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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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dimpleofbeauty Offline
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is this control - November 13th 2016, 05:51 PM

Hi guys, I'm not sure if this is controlled behaviour or not. A few months ago when we first moved in together we had an argument which lead to his anger coming out and him raising his hand to me. Well he's settled down as i've went through health issues which has lead to pcos. We talked about it and he was understanding. Until I started college and settled in I met lots of new friends and one who is the same age as me and is male. We have a good friendship and we both hang out with another friend who is female. When my male friend invited me out for a college night out my partner told me to go out have fun with my friends. I did and really enjoyed myself then my partner went away for the weekend I was fine with him sharing a hotel room with female friends as I trust him. It all changed when he was away he text me rung me and when he found out i had went for a meal with my 2 friends because one is male he wasn't happy. Also when i give my friend lifts home because he's male he isn't happy either. He's becoming jealous saying I'm texting my other boyfriend i have more time for him than i do for him. If he didn't love me he wouldn't cook or clean for me. He doesn't want to lose me because i mean the world to him. I told him i was going to see my best friend he said so I'm not going to have time with you again. He's buying me flowers and gifts again. He told me he doesn't like my friend's name mentioned. My female friend told me my male friend likes me too because I'm his favourite in the class when I'm texting my friend my partner always says you texting your boyfriend again and guilt tripping me where as its ok for him to always fb message his friends who are mostly girls who he tends to flirt with calling them hun and babe makes me feel insecure. We don't have a sex life either he blames his age and weight for it too he's 12 years older than me also.
I really do not know what to do anymore i can't quit college. I'm scared he will go for me again.
   
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Re: is this control - November 13th 2016, 10:28 PM

This is controlling. Telling someone who they can and cannot hang out with is wrong. Some couples have an agreement that they won't have friends that are the opposite sex but they both agree to it and they both follow that rule.

He is making you feel guilty about having a life and friends while he still has female friends. It is not right and you should consider leaving the relationship because in all likelihood this will lead to further abuse.

If you can't leave then I suggest that you go to couples counseling and see if you can work something out there.


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Re: is this control - November 14th 2016, 03:08 PM

It's definitely controlling. You have every right to talk to male friends, to text them and meet up with them. Your partner has no right to guilt trip you or blame you for these things.

Does he realise his behaviour is controlling? Sometimes people with low self-esteem and insecurity can feel controlling. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but it shows that these things are issues with him, not you. While some people may realise that what they are doing is unhealthy and may try to work through these issues (such as talking to a counsellor) other people who don't realise can be much harder to deal with and if this is the case, it may be best to leave the relationship as things could only get worse.

You shouldn't have to quit college. Is there someone you can stay with for a while, if you decide to leave the relationship? Also, you say that you are scared he will go for you again....do you want to talk about what you mean by this?


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Re: is this control - November 14th 2016, 07:34 PM

Thank you for the advice and i mean if he goes to hit me again as he has done before
   
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Re: is this control - November 14th 2016, 09:15 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that he hit you before. There really is no excuse for hitting someone.


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Re: is this control - November 23rd 2016, 04:29 AM

I feel sorry for your situation. I would say you should get out of this relationship. He should learn to respect your feeling. If he is this controlling now it will be difficult for you to live together in the future.
   
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