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Jess~ Offline
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i don't even know what just happened - March 11th 2016, 01:00 AM

i think i was just raped.

long story short, me and my ex-boyfriend have been staying FWB for about 4 months now.

knowing the player that he is, and how many girls he fools around with, i never wanted to have sex with him. i never intended to, never planned on it, it's what i told my worried friends, it's what i told him when the topic came up.
of course i wanted to, because i'm very attracted to him. but i was still a virgin and i really REALLY didn't want to lose it to a player like him, because i knew it wouldn't mean anything.

but twice or more a week we would mess around after school, just oral and stuff.
today we had a longer time, because my family would all be home late. i made the mistake of telling him we had over an hour rather than a quick 20-30 minutes like usual.

he kept begging me, saying stuff like i "was scared" or "wasn't ready" (i told him i was ready, just not with him) and messing with me and even hitting me hard (in the face, breasts, and vagina) but i still said no.

finally he started talking about how he didn't think anything would happen if he just did it whether i liked it or not.

so he put a condom on and pulled me on his lap. i tried to avoid it and told him his condom would go to waste but he said he'd "just put the tip in to start."
and so i let him, even though i didn't want to at all.

there were times it actually felt good and i liked it, but i still didn't want it to be happening. i really didn't want to lose my virginity to a player.

was this rape?

and if it was, what should i do about it? i really don't want to get the cops involved because then my parents will find out, and they're super-strict-christians. they knew about how this guy was just after sex after i was dating him, and they don't even want me to look at him anymore. if they find out i had sex with him... i can't even imagine what would happen. all hell would break loose, that's what.

part of me is terrified and really sad and angry at myself.
part of me just wants to move on and pretend this never happened, just cut off all communication with him.

but another part of me also wants to do it again. i still don't trust him, i will never love him, and i'm terrified of getting an STD or pregnancy from him.
which is why i feel so crappy about wanting more.

and i don't think it's normal to want sex again with the SAME PERSON after you've been possibly raped. is it..?

i still haven't had time to process it, but i'm definitely upset. i feel i disappointed myself and my friends (who warned me this would happen).

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
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JazzyJazz Offline
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Re: i don't even know what just happened - March 11th 2016, 03:58 AM

Hi Jess.

If you didn't consent to having sex, which it sounds like you did not, then you were raped. Although, I think you kind of know that already. I'm really sorry you went through it.

It's really important that you don't blame yourself. Yes you told him you had longer alone than usual, but that gives him no right to force himself into you.

The good news is that because he used a condom, the chances of you becoming pregnant or contracting an STI are low.

The bad news is that he violated you and if you don't deal with this, it could cause a few issues in the future.

It's completely up to you whether or not you go to the police but, at the very least, you should find a counsellor and speak to them about what happened. This probably seems daunting at the moment as it's a very recent event, but perhaps in a week or so it's something you might want to consider. A lot of STI/sexual health clinics actually have a specially trained counsellor on hand to help you deal with these sorts of situations.

Regardless of whether you find him attractive, I don't think you should have sex with him again, quite simply because he doesn't deserve it after what he did to you. And you deserve better than him! I would sever all contact to ensure that it doesn't happen and, in the mean time, think about speaking to a professional about how you are feeling. I know it probably seems easier to just try to forget about it but, as I mentioned, it's something that is likely to cause emotional issues later on. As someone who has tried to "sweep things under the carpet", only for them to resurface years later, I strongly advise against doing that.

Take care of yourself.

~ Jasmine

Be kind to yourself.
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cynefin Offline

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Re: i don't even know what just happened - March 12th 2016, 07:28 AM

Like it's been said, you didn't consent to the sex, so you were raped. A lot of people struggle with whether or not they were raped if they felt pleasure during it and it's understandable to struggle because of that. But know that it is natural to feel pleasure when you are being touched in specific ways regardless of whether or not you consented to it.

I don't think it's weird of you to want to have sex with him again. The impacts of rape and abuse are very complex and individual so it's not weird at all.

And getting the police involved is completely up to you. It's a long and sometimes draining process and it's definitely something you have to be ready for. Sometimes, it doesn't go the way you predict it will go and that can make you struggle more than you already are.

I can understand the fear surrounding telling your parents because of their religion, but the sex wasn't consensual and I'd hope they wouldn't be upset with you about something that isn't your fault. If you don't tell your parents I think you should tell someone so you get it out of your mind. Keeping things inside and trying to forget about them only makes them worse later on when they resurface.

It can be hard to cope with what you're going through when you're around the person who harmed you so I think you should cut contact with him.

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