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Jess~ Offline
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it'll be a year... - February 2nd 2017, 05:56 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

as many of you know due to my excessive referrencing about it in my posts and threads, i was raped.
march 10th, 2016.
as a virgin.
it was in a hotel parking lot, just down the street from my school. i have to drive past it quite often.
it happened in the backseat of the car i drive every day.

i reported it october 3rd, 2016.
(little off topic note here... i'm worried that my case will be looked at weird because it happened 3/10/16 and i reported 10/3/16. but that's really how the time for me to report it just worked out. like i told my parents on a friday after school, and when we drove to the police station to report it, it was closed friday-sunday. that next monday, i had a free period in school, where i would have time to go and report. and it just so happened to be the 3rd of october. and in a way, seeing that number reassured me that it was the right time to report. idk, i'm afraid it seems weird and like i'm trying to make some game or social statement out of reporting it, but it just was weird to me how it lined up like that.)

now, the "anniversary" (which i put in quotations because it seems like too happy of a word to use for this) of my rape is obviously coming up, next month actually.

this may also seem kind of weird, but on that day, i've been thinking that i want to go back to the place where it happened. park in about the same place. sit in the backseat where it happened. and just... i don't know. face it.

i just feel like the longer time has gone on, i've been running from it. either denying it, or trying to hide it, or forget about it and force myself to move on.
of course, i've been going to counseling for it. but i still feel like i'm only allowing myself to feel and think so much about it. like i'm still hiding it from myself.

no way to shove it to the back of my mind when i put myself right back in the place and day it happened, right?

and i know it might seem more of a detrimental thing to do to myself than to help. and i really hope it doesn't seem like this, but i'm afraid if anyone finds out they'll perceive it as me "celebrating" or something, in whatever fucked up way they think i'd "celebrate" my fucking rape.
it's just that anniversaries and going out of your way to do something for that day seems like something people only do on happy occasions, so it was bothering me for awhile. like, should i really do this? or is this something a "normal" rape victim wouldn't do?

but i talked about it with my counselor and she said it makes sense. she brought up that people visit the graves of their loved ones on the anniversary of the day they passed away.
so that helped it make more sense to me as to why i want to do this.

during that time of my life, i didn't have my phone for awhile, so i made CDs of songs i liked at the time. now whenever i listen to those, i think of listening to them as i was hurrying to drive home because i was staying out too late with my ex -- the one who raped me.
so it really takes me back to that moment in time and who i was at that point in my life, and it makes me really uncomfortable to remember all that. all the shit leading up to the rape. just me not knowing what was to come.

but my plan is to go to the hotel, and park in the back like we always did. and sit in the backseat. listen to that CD.
and just face what has really happened to me.

with the idea of people visiting graves, i think that's how i'm going to treat this. like visiting the "grave" of the old me. the person i can't stand to think about anymore.
it's weird, but i want to write a eulogy for the person i used to be, before it happened.

it's not going to be some pity party or some thing where i'm forcing myself to hurt because i want to hurt myself like that.
i think it's going to help me work things out and, if anything, help me further with healing.
because i mean, really, if i can face my rape like that then i must have come a long way. i must be strong. right?

of course if it gets unbearable, i'll either take a break or just leave altogether. but i at least want to try.

does this seem weird at all? or does it make sense?
my counselor thinks it's actually a great idea, and she's proud of me for wanting to face it so head on like this.

i'm in no way excited about the day coming or anything. but i just can't see myself doing anything else that day. like if i go straight home, i'll just lay in bed and be depressed. i'll be thinking about it either way, so why not try to do something about it.

is there anything else i should on this day, while i'm there? other things i should do to work through what happened?
i know i definitely want to write about who i was before and what i was thinking, who i was immediately after, and who i've become through healing and learning.
i'll probably draw. write poetry. just reflect on everything.
maybe even write about who i hope to become.

i don't know, what do you guys think of this?

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
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cynefin Offline

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Re: it'll be a year... - February 3rd 2017, 04:05 AM

I see where you're coming from. I haven't been able to physically visit the places of my past but I will occasionally listen to music or force myself to look at pictures from that time. It does/did something for my healing but I couldn't figure out what it did.

It seems like you have the right mindset for doing this. You want to face it as opposed to doing it to harm yourself. You know what is right for you and you have your counselor as support, so I say you should go for it if you're up for doing it.

If it becomes difficult you could take a break like you mentioned, or you can leave and return to try again another time. One thing to consider is that it could be physically and mentally draining to visit that place. It could bring up emotions with the potential of turning dangerous, so I suggest making a safety plan and also giving yourself as much time as you can afterwards to rest.

If you decide to go visit where it happened, I hope it helps you and that it gives you what you're looking for. Feel free to keep us posted.

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