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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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acceptance ? - January 8th 2016, 09:47 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Basically i'm like beginning to accept that I was sexually abused.. but the problem is while i'm like actually beginning to accept it... its like at the same time part of me still wants to deney to myself that anything actually happened but i know it did... i know it did. i have like alot of memories of it. but im scared that the more i like begin to talk about what happened and accept it the more i'm going to remember.. im like pretty sure theres more to it and i've like blocked a hell lot of it out... i've like gone to back to thinking about going to the police - just for closure or something like that but then im not like even 100% sure it would give me closure.... and i know if i was to tell the police it would lead to like a big investigation the police would want to like talk to my mum and dad and that would make things worse at home... plus i dont even know if he's still even alive anymore.... and if he is how do they track him down when i didnt like even know his name and just knew him as 'the postman' ....



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Re: acceptance ? - January 9th 2016, 12:40 AM

I know your scared of remembering more. I totally get that. I do not remember anything that happened about my first sexual assault. I think a thing you might want to look into to get closure is EMDR. It might help you remember everything in a safe place and then talk about it and it gives people closure. It's just a suggestion.


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Re: acceptance ? - January 9th 2016, 03:51 PM

Working towards acceptance can be hard. When thinking about or discussing a memory, a lot of people will discuss it and then think things like, "I don't trust this memory" or "I don't know if it actually happened". When you think of a memory or decide you're ready to discuss one, tell yourself things to help you feel validated like, "This happened to me" or "I went through this".

Another thing that might help is making a list of why it happened or things that validate it. One thing you can tell yourself is that you wouldn't be remembering or struggling with this if you weren't abused. Remind yourself that you can't trigger memories or flashbacks of things that did not happen. Keep repeating those things to yourself.

If counseling is an option for you, I think you should look into that. You may or may not remember more when you talk about it. It depends on your experience and whether or not your mind is ready to let you to see those memories. But a counselor will be a safe person and a good source of support.

Acceptance takes a lot of work and self-awareness. It took two years for me to accept my abuse and I still battle it daily but it will improve for you with time.


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Re: acceptance ? - January 9th 2016, 10:10 PM

So its okay to like question why me why not someone else... and such like. not that i'd like wish it on anyone else but i've found myself asking why me like nearly every day ive also found myself wondering what did i have that was so special to him - when i feel like theres nothing special about me.. ive only recently like begun to accept it happened but its sparked off so many questions at the same time



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Re: acceptance ? - January 9th 2016, 10:47 PM

It's perfectly natural to question things like that. I spent a lot of my time trying to come to terms with what happened to me, by being angry at lots of people. Whatever feelings you have, are natural.

Why you? Actually, the answer is less to do with you and more to do with the abuser. In theory, there are 4 conditions for abuse to happen (Finkelhor, 1984). Basically, for abuse to happen there needs to be: motivation from the abuser, lack of inhibitions in the abuser, the abuser needs to get you by yourself, or away from others and the abuser needs to get you to be less resistant in some way.

Unfortunately, it happened to you. But it could've happened to anyone, as the abuser posed a risk to many people, I imagine.

At the same time, you are special, you are unique. And the abuse that you went through, doesn't change that at all.

I know when I first realised what had happened to me, I had so many questions. I spent so much time thinking and looking online. Even my old counsellor recommended a book on sexual abuse, because it was helpful to read other people's stories, and what they struggle with, and how I relate to that. It does take a while to fully accept it, but it will improve over time.


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Re: acceptance ? - January 9th 2016, 10:56 PM

So it could be there were others he did this to but because no one has said everything everyone is like keeping hush about it. and it could be he choose me because i was like going to school by myself and everything and he could get to me alot easier than my sisters as they always got a lift to school but it was easier for mum to send me to school by the schools transport buses and their school was closer than mine. i guess im still like trying to figure alot of it out.



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Re: acceptance ? - January 10th 2016, 11:12 AM

It's possible there may have been others, yes. But the bottom line is that nothing you said or did, or anything about you caused this. The issue is with the abuser, not you.


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