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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
charliemoosic Offline
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advice on reporting... - June 1st 2017, 09:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Just looking for a bit of advice really because I don't know where I stand in this.....

In summer 2011, when I was 15, I got in a relationship with a guy in my year at school but after 3 months he wasn't as nice as he used to be and started manipulating me, restricting me and controlling me. He was emotionally abusing me every day. He turned me against my family and when he found out I had to move to a city 2 hours away because of my dad's job, he was going to make me move in with him and even managed to get his mum on board with it. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends, or he'd say they were trying to break us up. I had to always be texting him if I wasn't with him at the time. I had to sit next to him in our classes together and often I couldn't even do my work in those classes because I had to talk to him and give him attention.

He also persuaded me to have sex with him throughout the relationship past these 3 months, but I didn't want it any time. The first time I only let him do it because I'd had enough of him begging for it, never shutting up about it whenever we were alone or texting. He'd say things like "if you really loved me you would" "everyone else in our year are doing it, even the couples younger than us" "you do want to be with me forever, right?" etc and guilt me into it. That first time I kept saying that I wasn't sure about it and I was scared and I didn't know if I really wanted to do it. But he talked his way around it and I eventually said "yes", agreeing to it, even though I didn't want to and it certainly didn't sound like I did want it. It was silent and he told me off for bleeding onto his bed sheet, and the second time.

Granted this only happened less than 10 times because he would only do it when he knew his house would be empty for at least an hour. I am thankful it wasn't more frequent.

He broke up with me after 8 months and i was 'heartbroken' at first but soon realised how big the world was and how free I now was. I remember a few days after the break up there was a big snow day, and I invited a neighbouring friend to walk through the fields in the snow and I cried whilst making snow angels because it was my own choice and I did it because I wanted to. Plus I was allowed to spend time with that friend.

Later in summer 2012 the girl I used to sit next to in geography started dating him and they soon broke up. Must have been a month or so. I asked her why they broke up and she told me he was starting to be controlling and manipulating towards her and she wasn't having any of it. I felt guilty because not only could I have stopped it but also sad as she was strong enough and I wasn't. They dated again for a little longer after a break but I don't know how he was with her then.

I recently learnt about what grooming really is, for adults and children, past just giving them gifts and having secrets. He matches all descriptions spot on. I could deal with it before but now I feel disgusting, ashamed, violated and small. I finally feel like I want to get something done about it but there is something holding me back.... for the last month of the relationship I was 16 and he was 15, meaning I was of consent age and he wasn't. It happened twice in that month. I'm scared of reporting it and getting into trouble for it because of the age thing (in England age of consent is 16)... I really don't know what to do. Does anybody have any advice please? Very stuck and finding it hard to get through a few hours without breaking down about the realisation of what he did :/ thank you
   
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Re: advice on reporting... - June 2nd 2017, 07:36 AM

Thank you for sharing this difficult personal story.

I take it this was your first sexual partner? Well, it can't get much worse than this, so on the bright side, it should be much better in the future.

From the description, it sounds like this guy has some huge insecurity problems, and some great deficits in socializing, and the only method he knows to pursue social goals is to be forceful, and abusive, and endlessly begging, wearing you down, which eventually worked, however the sex one gets with that method isn't very good, because the woman doesn't really want it. I'm wondering what sort of parents this guy has, what sort of family he grew up in. I'm wondering if he grew up in an abusive family, with abusive parents, and that's where he learned to be abusive. Or, maybe his parents are nice, and can't figure out why he's so socially inept.

Anyway, he appears to be good at manipulating people, turning you against your family. That's gotta take some talent to pull that off. Preventing you from talking with your friends is again a way of keeping you away from anyone who might point out the obvious and talk sensibly to you. Him needing you to sit next to him in class sounds like he's insecure, and he's compensating for it by forcefully demanding what he needs. (As in, "I must have my teddy bear and security blanket!") He needed constant attention and talking to, to compensate for his insecurity.

Then him yelling at you for bleeding on the sheets (as if you could control it), when any normal guy would instead be, "Woopee! I had sex! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Well this guy has a very short fuse, anger issues, over all he's a very mentally damanged person.

It's not your job to care for him.

There are adults who make it their career to help mentally damaged people like this. Ultimately he has to heal himself. He could use some guidance. Probably a lot of guidance. It's not your job. Don't take it on.

You can focus on healing yourself. Which it sounds like you've already started the process, with that walk in the snow, and the crying. That's the mind/body healing itself.

The next feelings are again a part of the mind/body healing itself. Feeling disgust, feeling shame, feeling violated, and feeling small. Let yourself feel those feelings. It's all part of the process.


I don't know the details of how things are in the UK. Here where I am a 16 year old can visit a therapist/counselor/psychologist without parents knowing (I just learned that today!). A therapist / counselor / psychologist / life coach / church pastor / whoever you feel comfortable talking with, or any friend, or anyone here at TeenHelp, whatever it takes, whatever help you need, whatever encouragement you need, whatever reassurance you need. That guy isn't typical. Most guys are going to be infinitely kinder, gentler, happier that you give them attention, they won't be needy or clingy, they will enjoy your company, and will be truly concerned that you are enjoying yourself, not just concerned with themselves. Having a counselor to talk to periodically can help ensure one is having healthy relationships (which is one reason I see my counselor).

Again I don't know about the UK. My personal opinion is I seriously doubt anyone cares that you and someone very close to your age had sex. My personal opinion is they care much more that you recover from this traumatic relationship, that you receive whatever help would be beneficial in assisting your recovery from that trauma, so you can eventually go on to develop healthy normal relationships in the future; and they care that this young guy, who I'm guessing from the description has some serious emotional issues, they would want him to get the help he needs, which would involve assessing him, determining what his problems are, figuring out a treatment plan for him, maybe getting him in some sort of program, I don't know, it really depends on what's available, and who's available, and I don't know about the UK system, other than I bet it's better than what we have over here. He's lucky if he hasn't developed any drug addiction problems yet. If not, he sure sounds like a candidate for it. He may end up in some drug rehab program soon. Who knows. I recently determined I'm really bad at predicting these things.

So my suggestion is, find some recovery for yourself, find a counselor, someone you can talk to, someone you can safely tell your story to, and tell them this guy also needs help, and is it somehow possible to get this guy the help he needs? (It may be a case of No, he has to ask for it himself, unless he turns to drugs, and gets himself arrested. Then he'll get the help he needs.)

Best wishes. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I sincerely hope your future relationships go much better. I can't imagine them going any worse!

   
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Re: advice on reporting... - June 2nd 2017, 01:06 PM

Hi Charlie,

This must have been incredibly difficult for you to go through. You said you're having trouble with the realization of what he did to you and that is normal. Though these feelings you're experiencing may be unpleasant, they could be needed for you to slowly come to terms with what happened.

You're brave for wanting to report the abuse. I don't know about laws in the UK either, but something that may help is having support of those important to you. Have you told anyone in your life about what you went through? If not, do you think that is something you would feel comfortable doing? When you report abuse it definitely does help to have other people support you.

Another thing that may help is having coping skills put in place for you if reporting is triggering. For instance, if you have a counselor, you can look into extra appointments. You could have things planned to keep you busy; you can take walks, watch movies, take care of pets, or clean to name a few.

Lastly, you may benefit from preparing yourself for what reporting could bring to the surface. It could bring up uncomfortable feelings, you could have to talk in detail about what happened, and it may or may not go to trial. It is important to prepare for different outcomes because although some are upsetting, the outcomes don't downplay what you went through.

Best of luck through the reporting process and you're more than welcome to keep us updated. I am here if you need anything.


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Re: advice on reporting... - June 3rd 2017, 11:34 AM

I'm really sorry to hear that the guy you were with was manipulative and controlling. Understandably when things ended you would've felt heartbroken over him, only after some time to realise everything that had happened. And to also see this almost happening to someone else can be alarming too.

You don't have to feel guilty about it though. You weren't aware of how manipulative this person was with you, more so when his family were involved as well.

He should never have pressured you into sex at all, and you are right that his behaviour does sound like grooming. Even though you were of the age of consent and he wasn't, it was only for the last month. The Sexual Offences 2003 law was put in place to protect young people from being taken advantage of. In other words, the greater the age gap (between someone under and at or over the age of consent), the more likely is it to be severely punished. No-one can say for sure what may happen in your case, but I doubt it would be anything severe. That said, you may want to check out Victim Support and Rape Crisis to see if they can give you more information and support on reporting what you went through.

Best of luck and keep us updated if it helps!


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Last edited by Celyn; June 4th 2017 at 09:23 AM.
   
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Re: advice on reporting... - June 7th 2017, 11:59 AM

thankyou for your replies.

on saturday i went to my nearest ymca counselling centre (which are called centre 33 across the country i believe) and saw somebody at drop-in. she said that any other girls involved with him are not my problem and it's down to them to sort it out as they're old enough now (he's 21 now). she said that i could report him if i wanted to but the long wait and lack of evidence would make it highly unlikely that something would be done about it. she said that my main focus is to get myself better.
   
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Re: advice on reporting... - June 8th 2017, 06:23 AM

The person you talked to is correct. You hold no responsibility for reporting and if anyone tries to tell you that they are absolutely incorrect. The other woman he gets/has gotten into relationships with are responsible for themselves and reporting is a very personal thing.

I also agree with this lady about reporting. I mean, you definitely can still report the crime but it is very likely that absolutely nothing will happen because of lack of evidence and, if there is a statute of limitations and it has run out then there wouldn't be much the police could do. If you did report the crime, it wouldn't necessarily be for nothing even if the person didn't get in trouble because the police could use the report to show a pattern if other girls came forward. However, I can say from experience that it is quite heartbreaking to file a report and have absolutely nothing happen. Also, the investigation that might take place can end up consuming your life.

If you want to press charges/file a report than you shouldn't let anything stop you but you definitely have to be able to accept that the report might not result in much of anything happening.

It can be empowering to press charges even if nothing happens but it can also take a whole lot out of you and it can stunt a persons ability to work through the trauma.


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Re: advice on reporting... - June 8th 2017, 11:47 AM

Like it's been said, you can definitely report if you want to, even if there is a lack of evidence and a long wait. The woman you spoke to said your focus is getting yourself better and some people heal a lot through reporting their abuse (even if there isn't much the police can do). The act in itself can be healing.

Maybe you can sit down and take some time to think about whether or not reporting it would help you heal. If you think it will, go for it. It can be disappointing to report and have nothing done, so it will probably help to prepare yourself for the different outcomes and know that the outcome of reporting does not discredit what you went through in any way.


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