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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Hear my whispers in the dark..
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Flashbacks of something that happened a long time ago... - May 16th 2009, 04:02 AM

Lately, I don't know why, but I have been having flashbacks of different things that have happened in the past. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't concentrate during the day. I can't sleep at night.
I'm going to my baby cousin's baptism on Sunday. I was looking forward to it, until my mom randomly made the comment "I wonder if Uncle Ken and Branden will show up". I froze. No one knows what Branden did. Branden is my cousin. We got along really well growing up, he's only a couple of months older than me. We used to play Scooby Doo. I was Daphne and he was the bad guy. We had this thing that we did called the octopus chair. I would sit against him, and he would wrap his arms around my stomach and squeeze, and that was part of our game. We stopped playing Scooby Doo when we were maybe 8 or 9. When we were 13, him and my uncle were over to my house, my uncle was downstairs with my mom, and me and Branden were in my room. Branden started asking me if we could play the octopus chair, for old time's sake. I kept saying no, because he was making me feel uncomfortable and we were too old, but he kept. on. asking. So I finally just said whatever. I regretted it really soon after saying that. It started out like we used to do it, his arms around my stomach. Then he put his hand over my mouth and moved his hands up. I couldn't get away, he was holding me too tightly. I couldn't say anything, his hand was held too tight over my mouth. And all I could hear was him breathing behind me, close to my face.
It may sound really stupid, but I can't get that day out of my mind. There's just something wrong with having your cousin touch you like that. And having him flirt with me every time I've seen him since then. He moved awhile ago, so I haven't seen him for awhile, but it still bothers me. Because I never know what will happen whenever I have to see him again. My family knows that he flirts with me, he's that obvious. But I can never tell anyone what he did to me.
I feel too stupid. I feel too disgusting. I feel like I could have stopped it. But I didn't. I hate myself for this.

He isn't the only one who has done things like this to me.

My ex-boyfriend used to get me really drunk, and no matter if I said that I didn't want to do anything, he would always get me drunk enough to do whatever he wanted. That went on for a long time, and even though I broke up with him, it still haunts me.

More things like this have happened, and I don't know why.

I hate how it makes me feel...
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Re: Flashbacks of something that happened a long time ago... - May 16th 2009, 04:19 AM

Hey Jen.

I think the most important thing here is to not blame yourself. What happened wasn't your fault, it was your cousin's. He is a despicable creep. What he did to you, and continues to do, was so wrong. But there was nothing you could have done to stop it. You said yourself that he held you to tight to get away and had his hand over your mouth so you couldn't scream. There was nothing you could do. That's so horrible, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's going to hurt, something this terrible and traumatic always does. The pain will fade with time though, just try not to be angry or bitter toward yourself. You didn't ask to be in that situation and obviously wouldn't have been if you could have helped it, so don't hate yourself for it, k?

Your ex is, to be blunt, a dick. I'm glad you broke up with him. It's terrible that he felt the need to manipulate you and hurt you like that, but, again, it's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up over this one either. You did the right thing by breaking up with him.

*hug* Hope everything turns out okay. Stay strong!


~Cody

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Re: Flashbacks of something that happened a long time ago... - May 16th 2009, 03:25 PM

Hey,

I know how you feel in ways, my cousin touched me the wrong way as I was growing up though he's five years older than me I still feel like I could have stopped it, although I was so uncomfortable and it happened so fast I probably didn't even have a chance to.

This WAS not your fault at all! It wasn't. Your cousin was very wrong and he has a lot of problems and he needs a lot of help or he could be doing this to other girls. This is a big violation of trust especially because he's family, you should be able to trust family. Having falshbacks of traumatic events is normal but its unfair because you have to relive your past every time you have one. You, and nobody else should have to deal with this.

You don't have to keep this in. Tell someone, I won't tell you to tell your family if you feel like you can't, but tell a therapist.

Its not stupid at ALL! I think the same thing sometimes but we have to remember we can't pick and choose what we remember and when we remember it, and how often. Remembering this tramatic event is not stupid by any means.

I have a bad feeling that you seeing him after all of this would only make things worse and I'm scared he may try and hurt you again. You shouldn't have to be put in this situation. If you can stop it, please do it.

What your ex boyfriend did is extrememly wrong on many levels. He did this on purpose and he didn't seem to care. Its so great you had the courage, many women dont have, to end an abusive relationship.

You are not dirty for what your cousin did. You're not alone in this either. Things will get better for you just stay strong.


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Re: Flashbacks of something that happened a long time ago... - May 18th 2009, 02:13 AM

I just really feel bad, because I keep thinking that I could have stopped it by just saying no. But I gave in. I obviously didn't know that it would get out of hand, and that he would do what he did, but I should have known better. Ya know?
Even though it's debatable on who's to blame, I still can't tell anyone, because it was my COUSIN. That's just so wrong. There's no way I would ever tell my family, and I don't think I could tell my therapist. She would think I was a freak, I know it.

Kind of the same thing with my ex, because I *let* him get me drunk. Once again, I should have known better. But I was 18 when it started, he was 26. So he shouldn't have even be letting me drink. But maybe I led him on. But I know for a fact there were times where I said I didn't want to do anything. But he managed to get me in bed with him every single time we saw each other. He could get really physical with me sometimes too...and the way he would talk to me sometimes was just a little off. He didn't really want me hanging out with anyone, he always said that I should blow them off for him. And if I didn't, he said that I didn't care about him, or he thought that I was cheating on him. He expected me to come over every single night, and answer my phone every single time he called or texted (at least 3 or 4 times a day). He would obsess over when I was supposed to get my period, and if I didn't get it on time, he would get really angry, and make threats, but say he was "just joking" afterwards. Like one time he said that if I didn't get my period on time, I would have an "accidental fall down the stairs" (because that would kill any potential baby). And he always made me promise that I would get an abortion if I ever got pregnant, even though he knew I would want to keep it.

So yeah. I don't know why this is all bothering me so much lately, being that I haven't seen my cousin in a long time, and I've been broken up with my ex since October. But I think since my depression has come back so strongly, it's brought this all back up to the surface...i don't really know though...
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Re: Flashbacks of something that happened a long time ago... - May 18th 2009, 03:46 PM

Jen, it wasn't your fault. you were tricked, forced, manipulated and coerced into these things by both of them. It was in no way whatsoever your fault.

Your cousin took advantage of the trust you had in him as a family member and of your age and innocence. What he did was wrong. If anyone judged you for what you were forced and tricked into doing, that would reflect only on their ignorance and intolerance, bot on you. Don't be afraid to tell anyone, they won't label you a freak. The freak here is your cousin. You shouldn't be afraid to tell someone about this.

You can't be so hard on yourself. You were 18. In the grand scheme of things, you were, and really still are, a kid. You didn't know any better back then. He was the older, hopefully more mature, responsible one. He should have never let you have alcohol at all, and for him to get you drunk so he could get you into be is illegal and despicable. Don't blame yourself. He was a horrible person, you can't blame yourself for what he did yo you, it's just who he is. He sounds like he was mean, controlling, physically abusive, sexually abusive, jealous. I mean, he was just about everything a guy shouldn't be, but that's not your fault. You're not still with him, so you obviously did something about it, right?

They are bothering you because they are extremely painful, traumatic experiences. I think it's probably normal in these kind of cases. What you really need to do is talk to your therapist about them. If she has a problem with you because of i, fire her and get someone with the capacity for being a human.

*hug* Hope you're ok, PM me anytime.


~Cody

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