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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Sexual Assaul is the question... - October 20th 2016, 08:35 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It all happened so quickly. We knew each other for maybe a month. Well… ‘talking’ for like two weeks. I don't know what happened first... everything happened so quickly.

She was a sexual individual, 25 year's old. I was 20. I was a virgin, she was far from one. I did not understand the process of sex nor did I really want to at the time because I was not attracted to her on a sexual level... at least not at that point.

The night it happened is still a blur. We never discussed sexexcept I knew she was sexual because of stories she told me. All I remember is laying there. She pressed her body against mine and began to touch me in ways I had never been touched before. I knew it was wrong, especially with the fact I kept thinking about what my parents told me when I was younger while this all was happening. She then began to touch me in places no one ever touched me before. I was really uncomfortable, but I froze up. I did not say much.

My body began to respond in ways it never did. I did not want to do it, but my anxiety creates barriers where I have a difficulty speaking up for myself. I just laid there and allowed it to happen. Izoned out during most of itor my brain has just blocked it because it was kindof traumatizing. I remembered moaning and trying to keep it quiet but she told me to just let it out. I did not want to. And I did not. Apparently, making noises while doing ‘it’ turned her on even more. I tensed up. She kept going but my body was just so tired.

Once it was all over, I just laid there. My body was limp and I knew my ex felt successful while I felt defeated. I then began to cry and curled up onto the corner of her bed shaking. I broke. She broke me. She took what was most important from me. I did not tell her to stop either. I did not know how to respond during the whole thing. I did not know how to tell her to stop. She knew I have a tendency of letting people take control of me. I allowed her to. Not intentionally though. I hated myself for what happened. I still hate myself.



I forgot allthis all happened because I was always trying to protect myself from her advancing the sexual behaviors because she always did that. Finally, after her testing my boundaries, I could not do it anymore and was scared. I started to pull from her more and more.



She began to dohard drugs again so this was the perfect time forme to break up with her. I began to hate her even more after she began to harass me. While we did have some good times there are some memories that are difficult for me to deal with even though I know many have had it worse.



I guess my issue is, I'm having trouble loving myself sense that happened because of what happened. If I wanted it, that would have been a different story. But sense I did not, it effected me on a physiological level. I am also with a domestic violence agency sense there is a warrant out for her arrest due to another situation that happened. They gave me contact info for another group and I finally reached out to them and began to explain what happened. They told me sexual assault can happen to anyone and even if you are in a relationship. I feel though, this does not classify as sexual assault because I just laid there. I did not push her off me, tell her to stop. I just laid there with my mouth closed eyes open because I was scared of what she might do.



She did not beat me or hold me down. She did not threaten me which is why I feel it was not sexual assault.


She asked me why I was crying. I told her I was not to have sex until marriage. She said that my parents were just assholes and to not listen to them. Being in such a fragile state, I believed her. She told me she'd never hurt me intentionally, that she really did care about me after this.



I just hate myself after this. I have not been able to forgive myself. I think it's the fact I did not push her off me and walk out. I just laid there. I was frozen... and I hate myself for itwhich is why I don't believe it was sexual assault and that I do not need to go to counseling. I also feel that I am just over-reacting and I just need to accept what happened and move on with life.



But sense this, I want nothing to do with relationships. I'm scared someone else is going to do what she did to me.


I'm not a bad person. I promise.

Last edited by cynefin; October 21st 2016 at 10:05 PM. Reason: Adding prefix.
   
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Re: Sexual Assaul is the question... - October 21st 2016, 10:16 PM

During a sexual assault, many people freeze. It's unfortunate that it leads to people feeling as though what they went through wasn't assault though. You may not have said no, and you may not have pushed you off of her but you didn't say yes either. She didn't have your permission to do what she did to you and that is assault.

Freezing is your body's way of protecting yourself mentally. It freezes when it knows it is in danger and you are unable to leave. It doesn't mean you're at fault, or that it wasn't sexual assault, because it was assault. It was just your body's response to it. It can be hard for a while but that might be something you begin to come to terms with over time.

Whether or not you go to counseling is up to you but do know that you are not overreacting and you deserve to get support from counseling as much as anyone else does. If you ever do decide to go to counseling I hope you find it helpful.


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Re: Sexual Assaul is the question... - October 21st 2016, 11:42 PM

I typed out this really well thought out response to you and it got lost. That's happened a few times to me lately

So look, what you experienced sounds like sexual assault. She never sought consent. Sure, she didn't violently hold you down and you didn't fight to get away nor did you say no, but those aren't the limits of consent or the defining points of assault; you never said yes and you also sound like you were very uncomfortable and she ignored those signs. There were enough signs that you didn't want to be a part of what was going on and froze up and she chose to ignore that. Things like moaning don't make it ok either; it'd be like expecting a guy to not get hard if a woman touches his penis even if he really doesn't want to be touched like that, it's a biological response that can totally defy the mental response and consent.

What I went through with my boyfriend was pretty similar and it took me a long time to even be ok with it because I didn't see what was wrong with what happened. But now I've been able to tell my therapist about it; he said it could be called rape, he's the first person to ever call it that, and I'm not sure if that's what I want to call it, but it's definitely sexual assault what happened to me and I am more comfortable with calling it that because it lines up closer to my built up ideas of assault because it's ore general sounding whereas rape feels so specific but we all need to pick the language on our own terms that'll help us process the trauma.

What happened isn't ok, and I am really sorry that this person did this to you.

You could always consider some therapy, it's something that's really helped me to deal with traumatic experiences in my past.

If you need to talk you can PM me.




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Re: Sexual Assaul is the question... - October 26th 2016, 04:56 AM

Of course you aren't a bad person. I understand exactly what you are going through, only on a much smaller level. When I was in high school, I didn't have any friends. I went out with a group from my AP class to celebrate our exams being completed. I don't even know why I went. One of the girls there had an boyfriend who was a really awful person. In the middle of Walmart he walked up to me right in front of the others, (his girlfriend had her back to us) and while staring into my eyes ran his hand along my breasts. I just looked at him. I didn't know what to do, then he just walked away and proceeded to not only harass me but talk to the other guys about how ugly I was. I was wearing a necklace that was incredibly important to me and I had to throw it away. I felt so guilty. I couldn't look at the necklace I couldn't stop feeling guilty. I was sexual harassed by several boys at school and now I feel incredibly guilty about never pushing them away, never fighting back. This is a normal reaction. In almost all cultures across the world women are taught to be submissive. There is also a very normal reaction to something terrifying and that is called a deer in headlights reaction. It means you freeze up. Even if you want to do something to fight it you can't. Your reaction was so so normal. So many people react that way to assault. I am a 6'1 woman. I weigh 230 lbs. I am strong, tall and I look intimating. This happened to me. If it can happen to me, and i froze, it can happen to anyone. Please PM me if you want to talk. I will listen to you and try to help.


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