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Ghoulish Offline
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I don't know what to do anymore... - August 13th 2016, 09:52 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've never really posted much on this site. But I think its time.

Um, so, around three years ago, back when I was 15, my dad did some stuff to me. At night, I usually woke up to a heavy dip in my bed and it was only until I squinted really hard that I would notice it was my dad. He would sneak into my room and lie in my bed next to me.

Then, he would ramble on about some excuse that sleeping on the couch was uncomfortable and that the living room was too cold. (This was because at the time, my mother had to take care of my little infant brother so her bed would be occupied by her and my brother alone- as a result my dad had to sleep on the couch.)

So I understood why he would say that but even then I felt uncomfortable by the prospect that my dad was sleeping next to me. But I didn't say anything.

After that, as the night went on, I noticed that my dad's hand kept straying towards me. The eventually he would start... you know, touching me around my thigh area. I kept moving them and at some points I tried waking him up.

But he continued, and then eventually he would touch me there. From that point onwards, I was paralysed.

He would touch me and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it. I would be helpless.

This continued frequently for a year and a bit. Each time, I would be sleepless, depressed, lonely, helpless. At exactly 6am every morning, I would go to the living room and just sit there in silence by myself until someone woke up and came downstairs.

Usually it was my mum who woke up first. Every time she would ask "Why are you awake so early?"

Every time, I replied, "I couldn't sleep" when really that wasn't the case.

It took me a while to process what happened.

It took me a year and half to realise that I was sexually abused my dad.

And it took me even longer to realise that it didn't just happen at night. That it happened even during the day.

He would randomly offer me a massage and being the naive idiot that I am, I didn't refuse. Then that massage would turn into something completely different.

I dont know why I didn't stop him. Why I couldn't call out for help. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened.

And the worst part is, when I told all of this to my sister- twin sister- she told me that I was deranged and that i had "dreamt it all."

When I told my mother next, completely in tears and shaking after my dad had sexually abused me yet again one night, she had ran to my room to check on my dad, believing that he was the one who was harmed.

It hurt like a bitch that no one believed me.

So I became depressed, withdrawn. I started self harming and at one point contemplated suicide.

Then what really put a nail in the coffin, was when my dad said that what had happened was meant to happen. That God had planned this to happen.

That it was a test from God.

Because I come from a religious family, and that I believe in God, for a while I believed this to be true.

So when I became depressed and suicidal I blamed myself. That I had failed God's test in being able to turn to him during my time of need. And thats the reason why I was depressed.

Right now, a major part of me still believes that.

Anyway, recently I couldn't handle nor deal with what has happened to me.

I live with the effects of what happened to me today.

Im Stil depressed, I still self harm, I still contemplate suicide.

I can't feel things anymore and it worries me right now that as I type this, I still feel nothing. I feel numb, so numb, that Im able to type this with calm.

To be honest, i feel like a part of the reason why is because some day I hope that someone reads this and knows what happened to me in case I commit suicide in a few months time.

Because then someone knows the reason why.
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Re: I don't know what to do anymore... - August 14th 2016, 03:06 PM

I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is an awful experience.

Like you said, your dad used the couch being uncomfortable as an excuse to go into your bedroom with you. He shouldn't have come into your bedroom in the first place, and used the couch to justify it to you and maybe even to himself. I know it can take a while to come to terms with things but I am glad you know that this was just an excuse.

It's not your fault. People all react to things differently. Some people fight it, some people try to leave, and others freeze. A lot of people who freeze during something like this blame themselves but it's not your fault. That was your reaction to something horrible. It was your body's way of trying to protect you. It did what it knew how to do.

It hurts when people don't believe you, especially when they're family members. It's invalidating and damaging, and it makes you feel more alone, even when you're around them. Don't let your sister and your mother's reactions keep you from telling other people. People will believe you. I believe you. Do you think you can try telling someone else about this? Maybe a relative or a friend? If you don't want to tell someone, I suggest writing about it, either on here in your blog, or in a journal somewhere out of reach from everything else. Just getting things out of your mind can do a world of good.

I'm not religious so I don't know if I can say anything helpful in regards to that, but this wasn't meant to happen. This is not natural. Your father went out of his way to abuse you. Human beings aren't made to harm other people; I think they're born innocent and then things along the way shape them to who they are. Your father must have gone through something to make him think that doing what he did to you was okay, but that's no excuse at all for him to harm you like that.

Do you do anything to cope with your depression, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts? It is very hard to start healing from what you've been through when you're still around your abuser. Something to hold onto when you're feeling suicidal is the future. Eventually, you can have a life without your father and the rest of your family if you don't want to see them. You can have freedom and peace. These feelings won't last forever. I know it's hard, and sometimes it seems impossible to see that. I am actually still learning that I can have a future someday as well. It is there. Getting what you want in life might not be easy but that will make it more worth it. In the meantime, try doing things to get you through one day at a time. I can tell you some of the things I do, if you want.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything. I can identify with some of what you posted and it might help for you to talk to someone.

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