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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
eckky Offline
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Am I evil - December 20th 2015, 01:08 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I keep a having panic attack after panic attack and I can't shaking this feeling of guilt. When I was younger around 11 I did something really really wrong. Which is the reason for my guilt and anxiety. When I was 11 I asked my little sister to have sex.. I never knew it was really wrong because this boy used to ask me and have sex with me so I thought it was ok. Well it wasn't really sex we just kinda rubbed our body's together and acted like it was sex and she said yes at first I felt wrong but after a few weeks it's felt normal and like a thing to show our friendship. So with my sister I asked to do the same with her. The same feelings popped into my head at first it was like "what's going on?". So we stopped and I went to bed. The next day my sister came to me and asked to do it again. I said ok... So we did...
That dAy passed then Then a few days later out of nowhere she asked again but she asked to play "mum and dads" so we did... A few days went by then we stopped then a few days later my sister told my mum that we rubbed together. I she started to shout and threaten to get the police if I did so I lied and said no we never... She shouted for a few days understandabley then it sarted to die down so nothing more was said. Five years later I started getting these anxiety attacks and images and voices in my head saying I'm a sick fuck for what I did and I should die. It got worse every night until one night I broke and ran upstairs and broke down to my my. Saying it was my fault and that I did rub up against her. She told me to go back to bed and that she'll talk to me tomorrow about it.
The next day I went into the living room and she sat me down and got me into big trouble and told me to apologise to my sister I begged for her forgiveness I kept saying I'm so sorry it wasn't your fault it's mine I should have know over and over but I just have this feeling I broke her.. She's my sister and I love her if do anything to protect her safe to say I get over protective yea we fight but I still protect her I still suffer so much for what I did and I should but I just wish it would stop I've suffered for 4 years now and it's drove me to attempt suicide twice because I panic that I've broke her and I will go to jail everyone keeps saying I won't go to jail as I was a kid but i still did something really bad.. I just want someone to talk to me about it and help to calm me down.. Haven't I suffered enough for the biggest mistake in my life even writing this I want to cry I just can't fucking take it anymore I can't keep this anxiety I mean I'm going to be a dad soon and I don't want to be panicky around our baby I just want it to stop I mean everyone makes mistakes don't they? Granted probably not that many people do this bad but I fucked up and now I'm going to pay for the rest of my life. I want to move to Canada with my kid and partner but I'm scared something will happen . If I lose them I might as well just kill myself I don't want to talk to it about her just Incase u rub salt in the wound so to speak I mean if she brought it up then yes I would talk but I can't bring it up
Am I just being stupid and over reacting so to speak about this? Or should I suffer for this?
   
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Re: Am I evil - December 20th 2015, 01:38 AM

You said you asked your sister if she wanted to do things with you because that is what you knew since someone had been asking you the same thing. It is not talked about much but a lot of children will do sexual things with other children. Sometimes it's from abuse, but sometimes it isn't. You were only eleven years old and I don't think many eleven year old children have an understanding of sex. You were still a child yourself and you didn't know. You didn't ask her with bad intentions or anything like that. You were asking what you knew. Now, if you were older and knew more about sex and knew what you were doing, it would be different.

This seems have a large impact on you and you don't deserve to suffer for this. You don't deserve to constantly beat yourself up for it. I think counseling can help a lot if that's an option for you.


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Re: Am I evil - December 20th 2015, 02:09 AM

There's been a lot of times I've wanted to talk to someone about this but every time thoughts like "they'll tell the police and you'll go to jail" come in my head and stops me from trying. And I didn't know it was bad I just thought at the time it was a way to show people how you show you like them now obviously I know that it's not the case and am disgusted at myself I can see myself in an early grave because this because I don't want her to hate me I mean it seems although she has forgotten but for a while she's been acting really bad playing up for attention so to speak she is desperate for boys to love her and says to people that she selfharma and tries to kill herself (which we know is wrong because she's never along and doesn't have one mark on her body she has been searched top to bottom) and I just feel like it's my fault
When I first confessed she told my mum what we did and cried which pushed me over the edge and led to my first suicide attempt I can't stop beating myself up for it I mean I was a kid yes but I fucked Up and try to tell myself I deserve the consequences for it but haven't I paid my dues? I've suffered for years I can't take much more in breaking slowly
   
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Re: Am I evil - December 22nd 2015, 03:18 PM

Hey there,

I understand it would take a lot for you to reach out, but you honestly don't deserve to suffer. Believe it or not, child on child abuse is actually quite common, but not talked about. I don't know what would happen if you did tell someone about what you did to your sister. I very much doubt you would go to jail though, because of all the complicated factors involved in child on child abuse. How about you start by trying to get help for the abuse that was done to you? You deserve help for that, at the very least.

You are not a bad person. What you did was bad, yes, but at the time, you didn't know. Let's put it this way, you wouldn't have done it, if you hadn't been abused, would you? And you wouldn't have done it if you had realised at the time that is was harmful, would you? This shows you are not a bad person. Abusers often show disregard to their victims- they'll be in denial about it, blame the victim etc. But you aren't like them at all.

I've been in a similar situation, and whilst I can't speak for your sister, if she does remember what happened, then you'll have the chance to be honest with her. It's natural for her to feel angry, hurt and confused, but let's remember that it was your abusers who started all of this. If you were honest with her if she does remember, then over time, she will be able to accept what happened and realise that you wouldn't have done it unless you had been abused yourself. As for her behaviour, it may be a mixture of things making her act out, so not entirely your fault.

I'm sorry that you and your sister are going through this. That's what makes child on child abuse different from the other types of abuse. The child doing the abuse is caught up with feeling guilty about what they did, but also the pain of their own abuse. It's natural for your mum to be upset. But it's not because you are bad. She may feel upset that she didn't notice or couldn't protect you and your sister. If you can, try approaching her about getting counselling. Or you could ask about family counselling as I imagine this has had an impact on you all.


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Re: Am I evil - December 22nd 2015, 05:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf View Post
Hey there,

I understand it would take a lot for you to reach out, but you honestly don't deserve to suffer. Believe it or not, child on child abuse is actually quite common, but not talked about. I don't know what would happen if you did tell someone about what you did to your sister. I very much doubt you would go to jail though, because of all the complicated factors involved in child on child abuse. How about you start by trying to get help for the abuse that was done to you? You deserve help for that, at the very least.

You are not a bad person. What you did was bad, yes, but at the time, you didn't know. Let's put it this way, you wouldn't have done it, if you hadn't been abused, would you? And you wouldn't have done it if you had realised at the time that is was harmful, would you? This shows you are not a bad person. Abusers often show disregard to their victims- they'll be in denial about it, blame the victim etc. But you aren't like them at all.

I've been in a similar situation, and whilst I can't speak for your sister, if she does remember what happened, then you'll have the chance to be honest with her. It's natural for her to feel angry, hurt and confused, but let's remember that it was your abusers who started all of this. If you were honest with her if she does remember, then over time, she will be able to accept what happened and realise that you wouldn't have done it unless you had been abused yourself. As for her behaviour, it may be a mixture of things making her act out, so not entirely your fault.

I'm sorry that you and your sister are going through this. That's what makes child on child abuse different from the other types of abuse. The child doing the abuse is caught up with feeling guilty about what they did, but also the pain of their own abuse. It's natural for your mum to be upset. But it's not because you are bad. She may feel upset that she didn't notice or couldn't protect you and your sister. If you can, try approaching her about getting counselling. Or you could ask about family counselling as I imagine this has had an impact on you all.
That's the thing I want to talk to her but I can't.
After I told my mum she said never to bring it up again or she'll disowen me and call the police and get me arrested and I really don't want to go to jail for a stupid mistake. And I blame myself for hurting her and i feel that it was my fault for what he did to me I mean I was desperate and lonely and had no friends and didn't know it was bad at all I thought I was a way of showing you like someone I only started to realise it was wrong when I was 13/14
And I never knew it was considered abuse.. I really am sorry for what I did and regret it so much it's killing me inside I keep panicking about the past i really wish I could let it go I can't take much more of this
   
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Re: Am I evil - December 22nd 2015, 07:02 PM

I'm sorry to hear you're mum reacted that way. She probably doesn't know how to deal with it, but it still doesn't make you a bad person at all. Are you in education? If you are, you could talk to your school/college counsellor. Or if not, can you got the doctors and ask for a referral for counselling?

I very much doubt you would go to jail. Children (under the age of 16-18) can't consent to sexual behaviour, so even though you did what you did, neither you nor your sister could give consent. Chances are you can't be charged with much.

Whilst the blaming of yourself for what you did is a healthy reaction, at the same time, it doesn't sound like a helpful for one. Taking the blame and accepting responsibility means you should've understood what you did was wrong, WHILST you were doing it. But you didn't know, so you can't fully take the blame, even though it shouldn't have happened. Try placing some of the blame on your abusers and freeing up some guilt.

At the same time, it is in no way your fault what your abuser did to you. You were taken advantage of. The blame lies with your abuser, not you.

I can see from what you have written that you really are sorry. Healing takes time, but I'm sure, by getting some help, you will be able to start to heal. Have you done much reading around child abuse? It can be helpful to read about it and other's people's experiences as it can help to release your emotions and realise that you can't fully take the blame for what happened.


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