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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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penny2199 Offline
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Question Not exactly rape or abuse but- - March 25th 2017, 03:02 PM

My father and I are very close, more than I am with my mother who has now stopped talking to me, but she still cooks food for me, buys things for me and etc.

When I was little privacy wasn't a thing, my entire family didn't care about our bodies and what others thought about it. As I grew up, I began to change in private, close the bathroom doors if I had to do something and etc.

I'm going to university soon and my dad and I have gotten closer as I one day asked him a lot of questions, mostly about him and himself. And we bonded. But after that, he started acting differently. Like asking if I had a boyfriend, which he never does, when I stayed after school or went to school early. And I did this before, but he never asked a question like that. Also I sleep with my parents. Yes I know weord- but we don't do anything. My parents don't trust me to sleep in my own room because I go on my phone at night. But that's not important. My dad touches me, but he's been doing this when I was little too. Like back rubs through my shirt. But sometimes he touches my butt, which I'm not comfortable with. It was different before. He used to make fun of me, and my mom touched my butt too just commenting how I had a big butt like her and my dad would laugh and make fun of it. But now he's touching my butt when I'm 'sleeping' and hugging me a little that I can feel his penis-ish. And I noticed it was a little hard. I'm terrified and I've been contemplating of doing something so that he can be mad at me and we'd get distant and this will all stop. I hate myself for the type of family that is a little too close. Like I need help. Advice please! This is screwed up I know, but for me I'm used to it since I grew up in this sort of way.

I really hope maybe I'm just imagining a few things.
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Re: Not exactly rape or abuse but- - March 25th 2017, 03:34 PM

I'm glad you're reaching out to us.

You said you've grown up as a close kind of family, but it does seem like some of the things you're noticing are uncharacteristic of your dad and that is a cause for concern.

I think you'd benefit if you told your dad you're uncomfortable the next time he does this. You can also say it loud enough so that your mom knows you are also uncomfortable. Do you think you'd be able to talk to your mom and tell her what you have told us? I think it is important for her to know that your dad is touching you in a way that he should not.

If your parents are concerned about you using your phone at night, maybe you can compromise with them. See if you can turn your phone off at night and leave it in your parents' bedroom until the morning. That way, they know you're not on your phone and you can sleep in your own bedroom. Should you decide to do this, however, I suggest locking your door if your door has a lock. If not, it may be worth investing in one.

If you don't want to tell your dad that you are uncomfortable and you don't think you can tell your mom, maybe you can try writing a note or speaking to someone else about what you're experiencing. You don't deserve to do this alone.

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Re: Not exactly rape or abuse but- - March 25th 2017, 10:48 PM

It's normal for people to develop their own personal boundaries as they grow up.

We start out as helpless babies who need the security and comfort of others to satisfy our needs, and there can be fear that our needs won't be satisfied. We only feel comfortable once we're assured our needs will be satisfied.

Then we learn to venture out on our own, but we always have the security of our parents and family to go back to, and we feel secure as long as we know they are there for us.

And as we grow we become more independent and we venture out more on our own.

When we reach puberty we develop a natural desire for more privacy, and with our changing bodies there's a natural developing understanding that touch can be for other things besides security, as sexual desires and understanding develop.

So it would be natural for you at your age to develop a desire to sleep on your own, separate from your parents, at least out of reach of physical touch, and it's natural to develop an uncomfortable feeling, that's just nature telling you it's time to be even more independent.

So it's all natural and normal so far and it appears the only problem is how to explain this to your parents in a way they will understand, so changes can be made. I don't know your parents so you'll have to judge that.

I would think your parents would relish the thought of sleeping alone just the two of them without a third person present, assuming they like each other and maybe they'd like to do intimate things together, which would be awkward having a third person present.

Maybe it's your parents who need to slowly adjust to not having you present so much. Perhaps you could start by sleeping on the floor, or on a separate cot, in the same room, but not in the same bed. A step in the process of moving you out of the room. Then when they're used to that, then you can move to your own room, assuming you're comfortable with the idea.

There's a book titled Human Be-ing by William Pietsch which is a quick read. There's a section in it describing the concept of "personal space." Used copies should be available for cheap as it's an old book.

When you negotiate with your parents, consider what their needs are too. They're people too with fears, insecurities, wants, desires, feelings, wishes, hopes, dreams. Keep an eye out for what those might be. (One of their desires might be to be good parents to you, if they really love you in a parental way.)

Another thing that can help in negotiation is knowing which of the 4 basic personality types each parent has. Then you can tailor your approach to that personality style. See:
Parenting and Temperament: Introduction to a Series

The 2nd to last paragraph for each temperament type starts with a sentence: "Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively with your <type> parent."

I'll just copy the tips here:
Here are some tips on communicating with your Artisan parent. Do not talk down to them. You might feel superior because you are better organized, more dependable, or more logical. Remember that you aren't better, you're simply different. Your parents have seen a lot more of the world than you have.
Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively with your Guardian parent. First, don't try to undercut their beliefs since that will just make them more stubborn. Show respect and humility and apology as is appropriate. A rebellious attitude is a sure-fire way to get them to dig in their heels. Respect the fact that they have been on the earth longer than you have and have seen lots of things you haven't. Attitude speaks much more loudly than your words.
Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively with your Idealist parent. Avoid values conflicts. Try to fit what you are wanting or needing in terms of your parent's values. If you fight with them on their values, you'll lose the battle and the war. Remember, they have had a lot more time than you have to develop their beliefs. They have good reasons for their values (maybe some bad ones too). Find and respect those reasons.
Here are some tips on how to communicate effectively with your Rational parent. Whenever possible, seek out their information and opinions in their areas of expertise, and act on it. This shows that you respect what matters to them. Probably they have some beliefs which you see as being dead wrong. Remember that they have been around a lot longer than you have and probably have good reasons for those beliefs. Find out what those reasons are before trying to debate them.
It's also possible they won't need much persuading. Maybe they'll think, "Hallelujah! She's ready to move out!"

If not, maybe the cell phone thing is the real reason, or maybe that's just an excuse and they have some deeper reason, some fear, that's holding them back from letting you sleep in your own room. Maybe they don't want to articulate the deeper fear they have, so they just settle on cell phone use as an excuse. Maybe they don't have a room to spare to make your own, or they do but they're using it for something else and they don't want to give it up and make it yours. Whatever their deeper fear is, if you can gently uncover that, then it's a lot easier to solve.

(One method I just read about is to guide them to come up with the solution themselves. This way they feel they are in control, and it's their idea so they buy into it. You get what you want, but you use their brain power and have them come up with the solution to your problem. You present them with your problem, then ask sentences which start with the words "What" or "How" until they come up with your solution. As in, "I would like to sleep alone. How can we achieve that?")[I just realized this also bypasses the awkward "I'm uncomfortable feeling dad's penis-ish." You don't have to give reasons why you want to sleep alone. If they ask for a reason, you can say it's because you are 16 and it's time.]

Best wishes! Thank you for posting! I hope all goes well for you!
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