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chrissy2009 Offline
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Unhappy Bad Thoughts - June 13th 2017, 12:35 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Over 10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, bipolar, and PTSD due to rape from my Uncle and Brother... I started to get get passed that. I currently have 4.0 GPA in college at the age of 30.... It kills me that i'm that old and just now taking a step in my life.....

HOWEVER, when I have a few drinks, I have rape fantasies. I want my fiance of 8 years to rape me. How do I tell him that? I have these images of him attacking me... I know it's not normal but I can't help it. It must be from the trauma. How am I... as someone going to school to become a counselor supposed to overcome rape after these many years, if it now turns me on?

It confuses me... How to I get rid of that fantasy. I know it's not normal!
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Re: Bad Thoughts - June 13th 2017, 08:31 AM

Thank you for writing.

While I do not have an answer for this specific question, I can point you in one direction if you would like to do a little reading which may be helpful and enlightening.

Have a look at the book by Norman Doidge, M.D., The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science (2007), Chapter 4: Acquiring Tastes and Loves: What Neuroplasticity Teaches Us About Sexual Attraction and Love.

He is a very interesting writer. (Indeed the whole book may be fascinating, especially if you plan to become a counselor.)

"An emotion that we think inherently unpleasureable, such as sadness, can, if beautifully and s
ubtly articulated in music, literature, or art, feel not only poignant but sublime." The brain can rewire itself, and form pathways that link "painful sensations they had endured to their sexual pleasure systems, resulting in a new composite experience, voluptuous pain."

I don't have an answer for you, but reading your post reminded me of this chapter in this book.

The other thought I have, is I notice the desire to push away this fantasy and get rid of it, which would be the natural traditional reaction, I understand. The other option, comes from the realm of Meditation, (and possibly from Buddhist philosophy, I'm not clear on where the idea originates), but the idea in meditation is instead of pushing away what we don't want, we instead go into a calm, state of simply observing what it really is, fully examining it, fully examining this feeling, where in our body do we feel it (does it have a location? Maybe it doesn't have a location), what does this desire feel like? In this state we are not judging it, we are simply observing it, becoming familiar with it, noticing it, (you'll have to consult better guides on meditation than me, I'm just reciting from memory what I've heard others say). The idea is instead of pushing away, we do the opposite, and,...

Well I'm not very good at describing how or why this works. Or exactly what it is that's being done. I just recall the phrase, "What we resist, persists". The more we resist something, the stronger it gets? So we do the opposite instead, we don't resist it, we, embrace it and accept it? so it doesn't persist? (Or something like that?) (I'm not sure!)

You're going to be a great fantastic counselor! No simple easy panacea solutions for you to hand out. You'll have some real life experiences, with real life weird brain plasticity experiences, where you've experienced first hand having a strong fantasy of wanting to be raped, so next time a client comes to you saying, "I have this weird fantasy I actually want to be raped," you can say, "I've actually had first hand experience with that. Let me tell you what I learned." You'll be in high demand with all the knowledge you're about to gain from this experience!

Sorry I have no idea what happens with combined depression, bipolar, PTSD, and rape. That sure is a lot to deal with!

The best I can offer is to suggest chapter 4 of the book above as a starting point where you might find at least a plausible explanation of what's going on.
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Bad Thoughts - June 14th 2017, 04:06 PM

I'm sorry to hear about the rape and that you have PTSD among other diagnoses. That said it is fantastic that you have a GPA of 4.0! I know that when mental health gets in the way of our lives it can be frustrating, especially when we think we are in some way 'behind' people our own age. But learning is a lifelong process and there's no shame in being 30 and taking steps to move on with your life now...the main point is that you are taking those steps!

Rape fantasies are quite common, even for those that haven't been raped. That said I do understand that it can feel very conflicting to have such a fantasy and yet relate it to past experiences. You may find it helpful to talk to your fiancť about the fantasy and your feelings. Perhaps he can reassure you that he isn't going to attack you, and that if you have a few drinks, that he isn't going to fulfil those fantasies (especially since drinking and consent can get tricky). There's nothing wrong with having fantasies, but when they start to upset you then it's good to talk about them.

It's lovely to see that you are in school to become a counsellor. But that doesn't mean that you should push your feelings and concerns aside. I'm wondering if you would feel comfortable talking to a counsellor about the fantasies? There's no shame in training to be a counsellor and having counselling at the same time (it's a requirement on some courses!). What matters most is that you look after yourself!

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