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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Exclamation My Past Abuse. - January 30th 2017, 02:27 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have been thinking about my past abuse from my father especially now that he has cancer. I don't know how I should feel. A part of me feels bad for him....but he knows how bad he hurt me. His disease does not make him a better man. I want him to die....yet I want to love him. I don't know why I feel like this. The last time he abused me was around when I was 12. I don't know if I should see him....the things I went through were beyond terrifying and humiliating. I was forced to do so many outrageous things but I don't know what to do anymore.

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Re: My Past Abuse. - January 31st 2017, 12:45 PM

I think it's natural that you would feel conflicted about your father, especially now that he has cancer. This doesn't change the horrific things that you went through, and so whatever you feel is okay. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this.

Wanting your father to die may seem like a sort of justice for everything that he put you through. And yet, wanting to love him is okay too as he is your father. I can't imagine how confusing this must be for you.

It's up to you whether to see your father or not. Take your time when making this decision. If you do decide to go and see him, it might help to have someone go with you. Look after yourself in case you have any flashbacks. If you decide that you don't want to see him, that's okay too. What he did to you sounds very terrifying and you have every right to keep away from him, if that is safer and better for you.

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Re: My Past Abuse. - January 31st 2017, 09:30 PM

Holly gave you some great advice. It's normal to feel the way you're feeling and there is no particular way you should feel. There's no right or wrong. Being abused is conflicting enough, but adding the fact that your abuser has cancer probably makes it a lot more difficult.

Maybe you can write some of your feelings out, either through a blog or a journal. Regardless of whether or not you see your dad, it may help if you write a letter to him to get some feelings out. You could decide to give it to him if you do see him, or you can find some creative way to destroy it when you're done as a release.

Take care of yourself.

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