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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Svetlanavolkova Offline
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Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 8th 2016, 02:57 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

When I was about 5, I remember my dad forcing me to take my clothes off, and show off to his friends in his room. He'd have me do stuff like spin in a circle, make me play with my hair, but before all of this he'd tell me to put some of my mom's makeup on. He told me that I'd be fine when I told him that I didn't want to, and that it'd be fun. I went along with it because I didn't really have any other option and he'd say stuff like, if you love me then do what I say. And I loved him so of course I did what he told. I was uncomfortable, but once he started telling me to do sexual things to his friends I cried and I begged him to let me stop. He would just threaten me, and if that didn't work he'd beat me or pull a knife out and say that I would be chopped up into little pieces and that nobody would find me. I was forced to do stuff like give his friends blowjobs, jerk them off, put condoms on his friends so they could do whatever they wanted. I'd always get bruises and hurt but when I told my mom she either refused to believe me, or did believe me but just didn't want to know the truth. What hurts the most is for some reason, I still have a bit of love for him, but at the same time I hate him and never wanna see him again.



Last edited by Svetlanavolkova; August 8th 2016 at 03:22 AM.
   
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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 01:31 AM

I know how hard it can be to talk about abuse but I hope writing this out helped you in some way. Talking about it does slowly get easier with time.

I'm sorry to hear that your mom didn't believe you. Many parents either don't believe their children, or don't want to believe their children and tell themselves things to completely downplay the situation. Some children are stuck with their abuser because the opposite parent is dependent on them financially.

It's normal to still love your abuser, especially when it's your father. It's hard because that person is your family, but they've also done terrible things to you. It's easier said than done, but try not to feel bad about still loving your father. You can love your abuser, as many people do, without trusting them or respecting them after what they've done. If you experience a lot of anger towards him, maybe you can find some things to do to release that anger.


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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 02:31 AM

Hi Merideth.

The abuse that you suffered as a child is, quite frankly, appalling. I find it disgusting that an adult would behave like that to any child, but the fact that he was doing it to his daughter just makes the situation even worse. I saw this thread yesterday but it has taken me until now to post something because, to be honest, thinking about what happened to you made me feel uneasy. Not only that, but I had a feeling of wanted to go back in time and rescue that little girl. Unfortunately, I can't do that, but I can try to support you as you are now. I do, however, think it's important to acknowledge that my resources are limited. I'm not an expert in psychological trauma and how to deal with abuse. It would be a good idea for you to reach out to someone who can help you deal with this effectively.

With that in mind, have you ever spoken to a counsellor about what you went through? I know that it's something I suggest often, and there's a chance that you're questioning how talking about these events with someone could help you. To answer that, I have found my counsellor helpful in terms of coming to terms with difficult things that happened. In counselling, you speak about what you went through, release the pain (there are various ways to do this), and then learn to accept the situation.

The truth is that whilst those events are a part of your history, they do not define you. You are almost an adult and in many respects have come a long way from the person you were at 5. So although it's important to acknowledge the past, it's equally important to distance yourself from it too. Having said that, those kind of incidents can have long-lasting effects and I think that speaking to a counsellor could help with all of this.

Being abused as a child is different to be abused as a teenager or adult because there is so much confusion involved. You didn't understand why you were being asked to do the things he wanted, and just how wrong they were. I do think it's important that you work through those events with a counsellor now that you are old enough to comprehend them. Your thread title says that this is not something you talk about, but the events and the emotions you felt back then are clearly on your mind. Carrying all of that around with you is not healthy and is no doubt colouring your perception of yourself, of men, and of the world in general. It is also contributing to your feelings depression, suicidal ideation, and other things you reach out to us about.

Whilst you haven't mentioned it here, I know from your other threads that you are still being abused, but by your uncle instead of your father. It's therefore understandably difficult for you to move on from what happened to you as child, because in many ways you are still being treated as one. You may be older now, but you're still being forced to do things against your will and therefore aren't in control of your own body and, ultimately, your own life. This is why it's important that you tell someone what is going on, but we've covered that before and I know you're not happy to so I won't pressure you. I just feel that there needs to be an end to all this. You need to be able to put it behind you. You don't deserve to keep suffering at the hands of these "men" (m0nsters, in my opinion).

Finally, it's understandable that your feelings towards your father are mixed up. Of course you hate him for what he did to you, but he is your father after all so it makes sense for you to feel some love towards him. It's also made more complicated by the fact that he said things like, "If you love me, do what I say", thus trying to give the impression that there was nothing outrageous about what he was asking you to do and implying that he was asking you to do those things because he loved you. In reality, making those threats was emotional blackmail and had little to do with love. If he really loved and cared about you, he would not have abused you. He toyed with your emotions and taught you a father-daughter love that is just plain wrong. How you feel about him is, in a way, your decision. But, in my opinion, he certainly doesn't deserve your affections.

I am wondering how you feel about your mother's role in all this and whether you feel anything towards her. I think that she is also to blame for what happened because, as you say, she either didn't believe you or didn't want to acknowledge the situation. And that too is wrong. It's bad enough that you had to go through the abuse, but to have reached out for help and be disbelieved just makes it all a lot worse. It's unsurprising that you now keep things to yourself and don't want to tell anyone in your offline world what is happening. However, it's important to understand that the way your mother reacted was a result of her involvement with your father and not how other people would react. Therefore, if you do decide to reach out to someone now, there is no reason why you won't be taken seriously and why something won't be done to help you.

Ultimately, you no longer have to physically deal with being abused by your father, which is progress. However, sometimes if we are holding onto all the pain that we felt at the time of the event, it is almost as if the abuse is still happening. I do think you need to work on dealing with and then letting go of what happened to you, which is why I have suggested counselling. Of course, the fact that you are still being abused by a different person makes things a little more difficult. However, anything would be better than nothing. Talking about what you went through as a child would still be beneficial, even if you don't feel able to address what is happening to you now.

I hope this helped in some way. I want you to know that you are not alone with this. I know you probably think I'm old and stuff , but my inbox is always there if you feel sad. I have dealt with various things throughout my life and in some ways can relate to you. I want you to know that your life can get a lot better. I think that for you, as it was for me, the turning point will be when you are no longer living with your family. However, as far as I'm aware you don't know when that will be and it's important that, in the mean time, you try to keep your head above water and reach out to those who can help you. You've been through so much and the fact that you are still here is proof of your inner strength - remember that when you feel desperate.

Hoping you're okay,

Jasmine.


Be kind to yourself.

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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 03:07 AM

Thank you for that reply well my feelings towards my mother are pure hatred, I do feel bad for her because she's been through a lot as well, but she always chooses my brother over me(I love him to death it's just she never cares about me) she's never even said she loved me once. She blames me for her problems and why my dad left us. I do feel a bit of love for her, she's my mom. But I just hate the way she is towards me.


   
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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 03:27 AM

You're welcome.

I feel like I covered quite a lot in my post, so apologies if it was a lot to take in.

It's very unfair that your mom chooses your brother over you. Favouritism can be really damaging because the child who isn't favoured always wonders if there is something wrong with them.

In truth, from what I have read, there is nothing wrong with you and you deserve to feel special and, ultimately, loved.

Does your brother live with you?

What are your thoughts on speaking to a counsellor about what you went through as a child? (You wouldn't have to discuss the stuff you are dealing with now.)

As I mentioned, I know it probably feels difficult to open up to anyone because when you tried to ask for help as a child, you didn't get anywhere. But I don't think you should let that stop you from trying again now. For what it's worth, you wouldn't be asking for someone to stop the abuse because it was a long time ago. Therefore going to a counsellor now is not the same as going to your mom as child. You are very much in control of the situation and would be asking for help in dealing with the effects of what happened to you, which you would definitely receive support with.


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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 03:44 AM

My brother lives with my mom. Idk if I'd be able to talk to a counselor. I'll probably wait until school starts then I can talk to that counselor, if I choose to.


   
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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 04:15 AM

Is there no way that you could live with your mom too? To escape the abuse from your uncle.

I understand you being unsure about talking to a counsellor after all that you've been through. But I do hope that you will at least consider it when school starts again.

I was really against speaking to anyone about my experiences and subsequent issues, but when I finally did, I realised that it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. And the opportunity to make progress towards being happy meant that it was definitely worth it.



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Re: Just something I don't really talk about.... - August 9th 2016, 09:51 PM

I can't currently live with my mom, I don't even know why my brother can. She's a junkie.


   
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