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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Jess~ Offline
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i don't think i'll ever forgive myself - June 10th 2017, 04:19 AM

i was raped in march 2016 and didn't report it until october 2016.

the case didn't really get any work done on it until january of this year and in may my investigator wanted me to start trying to contact my rapist.
i texted him and we waited for hours until he finally sent me home and told me to contact him if he ever replied. a few weeks after that i learned that my rapist no longer had a phone, so i can't contact him that way.

i had given up all hope until i remembered i had his email, and i was so happy because i thought there was no way he wouldn't get an email. so i got the okay from my investigator to email the guy, but immediately after i sent it i got an error message that he can only receive emails from certain people or something like that.
just something is wrong with his account. funny thing is, i tried to email him on two of my separate email accounts and neither one would work.

so now i'm completely lost. trying to talk to him was the only chance for evidence we had, since i was a fucking idiot and waited 7 months to report.
it sucks because i've made so much progress emotionally through counseling and working through this. yet i truly think i'll always hate myself for this one thing.
being raped was out of my control, but reporting it wasn't. why did i have to fuck up the one thing that i had control over?

how can i ever even forgive myself for this.
i forgave myself for the rape because it wasn't my fault, but this is all my fault.

p.s. i feel extra alone in this because i don't have anyone to talk to. literally no one. i went to my final counseling session this past tuesday, but now i'm wondering if i should schedule another or just call her? i really don't want to be annoying to her or for her to think i just never want to leave counseling. but i'm on the bridge of an anxiety attack right now and have been sobbing for the past hour. i'm just so alone.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: i don't think i'll ever forgive myself - June 10th 2017, 06:33 AM

Hey,

Firstly, I want you to know how brave of you it was to come forward about the rape. It is never easy to report sexual assault. I know how hard it can be to realize that the person might get away with the rape. I know I struggled with this when I realized that the people who abused me were basically getting a free pass. The feelings such as guilt associated with this do, usually, get better with time.

I suppose, that technically, you did have control over reporting it...but I am sure you were dealing with quite a lot of emotions after the rape took place. And, when people are dealing with intense and conflicting emotions they don't always react the way they normally would.

If you need someone to vent to please feel free to message me. Also, I am wondering if you can find a support group for people who have experienced rape? It might help you cope a little bit better with all of this and it might also help you to feel less alone.


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Re: i don't think i'll ever forgive myself - June 10th 2017, 09:22 AM

You're not done with counseling yet,

and could use a lot more,

and maybe a support group, if one exists nearby.

That guy probably has a lot more problems. (Anyone who doesn't have a phone likely has problems.) You don't have to take it upon yourself to balance the moral books.

(I think this is called the "second arrow" in Buddhism. We get shot with an arrow. Ouch that hurts! Then we stab ourselves with a second arrow. — The first arrow was unavoidable. The second arrow we did to ourselves.

The Buddhists then kindly suggest we stop stabbing ourselves with the second arrow.

The first arrow was you got raped. Unavoidable. The second arrow is you're upset at yourself that you didn't report the rape for 7 months. You're taking on the burden of balancing the moral books. And it's making you miserable. There's only one way out of this misery. Recognize this pain is the second arrow.

(Just Google "second arrow".)


[I'm very sorry this happened to you. Please continue counseling. You're far from finished. The good news is you're halfway there! Best wishes.]
   
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Re: i don't think i'll ever forgive myself - June 11th 2017, 09:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~ View Post
Hey,

Firstly, I want you to know how brave of you it was to come forward about the rape. It is never easy to report sexual assault. I know how hard it can be to realize that the person might get away with the rape. I know I struggled with this when I realized that the people who abused me were basically getting a free pass. The feelings such as guilt associated with this do, usually, get better with time.

I suppose, that technically, you did have control over reporting it...but I am sure you were dealing with quite a lot of emotions after the rape took place. And, when people are dealing with intense and conflicting emotions they don't always react the way they normally would.

If you need someone to vent to please feel free to message me. Also, I am wondering if you can find a support group for people who have experienced rape? It might help you cope a little bit better with all of this and it might also help you to feel less alone.
i did have a lot of emotions running through my head. i don't want to blame it on them, because i also had control over whether or not i listened, but i also had my friends telling me not to tell my parents and report it (i had to tell my parents in order for me to be able to report it, because at that time i was also grounded and could not have reported it without their knowing. two of my closest friends urged me not to tell my parents, while my best friend was the only one telling me i should. those two close friends were trying to push my best friend away from me at the time, so i doubted her because i was an idiot and a horrible friend.
i also feel really guilty, because my close friends were only telling me not to tell my parents because of how bad i told them my home life was. and it was bad at times, don't get me wrong. but i feel like i exaggerated the stories too much.
i suppose that's all irrelevant now, but now i'm obsessing over all those small decisions i made back then.

i tried a support group and it actually only made me feel even more alone. all the other members were able to open up, cry in front of each other, and they all became good friends. i just was never able to become socially comfortable in the group. i don't want to say they made fun of me, but they pointed out that i was quiet almost every single meeting. not in a bad way, but a teasing way. it wouldn't have made me feel so bad, but i was bullied for being quiet and so now when i'm in situations where i can't help but be quiet, and someone points it out, it really hurts.

i will try talking to some people, though. idk. thank you for the offer, i will keep that in mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by del677 View Post
You're not done with counseling yet,

and could use a lot more,

and maybe a support group, if one exists nearby.

That guy probably has a lot more problems. (Anyone who doesn't have a phone likely has problems.) You don't have to take it upon yourself to balance the moral books.

(I think this is called the "second arrow" in Buddhism. We get shot with an arrow. Ouch that hurts! Then we stab ourselves with a second arrow. The first arrow was unavoidable. The second arrow we did to ourselves.

The Buddhists then kindly suggest we stop stabbing ourselves with the second arrow.

The first arrow was you got raped. Unavoidable. The second arrow is you're upset at yourself that you didn't report the rape for 7 months. You're taking on the burden of balancing the moral books. And it's making you miserable. There's only one way out of this misery. Recognize this pain is the second arrow.

(Just Google "second arrow".)


[I'm very sorry this happened to you. Please continue counseling. You're far from finished. The good news is you're halfway there! Best wishes.]
i'm sorry but i don't really appreciate being told that i'm far from finished with counseling. i have done so much work and gotten through so much from counseling. i am a completely different person from who i was before. this is literally the only remaining issue i have with the rape. so please don't tell me that i have a lot more work to do, because i really don't know what else i could do to improve my life. i have goals, i am my own support system, and i can work through my issues much better now. this is the only time i haven't been able to.
i chose to stop going. mostly because my counselor was pushing me to stop, because she felt i was 100% better. and i didn't want to stay around and be a bother to her.
that being said, i did feel like i was better. i still do, honestly. this is just a setback. i just don't know if it is a setback worth making another appointment for.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: i don't think i'll ever forgive myself - June 12th 2017, 08:16 AM

My apologies. I should work to be more sensitive.

I'm glad you have benefited from the counseling.

I see the support group was not a good fit for you. That's OK. It works for some people, not for everyone. Thank you for trying it.

Your counselor felt you were 100% better?
You felt you were a bother to her?

I don't know your counselor, but would she be willing to see you again if you asked for another appointment?

I once was assigned a counselor who actually didn't work out for me at all. He made me feel worse every time I saw him. He complained I didn't have any problems for him to solve, that I was wasting his time, and resources, when there were other people out there who needed help more than I did.

I saw him 3, maybe 4 times, and then I quit, feeling really bad that I wasn't broken enough for him to bother with. I've continued to see other counselors in the following 2 years on a weekly basis. They have all been very helpful. That one guy just wasn't a good fit for me. (I'm a little suspicious if he was a good fit for anybody, but not my job to pass that kind of judgement on him.)

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