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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Exclamation My dad - July 27th 2016, 04:51 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I was severely sexually and physically abused by my father when I was younger, but now that I'm 16 I recently found myself a new dad <3 I'm not exactly sure how dads usually treat their daughters but something strange is he says that his wife comes first, not me. First of all this pisses me off. Then he asks me questions about my abuse and to be specific on how it happened, this really fucking bothers me because I don't wanna talk about it, but he almost insists. I'm really upset because he's too serious, doesn't act like a dad. And it's literally Everyday he asks what my uncle makes me do to him like wtf why do I need to explain that? Like what do you think my uncle makes me do to/with him? It really bothers me, idk where I'm going with this I'm just very upset.


   
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Re: My dad - July 27th 2016, 07:41 AM

Hi Meredith,

I'm sorry to hear about your abusive past. It must have taken a lot of strength to accept. I'm relieved to hear that you no longer have to deal with your dad anymore.

I am a little in question about what you mean when you say you have a new dad. Did your mum remarry? Is your dad out of the picture completely? Is your new dad protective of you?

From what you've said in your post, I'm a little concerned by how much attention your new dad is paying to the abuse you experienced, requesting too much detail. No doubt you're feeling uncomfortable about it. And you certainly have the right to exercise your discretion about what you want to reveal. It's your past, you don't need to say anything more than you want to.

If you feel at all concerned about his need to delve in the abusive part of your life, I would suggest that you speak to your mum or someone you trust about it. I understanding why you're so upset. It isn't right when someone doesn't respect your privacy, even your parents. If this is starting to concern you, you really should talk to someone.

Best wishes, hope you feel better

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My dad - July 27th 2016, 07:17 PM

I don't live with my mom I live with my aunt and uncle, so I found my dad.
   
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Re: My dad - July 28th 2016, 03:41 AM

He asked me to send him a pic of my cut scars....idek what's going on


   
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Re: My dad - July 28th 2016, 10:01 AM

I understand what it feels like to find someone and get attached to them, as you would if they were your parent. Sometimes, this can be healthy as it allows you to have that parent-child interaction that you missed out on, though you have to remember that they can never fully replace the parent. However, people can take advantage of this. It is very worrying that this guy is asking for intimate details about your abuse, and asking for pictures of your scars. You should never feel pressured into talking about things or showing things, if you don't feel comfortable, no matter who they are. From my personal experience, therapists shouldn't ask you for intimate details, and parents/carers who suspect abuse may not ask for intimate details either...therefore no-one else should. This is often because talking about the abuse in a graphic way, repeatedly, can be re-traumatising, unless done with a therapist that you trust in safe environment.

I suggest that you tell this guy firmly that you do not want to tell him about your abuse or show him your scars, and ask that he respects that. If he doesn't, though it may be upsetting, it may be best to avoid him. You need to have good boundaries in place, especially since you have been abused before as you don't want others to try to take advantage of you.

Also, how is your relationship with your aunt? Is she a 'safe' person that you could trust? I can't remember if you have said already, so forgive me if I'm wrong, but is it possible to let your aunt know about the abuse from your uncle and that this guy is pressuring you to talk about it? Though it may be a bit of a shock, initially, you don't deserve to suffer more.


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Re: My dad - July 28th 2016, 01:29 PM

She does know about the abuse and doesn't care..


   
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Re: My dad - July 29th 2016, 12:05 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that. Sometimes it can be hard to hear about abuse, especially when the perpetrator is well known such as a family member. Unfortunately, some people may go into denial, which isn't helpful for anyone.

I'm not sure if it's helpful much, generally, if you can, try to avoid being around unsafe people such as your uncle, and if the guy you mentioned is too interested in your abuse, avoid being with him too, especially if you are on your own with him. We also have an article on protecting yourself from abusive individuals, here.


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Re: My dad - July 31st 2016, 04:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by merideth7 View Post
He asked me to send him a pic of my cut scars....idek what's going on
I wish I could give your dad a couple scars too.
I'm very sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. We're here to help and I'm sure we can brainstorm
   
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Re: My dad - August 1st 2016, 02:21 AM

Hey Merideth,

I could be wrong, but did you meet this guy on some kind of dating and/or fetish website?

Wherever you met him, I would advise you to proceed with caution. Because of your past, it's only natural for you to want to reach out to someone who you feel could care about you (as a dad should), but you are vulnerable to being exploited because of this. (I should know, because I have been in similar situations.) Sometimes it can seem as though someone genuinely cares about you, but they also have their own agenda in terms of getting what they want; emotionally, sexually, etc. I would hate to see you get hurt or feel used again.

If you are not comfortable with this guys' requests, do not do what he asks. You are right, it's none of his business what you have been through with your father and uncle and you don't have to discuss that with him, or send him photos.

It's understandable that he is going to put his wife first and, to be honest, I don't think this is going to be an ideal situation for you. If you want to go down the road of finding a dad type, my advice would be to look for someone who is single.

If you want to chat more in private, feel free to PM me.

Take care of yourself.


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Re: My dad - August 1st 2016, 02:51 AM

I didn't mean him on a dating or fetish website. And I talked to him and he stopped making me uncomfortable. I won't find someone who's single, guys who are older are married most of the time anyway.


   
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Re: My dad - August 1st 2016, 03:08 AM

I wasn't convinced that you met him online, but just thought I'd throw that idea out there, in case it was true but you didn't feel able to say.

I'm glad you spoke to him and he has stopped making you feel uncomfortable.

There are lots of unmarried older guys, you just might not come across them as often as you do married ones.

I don't think you should have to settle for being second best. You deserve to be someone's priority.


Be kind to yourself.
   
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Re: My dad - August 5th 2016, 03:15 PM

Mm no.....I prefer married seems more like a dad


   
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Re: My dad - August 7th 2016, 11:32 AM

Well that is fair enough.
Only thing I'd say is be careful. You never know people you meet online. And I'm glad he has stopped making you uncomfortable. Is he someone you are able to connect to?
My inbox is always open if you would like to chat
   
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