for self-harm and depression. Whilst in the hospital, I finally told. Now, it's like this freaking balancing act. If I keep it secret, then I'm told I can't keep bottling it up inside, but when people find out, they always look at me differently, like I'm somehow less that I was before. I even lost a friend because I told. I'm just so damn tired of always being looked at differently. My mom keeps saying that i need to stop being a victim and start being a survivor, but how can I when nobody sees me the same as I was before? I just want to be equal, but every time someone finds out, I'm suddenly different to them. I hate it. I just wish I'd never told anyone what they did.
Hi there, Jessie!!!

You are so so so brave for telling us about this. You were no less amazing then you are now. Your evenmore amazing then before!!!
   
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