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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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UncomplicatedHymn
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Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 06:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, this happened approximately a little over a year ago. I was at a Deaf social event. I am hearing but I am semi-fluent in American Sign Language. I was chatting with someone I had not met before which was unusual. I go pretty much every week and know most of the people. Anyway, I was/am in a committed relationship. However, I have very low self esteem due to a whole slew of other issues I'm not going to get into. Anyway, the boy was showing me attention. We talked and he asked if I wanted to go to walk along the waterfront with him. I agreed, I knew he would kiss me or at least attempt to get me to cheat. I knew I probably would. So we got into his car and he started driving. I am not familiar with the area so I didn't know where we were going. We wound up in a deserted parking lot. It felt weird and I instantly regretted coming with him. But I had gotten myself into this situation. He leaned over to kiss me and I was still uneasy but let it happen. He forced me into the backseat and keep trying to take off my clothes. I signed "no" to him several times but he either didn't care or didn't see although I signed close enough for him to see. He had me pinned under his weight and put a condom on. I kept signing no and he kept ignoring me. My jeans were easily unbuttoned.
After the whole ordeal, my bf picked me up, and when he saw me crying he asked what had happened. I told him and he didn't believe me. He insisted on telling the cops which I was not comfortable because I didn't want my parents to know. He took my resistance as a sign that I lied about the whole thing. Over the course of many arguements he basically told me I could either "confess" and tell him what had happened wasn't true and that I purposefully cheated on him or he would break up with me. I am in love with him and he means the world to me. So I broke and "confessed." I am just confused and am trying to figure out if my experience was really rape. Any help/advice is appreciated.
   
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Re: Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 11:35 AM

What you experienced is most definitely rape. Someone forced you into sex; you didn't consent. That is rape.

Reporting an incident like this is a personal decision and choosing not to report it does not downplay what you went through and it doesn't seem like your boyfriend understood that. I am really sorry he said you lied but you know the truth and remember that is something no one can take away from you.

You said you didn't want your parents to know and you "confessed" so your boyfriend doesn't know what really happened that day. Keeping something like this to yourself can be difficult and emotionally draining. You don't deserve to go through this alone. Do you want to tell someone? Maybe a friend, relative, or someone else you trust? Since you're nineteen you should be able to get professional help without your parents having to know.

In the meantime, maybe you can find healthy ways to express your feelings, such as through blogging or journaling. You could also pursue your current hobbies or look for new ones.

Take care of yourself.


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Re: Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 12:34 PM

I agree with Cassado. That was rape and I am sorry that that happened to you. I am also so so so sorry that your boyfriend wouldn't believe you just because you wouldn't tell the cops (or maybe he didn't believe you any how and thought telling the cops would prove it - either way, his reaction was unacceptable, and forcing you to state that a rape was something you wanted isn't ok, it's completely disrespectful and invalidating. Most rapes go unreported for a lot of different reasons, but being too afraid to report it doesn't make it less true or less real. The fact that you originally liked his attention doesn't make it ok for him to rape you. And it's NOT your fault for going with him; you had no way of knowing that this person was going to be a rapist; you thought you were going for a walk and with 95%+ of all people that would have been true; this guy seemed nice, he seemed normal, you had no way of knowing.

I agree with what else Cassado said; it;ll really help to have someone you can talk to about this. You can talk to a friend, family member or a therapist. Self care helps take off the edge sometimes; art, music, exercising, whatever makes you feel good.




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Re: Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 05:46 PM

Hey,
First of all I am so sorry that this happened to you. What happened is most definitely rape. Because you said no and he did it anyways. Anytime you say no, and they keep going that is considered rape.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend doesn't believe you. I honestly think you should tell your parents and go to the police. This is really serious.

I hope this helped a little bit.
If you ever need to talk, vent, or need someone just to listen I am a PM/VM away.

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Re: Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 06:45 PM

First of all, I'd like to say your assailant's disability is irrelevant. You can say "no" to anyone, a blind person, a deaf person, a person in a wheelchair. No means no. It kind of bugs me as I'm deaf myself.

Anyways... I'm sorry you went through this and it's a shame your boyfriend doesn't believe you. Could you talk to a therapist or a trusted adult about this? Maybe your boyfriend is feeling like a bit of a failure. I know some guys would do anything for their girl, and having to learn they've been hurt by a stranger is probably one of the worst things they'll hear. Talk to him, don't shut him out. If he shuts you out, then keep on talking. If you feel better, write him a letter and hand it to him.

I hope things resolve themselves soon.
   
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Re: Does this qualify? - February 4th 2017, 07:50 PM

Wow, I am sincerely so sorry that this is something you had to experience. Nobody deserves this, and it's important that you know you did absolutely nothing wrong. Ugh, the reactions you got from your boyfriend honestly disgust me.

I'm not going to make this about me, but reading what you went through reminded me quite a lot of my own assault. And the things you said about not wanting your parents to know and not wanting to tell the police right away... I get it. I absolutely get it.
In fact, I thought and said those exact things as well. I didn't tell my parents or report until nearly 7 months after the fact, and I can honestly say that it was the wrong decision to wait so long.

This is serious, and while I definitely respect any feelings of concern you have about telling the cops and/or your parents, I strongly urge you to reconsider going through with reporting. It can be extremely hard and draining to do so, but if you ever want justice then reporting as soon as possible will get you the best results.
You could report without telling your parents, as you are over 18. As far as just telling your parents, I don't know many parents who wouldn't want to know about something like this and help their child out as much as possible. I thought mine would react badly and the fact that it held me back from reporting for so long is something I deeply regret.

However, whether you do those things is entirely up to you, and I wouldn't blame you either way you decide. I just strongly suggest at least reporting because knowing this person got away with a crime against you is something that could eat at you for a very long time. Forgive me if I'm putting any new worries into your mind but these are just things I still struggle with the knowledge of.

I definitely, definitely recommend getting a therapist or even talking to a school counselor about this. Look into the closest Rape Crisis Center near you and at LEAST call their hotline number to talk this out. I don't know about every center, but I know the one near me does free counseling, so that's something you could try looking into.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about this. You are strong.


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