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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Noire Online
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I took my abuse public and don't know how I feel - May 26th 2017, 08:23 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I haven't really talked about it on here because I'm still coming to terms with it but a couple of years ago I was emotionally abused by an ex of mine. I never admitted it was emotional abuse until recently, despite that fact that it's responsible for a lot of the tapes in my head that drive me to self-harm/suicidal ideation. He's had an enormous impact on my life in a negative way because of how he brought me down and I don't really know how to pull out of it.

Anyway, we're part of a community and two days ago on social media I posted a writing about my experience with him. I never mentioned him by name (it's against the TOU for the site) but many people knew who I was talking about. Several girls, exes of his, have written me to tell me they went through the same or similar things with him and that I am brave for writing about it openly. They tell me I can always talk to them if I need to. It was very touching, but I find I'm having trouble mustering the energy to write back.

I had no idea how deep his abuse and consent-violations went. I didn't know how many people he'd done it to. I didn't know why I didn't realize sooner that what I thought was lifelong happiness was a nightmare. He tore down everything that I was and I almost didn't realize it in time, and now I have no way to stop him. He's still a part of that community, and he always goes after the newbies, the young ones. He's such a predator and I can't warn others.

It also didn't make me feel better about my abuse like I thought it would. If anything it just made me feel heavier. The abuse seems more real. I don't know. I'm scared he'll come after me, too. I have him blocked on that site but it doesn't mean someone can't send him a copy of the writing if they wanted to. He still has my email and phone number. I don't know what to do. I just feel so wounded and it hurts so much. The person who swore they'd always protect me turned out to be a lying monster and the realization of that cuts so deep.


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Re: I took my abuse public and don't know how I feel - May 27th 2017, 01:36 PM

It must have been difficult to share your experiences in that community but it was brave of you to do so. You said you're having trouble replying to the people who messaged you in response to your post. That's okay. You don't have to reply to them right away, if at all. You can take your time to reply.

Though it could be hard to see it now, perhaps it is good that the abuse feels more real. Being able to realize things could help you process more and release more feelings you have about it. Could you talk to a friend or a therapist about it so someone can process those feelings with you?


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Re: I took my abuse public and don't know how I feel - May 27th 2017, 07:21 PM

My therapist wants to hold off on doing trauma work for the time being. As I've mentioned before there's everything to do with the assault last winter and now I've finally admitted the emotional abuse, so those are two big things to work on, perhaps with EMDR. My primary concern, though, is every time we get close to working on trauma I spiral downwards, emotionally speaking. I start having worse triggers, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks. I start having higher urges to engage in behaviors, and I did earlier this week. So I feel like there will never be a good time to work on this. I feel like it will always come with immense pain.


Love joins
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Love breaks us apart
The power to conquer here in our hearts
Enduring and sacred
Eternal as time
For love, love alone will conquer all


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Re: I took my abuse public and don't know how I feel - May 28th 2017, 02:58 PM

How were you before trauma work, before you last worked on it? Trauma work is different for everyone, but some people get nervous before the work because they associate the it with a lot of discomfort. This could mean experiencing some of the things you have mentioned. It may be worth looking into it to see if there is a connection between knowing you're starting trauma work and feeling worse. If you find that there is a connection, you could have your therapist surprise you one session with trauma work.

Some times may be better than others, but perhaps there is no good time to work on the trauma. It often does come with a lot of pain, but once you experience the pain, maybe it will lessen over all. It is difficult to get through it when you're feeling really low, though. Hopefully postponing the work for a little while will help with how you're feeling.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

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-Lao Tzu
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Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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