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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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I just don't know any more. - January 13th 2017, 12:29 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have been wanting to post so badly for help but I haven't felt able to. I couldn't bring myself to admit I need help for this.

Something happened just under two weeks ago. I was in hospital in another town and discharged late at night (SH and OD) and I couldn't get home so a guy I had been talking to came and got me and took me to his because he lived in that town and I shouldn't have gone and I know it is all my fault because he ended up doing something to me and hurting me and I regret it so much but I am so scared and I don't know how to cope with it all.

I can't wear the clothes I like to wear because I feel like I am asking for it to happen and scared I look like a whore, asking for it, I am not wearing make-up or doing anything with my hair, I can barely bath and tonight my mum had to sit outside the bathroom after not washing for days just to distract me for the five minutes I was in the bath because I can't stand to be with myself while I am not wearing anything. I haven't been out on my own apart from going missing one night and nearly completing suicide. I feel agitated, anxious and on edge all the time and I can't cope with it.

I don't know what else to say. I don't deserve help but I can't manage feeling this way and I feel at such a high risk to myself and sometimes I act on the thoughts and feelings (self harm and suicidal thoughts) and other times I want to try and get through for my mum and sister but it's so hard and I can't and don't know what to do.

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Re: I just don't know any more. - January 13th 2017, 01:25 AM

Everyone deserves help. I think the simplest thing to do is to come out to your mom and sister. As for doing it, just sit with them, and blurt it out all at once. Or write them a letter, Explaining exactly what happened, and what's happened since. I can't imagine what that feels like, but I know that if you keep that stuff from the people who care about, you may grow distant from them, and keeping it inside will just hurt you more. You are a strong, independent person, and I believe you have the strength to tell someone about, even if it's hard.
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Re: I just don't know any more. - January 13th 2017, 01:18 PM

It's not your fault. You had been talking to this guy and had trusted him, there's nothing wrong with that. It was all his fault. He should never have done what he did to you, regardless of what you had said or what you were wearing. You were in a bad place and were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. I can't imagine how scared you must be after everything that you have been through.

It's okay to feel like you can't wear the clothes you used to right now. I think this is common in many people that have been through similar to what you have. It's also okay t not put on make up or do anything with your hair. Perhaps now is a time to focus on comfort and safety instead? You will be able to wear your clothes and put on make up in time, but for now it might be worth focussing on self-care. You've been through a lot so try to treat yourself kindly.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with bathing though. I think it was good that you tried to find ways of making the bath more enjoyable and that your mum stayed outside. Music helps to distract me so if you have a shower radio or can keep your phone covered/protected you might want to try putting on some music. Or maybe you can wear a swimsuit for a little while until you feel more comfortable? I know it's hard when you are avoiding going out on your own and you feel anxious all the time. My counsellor suggested just starting small like standing out on your doorstep for a few minutes and slowly increase the distance such as to the end of the house, then the end of the street etc. Nothing bad should happen to you so if you can manage to just stay with the anxiety outside, you may be able to calm down when you realise that you are safe and the danger has passed. But there's no need to rush it either, especially if you can go out with your mum, sister or a friend if that's easier for you at the moment.

You do deserve help. I'm really glad that you wrote this thread. I can't imagine how conflicted you must be feeling with everything. I'm glad that you have your mum and sister to keep you going and remember that we are all here for you too

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Re: I just don't know any more. - January 13th 2017, 04:31 PM

First of all, it was not your fault. I know you may be thinking that if you hadn't called him or if you had done something different maybe this wouldn't have happened, but you need to keep in mind that what happened was out of your control. It had to do with that guy and his own choices. It was his actions. It was not and it is not your fault.

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but you should keep in mind that healing takes time. And you need time to cope with what happened. So it's okay if for now you act a little different with the things you were used to, like doing your make-up or wearing specific clothes. But maybe doing these things could help you in some way. So it could be good to try and do them, but always keeping in mind you don't need to do everything you used to do the way you used to do right now. Maybe just put some eyeliner or a lipstick while you are at home first, so you can get used to it again step by step.

And last, I know how hard it is to talk to other people about things that are destroying us inside. I really, really know. But if I learned something from doing that, it was that the pain you feel while you try to put in words what you've been experiencing is almost paralyzing, but it will free you. You will cry and won't find the right words, and maybe in the middle of the conversation you'll wish it was over, but trust me, you need to share your pain. We were not made to carry things all by ourselves. And we all, and by all I include you, need and deserve help, no matter what we've done in the past or how we deal with life. No one can judge you for your sins as we are all sinners. So I'd recommend you try and talk to your sister or mother. If you feel like talking is too much for you right now, try to write a letter or e-mail them. There is no wrong way of doing this.

I'm wishing you all of good things, and that the strenght I know you have give you peace.
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Re: I just don't know any more. - January 16th 2017, 01:53 PM

I haven't completely read through all of the replies so hopefully I don't sound too repetitive.

It is not your fault. All the fault belongs on the person who harmed you in this way. That is where the blame belongs. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I know convincing yourself that it is not your fault can be a really hard battle but I hope, in time, you are able to remove the blame from yourself. That's a heavy load you don't deserve to carry.

I think right now it would be best to do what you can to make yourself comfortable. You don't have to dress up or do your hair if it makes you anxious. You don't have to shower or bathe as often if you don't want to look at yourself. It's okay to do those things for a while; I think the key of it is slowly easing back into your usual routine when you are ready so you aren't permanently doing these things.

For example, instead of avoiding a shower or a bath, cover the mirrors in your bathroom and then bring a candle or a small light into the bathroom and turn the other lights off. That way, you can't see yourself for a while but you'll get a little bit of light to see where your belongings are in the bathroom.

Maybe you could wear a comfortable pair of pants and a t-shirt so you feel safer for now. You could always ease back into your clothing later. For instance, you could wear something safe for a week and then start adding something to push you out of your comfort zone once or twice each week until you're back to how you were before.

You went through an awful experience, so give yourself all the time you need and in the meantime, remember that we are here for you.

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