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justme Offline
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help me... i dont know how to react - May 15th 2009, 08:31 PM

This is really hard for me to handle.

So, I’ve basically known my whole life that I was sexually abused. I mean, I didn’t really know it until I knew what it was, but I knew it was very wrong even when I was young. My parents were very protective of me (and still are) so I never even knew what sex, much less abuse, was until I was like, 12 or 13. But all my life I’ve had nightmares. About being sexually abused. For years I was terrified of the male gender. And as much as I embrace sexuality… you know.

And now I know why.

I could never remember any of it until recently. Me and my now ex boyfriend were fooling around and he was fingering me for the first time… god… f*ck, everything crashed back into my mind so fast I could hardly think. I don’t want to talk about it in detail, but lets just say there was more than one man and it happened more than one time. I started shaking and crying and it was horrible…
Well, things just haven’t been the same since. I have nightmares every night and I can f*cking still FEEL everything and SH*T I AM A MESS!!!!!!!! HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO JUST ACCEPT THIS!?!?!!?!??!?!?!!??! Do you just “get over it” after time? Does it go away??? Do I have to do something to make it go away? What?
Ugh. I just feel so repulsive. Me and my x-bf broke up shortly after that happened. I never told him. But he broke up w/ me bc he sensed something was really wrong. Was it my fault??? I miss him…
WHY DO I HAVE TO KNOW!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!! I COULD ACCEPT THE OCCATIONAL NIGHTMARES AND SKITISHNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…this is different.

Help me.
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ForeverAutumn* Offline
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Re: help me... i dont know how to react - May 15th 2009, 09:14 PM

Hey Kat,

Our minds can be wonderful things sometimes. When we've been through a traumatic experience, our minds will block it out to protect us. Sooner or later though, our minds will begin to let the memories being repressed out, and when that happens, we have flashbacks. With me so far?

Remembering past incidents of abuse is always tough, and it's a lot to know how to cope with, and how to handle. However, no matter how hard healing from what's happened may be, know that it is possible. If you reach out to those around you and don't keep quiet about what's happened, the healing process will be much, much easier - I can tell you this much for sure. Something I strongly suggest is counseling - possibly looking for a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse. At first, counseling can be a challenge. It means talking about things you'd rather keep locked up in the back of your mind, and thinking about things that are hard to think about. Counseling is not something that will make everything better over night; it takes time, patience, commitment - and most of all, effort, for things to change, and for coping to become easier.

This is something I think you should also speak with your parents about. Are they aware of what happened? If they're aware, could this be why they're overprotective? It sounds like your parents care about you, quite a bit actually, and that they'd be supportive and would want to help you where they could.

If you care about your ex, think about telling him what's going on. Be honest with him, if you trust him and if you miss him. If he cares about you, and truly cares, he'll be supportive as well. It could be he didn't understand why you were suddenly acting this way, which is why he broke things off.

For the nightmares, something to think about would be speaking with your doctor about sleeping pills - so you can sleep through the night without the nightmares. Nightmares are always hard to cope with, as they can feel so real. Something I suggest is to keep a small stone or other object by your bedside, so when you wake up from a nightmare, you can squeeze or hold onto the object, to ground yourself. Remind yourself when this happens, that what happened was just a dream. It happened in your past - it's not happening in your present, and you're safe.

How do you accept what happened? To be honest, I'm not quite sure of this myself. However, what I do know is that it's not possible to forget until you've forgiven. I believe the only way to move on from what's happened, and the only way to truly heal, is to forgive the person [or people] who have hurt you. Until you can forgive, I don't think it's possible to forget, or to accept.

I want you to know that you're not alone with any of this, all right? I'm here, all of TH is here, anytime you need an ear. My PM box is open if you'd ever like to talk about anything. I know where you're coming from. Take good care of yourself, okay? Hang in there.

how could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?| PM Me
self-harm free since 06.10.11.
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justme Offline
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Re: help me... i dont know how to react - May 16th 2009, 03:33 PM

i can't tell my parents.

it wouldn't do any good. we don't get along as it is. if they knew about my grandpa it wouldn't be good. everyone loves him and he's different now. and if they knew about the neighbor it wouldn't do any good either. he was close to my age during that period of time, just a hell of a lot stronger and healthier.

and honestly, i don't think they'd care. my parents expect me to go to my grandparent's house for a couple days this weekend. god. i can't tell them but they're calling me a selfish prick for not wanting to go. ...am i being selfish? he's different now but it's too much too fast and i'm scared.
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Re: help me... i dont know how to react - May 17th 2009, 03:30 AM

If it has never come to light and he has never gone through any sort of program or gone to jail for it, I doubt he has changed that much. And no you are not selfish, at all, this is important. what if something happens to one of your other relatives or cousins (or has) and you are never selfish for not wanting to see the man who abused you. I cannot even look at the guy who tried to rape me much less talk to him... it's also not your fault. It might help people understand better if you told them, but do not rush into anything you are not ready for. You may want to come to terms with it yourself through counseling before you tell anyone, and try to find someone who will be supportive of you no matter what, I agree that if your ex is supportive, kind and you love and trust him you should tell him.
If they expect you to go to your grand parents house this week, you may need to tell them. However I totally understand not wanting to, we are all here to support you and help you anytime! I know it seems like so much all at once, (and it is) but now that you know gathering a circle of support does make healing much easier.
<3 We are here to help you an will be here for you whenever you need someone, take care of yourself<3
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