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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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talking to my abuser - April 19th 2016, 08:17 AM

earlier today when i was about to walk out of the front of my school, my ex-boyfriend and abuser walked inside.
i quickly changed my direction and headed towards the other doors to exit the front of the school, but he had already seen me.

he said all casually, "heyyy.. it's jess."
when i ignored him he gave me a look and said, "hi jess??"

i mumbled/almost whispered a "hey.." and then hurried out the door without staying to hear whatever else he had to say to me.
but as i was hurrying out i could already see his face, looking at me like "what tf is wrong with you??"
you know that face you make when people are acting rude or unpleasant. that kind of raised eyebrow, cringe, scowl thing??
that's exactly what he did, though.

i almost lost it walking out to the parking lot.

every time i get into a situation where i kind of have to talk to him and see him still acting all friendly and casual towards me... i don't know. it makes me feel like maybe the entire "rape" thing was in my head.
like maybe i accidentally made it seem like i wanted it, even though i said "no" a dozen times.
but i know that's not the case, because afterwards he was bragging to his friends about how "he fucked me, even though i kept saying no."

so i know for sure that he knew i didn't want it. still, i can't help thinking that... if he's treating everything like the same old way it was when we were still friends, maybe i'm the crazy one.
maybe i'm making a HUGE deal out of a mistake..?

and what's the worst of all is that every time i even see him, i have to reconsider calling our entire FWB relationship off. i constantly have to remind myself that..
1. he doesn't deserve to use my body
2. he messes around with so many girls (and guys, so i've heard), it's unsafe and disgusting and i could easily catch something
3. because he messes around with so many other people, i obviously mean nothing to him, no matter what he says

but it's scary just how often that recurring thought comes into my mind. just "maybe one last time..." or "maybe he's changed". it's complete bullshit and i know EVERYONE would judge me to the point of just not taking me seriously anymore... i feel like i shouldn't be struggling with it so much, but i am.

like i've said in my past thread about the rape itself and how to deal with it...
i actually wanted to have sex with this guy. like, a lot. i was very attracted to him, and still am, obviously. even though he was a terrible sexual partner (selfish, did things i wasn't comfortable with, purposefully hurt me after i told him to stop, etc.), i don't know.. i really did want to have sex with him.
and if i wasn't a virgin, i would have.
but i was and i said no, so it is still rape.

but i don't know.... of course i was sad, angry, and extremely upset that he stole my virginity without my consent. but to a point, i did have to accept it and at least try to enjoy what was happening against my will. my body shut down and froze and i couldn't do anything else but take it and try to make the best of it.
so to a point, i did like it.

i just don't know. whenever i see/talk to him, i kind of feel like i'm the bad guy...

at the very least, part of me thinks i should still be friendly and nice to him. should i??
we always make eye contact in the halls.
but i stay away from him the best i can and just try to avoid all sight of him at all costs.
these are very conflicting emotions to have and i just don't know what i should do.

should i keep ignoring/avoiding him, or should i at least smile at him and say hey every once in awhile?

so today during my free period he came up to me and asked if we could talk.
he was like, "so... are we good?? like is there something wrong with us? cause i just wanna know if we okay...?"
and i said, "i mean... you kind of raped me so..? no, we're not really good then...?"
and he started fucking smiling.
you know when someone is obviously trying to hide their smile or laughter, but the corners of their mouth twitch up and the rest stays straight?
that's what he was doing.
another thing is that he always makes dead straight eye contact with me when we're talking (and when he's not looking at my body).
but he wouldn't look at me once i said that. it was like he was looking at the floor, trying to think of a lie or something.

"and see, you're fucking laughing about it now." i said.
and he was like, "no i'm not, i just don't know... like, can you explain??"
so i explained, "i said no multiple times and you didn't care."

and the dumbass said, "well... i was just tryna go along with what you wanted."

so he's trying to put the fucking blame on me for this and he won't even own up to it.
(although, at some point during our conversation, after i said he raped me, he did ask if i was okay.)

after that he asked again if we were good and i was like, "besides that, we're fine."
so he held out his hand but i didn't want to touch him so he was like, "um... so... do you wanna hug... or???"

i don't know what to make of this.
i don't know whether i should be pissed off or what, but i am, understandably.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Spoons; April 20th 2016 at 04:59 AM. Reason: Moving thread to more appropriate forum - You'll get better advice here :)
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
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Re: talking to my abuser - April 20th 2016, 06:12 AM

You listed a few things that you said you're constantly reminding yourself of. Keep reminding yourself of those things whenever you remember to. The more you tell yourself those things, the better it will become, over time. It can be hard when you know one thing and your emotions tell you differently, but keep fighting yourself on the things from that list. You said that you know it was rape, and I know it can take a while to accept that and I'm proud of you.

There's no limit to how much you can struggle with something like this. Everyone reacts differently, and it is completely understandable for you to struggle. You've been going through a lot and it is emotionally draining.

It seems to me like he is being manipulative. I'm not sure if that's the right word, though. You said he seemed to acknowledge that it was wrong, yet he isn't currently taking responsibility for what he did. A lot of abusers don't see what they've done as wrong, or they do, but don't admit it anyway. The conversation you had when he smiled in response to you talking about the rape is concerning to me and I don't think it is healthy for you to be around him.

This is a decision you have to make for yourself. You have to do what you feel is best for you, but keep in mind that it is hard to start healing when you see your abuser. I know you can't always avoid him in school, but doing so whenever you can will probably make a difference. Don't talk to him because you feel obligated to. He treated you horribly and you don't owe him anything.

My inbox is open if you need anything.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Samuel Offline
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Re: talking to my abuser - April 22nd 2016, 05:07 PM

Hi, I'm new here, so if I'm off base, put me where I belong ok?

You did nothing wrong, seems like you feel like you did somehow, and you didn't. It's easy to get into a situation and regret it after, but you have the right to say no any time you want. The fact he said it, and didn't, only proves he's an asshole rapist, and your the victim.

I'm sorry that happened to you, especially someone you considered a friend, that really sucks.

Maybe you might want to think about reporting the rape. Get him off the streets
Are you talking to anyone about it?
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
BDF Offline
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Re: talking to my abuser - April 22nd 2016, 10:58 PM

Reading what you wrote about this guy, there were so many red flags going off in my head. I don't want to make this about me, but reading it made me pretty fucking angry. I knew someone very closely a while ago who ended up very badly after getting raped. If I saw something like that going down I'm not sure I could even control myself, and I am bad when I lose it. I'm not even talking about the act of raping, just being there seeing someone like him intimidate their victim afterwards. I try not to pass judgements too quickly, especially based on one person's version of events I read on the internet, but I can't help thinking that pretty much most of what you've written about him matches the profile of a psychopath. Maybe even all of what you have written.

Please don't let him into your head. Every time he is staring directly at you (like you said) he is doing it to subconsciously assert dominance and intimidate you. I am not saying this is easy, but try to reprogram yourself if you have to, and lock him out of your mind. Stick around any friends you have. If you have closer friends which you trust enough, then make them aware of the problem, so they can get their guard up and look out for you too. But be sure you trust them first. Don't make mistakes in that department, because they could be very expensive if he managed to somehow corrupt your friends and turn them against you. And be vigilant. Don't get caught on your own with him again. If I were you, I'd also tuck a screwdriver or a pair of scissors and be prepared to use it brutally if necessary. Or tuck both, one as a distraction. I don't mean to scare you, but instead alert you to the possibility that he could get violent if he "doesn't get what he wants".

I don't know if you've posted about this before here, and I don't know the rest of the story. Presumably whether you have or have not reported it to the police, you've done it for your own reasons, although you really should report it. But with the future in mind, as I said already, be vigilant. Make sure you're around people, or make sure there are cameras. Keep a smartphone handy, be ready to record any events which happen. Think even 5 minutes ahead. If you know you have to go back to the classroom at the end of school and get your books from your locker by yourself, place your phone somewhere nearby with it already recording. And don't forget it afterwards. I don't know him well enough to say this for certain, but it is even possible that he might know your routine and be waiting for you somewhere at the end of school where he will expect you to show up. And if you do encounter him one-on-one, make sure you speak his name loudly (by acknowledging his presence) so the phone picks it up. Say something that won't arouse suspicion like "Hi _____ (whatever his name is)".

And read on the internet about who and what psychopaths are. I am not talking about deranged lunatics who howl at the full moon and run around stabbing people at night like Hollywood used to portray them. I'll even take a look around and try to find some good sources. I don't remember off the top of my head right now because it's been a while. You might be surprised how closely he matches.


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.

Last edited by BDF; April 23rd 2016 at 12:19 AM.
2 user(s) liked this post or found it helpful.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
BDF Offline
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Re: talking to my abuser - April 22nd 2016, 11:32 PM

Here are a few good sources:
Like I said earlier, it's difficult to judge through the internet what kind of person he is. It's best that you do your own reading and try to figure it out. A person doesn't have to tick every box on the checklist to be a psychopath. The first link explains it very well.

And lastly, if there is any reason for you to act "friendly" towards him, it is only to fool him into thinking that you are friendly towards him, so as not to provoke him. I don't recommend that you go on a personal vendetta and try to take revenge. I recommend that you just try and stay away from him instead. But like I said earlier, the best would have been to report it to the police, if only to prevent other people from getting harmed. Although it would be useless if no evidence could be found to support it, especially so long after it happened. On that topic though, you said he bragged about it to his friends, although I have low hopes for the police finding that kind of evidence "reliable".


"I don't care about politics"
Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.

Last edited by BDF; April 23rd 2016 at 12:16 AM.
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