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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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He owns my body - April 18th 2017, 10:42 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Every little instance I find that he's still alive, whether it be that he's still on twitter or that I find his favourite artist came out with a new album, or his favourite anime has updated, reminds me that he owns my body.
After the sexual assault happened I felt like I couldn't be touched. I wanted to wash the disgusting feeling away from me, countless hours in the shower.
I want to vomit everything out of my system. I'm so unpure. Unclean.
His mark stays on me like an eternal symbol etched delicately onto my genitals. It's been a year since we broke up, and a little more than a year after his assault.
He claims to own up to it in a now deleted post.
Does he know how I stay up remembering that night?
Does he know I'm up at 3am currently thinking about that night?
Does he know that I can feel a tightness in my throat as if he's gripping at it?
Does he know the amount I dissociate on the daily over what he's done?
I feel like in the future i cant ever have another sexual partner.
I feel like he's branded on me.
I feel like no one can ever touch me the way he did when I consented.
I feel like I can't find escape from this.
I wish he never happened.
But he did.
I can't breathe now. His grip on me is eternal.


And all the other colors...
are leaving this body and mind
behind.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He owns my body - April 18th 2017, 04:17 PM

This is so powerful. If you ever need to talk just message me.


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Re: He owns my body - April 18th 2017, 09:53 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Raf. Have you tried talking to someone about your abuse? It can be difficult to open up and speak about it, but maybe this will help you come to realize that your ex does not own your body. You have complete control over it. You were the one that didn't give consent and he didn't respect your wishes. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't be ashamed of your body or what it's been through.
   
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Re: He owns my body - April 19th 2017, 04:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlust. View Post
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Raf. Have you tried talking to someone about your abuse? It can be difficult to open up and speak about it, but maybe this will help you come to realize that your ex does not own your body. You have complete control over it. You were the one that didn't give consent and he didn't respect your wishes. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't be ashamed of your body or what it's been through.
I tried talking to my therapist about it but he seems to kinda doubt my abuse and assault happened just because of the gritty details about it. He doesn't confirm that it was abuse he's just like ok that happened and we never really talk about it. It's really hard.


And all the other colors...
are leaving this body and mind
behind.
   
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Re: He owns my body - April 19th 2017, 08:14 AM

Oh you're talking to a male therapist. Can you switch to a female therapist?

Also it's possible that some yoga or qi-gong could help you reown your body.
   
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Re: He owns my body - April 19th 2017, 07:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
Oh you're talking to a male therapist. Can you switch to a female therapist?

Also it's possible that some yoga or qi-gong could help you reown your body.
I had a female therapist before but she blamed me for what happened so I'd rather not go back to that.


And all the other colors...
are leaving this body and mind
behind.
   
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Re: He owns my body - April 20th 2017, 08:04 AM

Well that female certainly wasn't a good match.

Is there another female you could try?
   
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The Darkness Offline
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Re: He owns my body - April 20th 2017, 04:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
Well that female certainly wasn't a good match.

Is there another female you could try?
There should be, but I've switched therapists 3 times already and I don't want to make the director think I am just not good with people or I just am problematic or something. I have this therapist until the beginning of summer anyways and then I'll have to choose if I want another intern or a long term one outside of the clinic I go to.


And all the other colors...
are leaving this body and mind
behind.
   
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Re: He owns my body - April 20th 2017, 09:05 PM

Hi there,

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I've been through it a few people and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It's an absolutely horrible feeling especially when you think that you did something to cause it.

Just remember, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything to provoke it. It will take a bit to get back into a normal living routine. I'm still trying to get back into one from 3-4 weeks ago.

Stay strong,
Brittany



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Re: He owns my body - April 22nd 2017, 02:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Darkness View Post

I tried talking to my therapist about it but he seems to kinda doubt my abuse and assault happened just because of the gritty details about it. He doesn't confirm that it was abuse he's just like ok that happened and we never really talk about it. It's really hard.
Do you think you could try confronting your therapist about this? Perhaps you could tell him you feel as though he doubts your abuse and you can also tell him what you need for yourself and from him. For instance, you may need validation from him and you may need to talk about it in detail for yourself.

It can be hard to confront your therapist, but therapists are trained for that and therapy (depending on the therapist) can be a relatively safe place to express what you need.

You said in the beginning of summer you have to decide whether you want to continue seeing this therapist or if you'd like another outside of the clinic you go to. If you decide to see another, I hope it goes well for you.


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