TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Angie.Mel Offline
Angie (Ang) Mel
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Angie.Mel's Avatar
 
Name: Angie
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Pacific NW

Posts: 5
Join Date: June 16th 2017

Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help) - June 16th 2017, 06:15 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Background:

My ex boyfriend sexually abused me. He didn't rape me though, or that would be easier to tell because it would be more his fault than mine. However, every single sexual thing in our 4 year relationship was coerced, with severe emotional consequences if I said no. He was constantly pressuring me and I was constantly begging him to slow down. He would sometimes, but briefly. I was allowed to say slow down. And I was allowed to say no, I just couldn't mean it.

Now, I've been having emotional/body flashbacks. I've been drinking more, and struggling with shame/depression/anger.

My current long-term boyfriend is trustworthy and knows about the emotional abuse, just not the sexual aspects of it. It feels like I'm lying to him by omitting it. But it also feels like it's not his problem. I feel like I'm dying inside, but I also feel like it's my own responsibility to go to a therapist or something, not his to deal with it.

Questions:

Should I even tell him?
What are the pros and cons?
Will it totally ruin our sex life forever if I do?

What was your experience telling a significant other?
How did they react?
Did they ever get over it?
Did it affect your sex life?

If I should tell him, how?
And how much detail?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
Verbal venom.

TeenHelp Addict
************
 
cynefin's Avatar
 
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Location: 1261'

Posts: 9,746
Blog Entries: 1469
Join Date: August 25th 2012

Re: Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help) - June 17th 2017, 12:54 PM

It may help to tell your boyfriend about your sexual abuse especially because you're struggling right now. Telling your boyfriend could give you the chance to increase the support you receive.

You said you don't feel like it is his responsibility to cope with it but as long as he is with you it could help for him to know if something like this is impacting you. Some people in therapy tell their significant other as well.

If you do tell him and you don't want to verbalize it, you could write a note. Or you could tell him you'd like to talk about something and pick a certain time to talk. The details are up to you, but you could tell him how it makes you feel and let him know if there's anything he can do to help.

I haven't really had experience with much in the way of dating so I have not told anyone but I know of people here who have told their significant other and they could have additional advice.


Articles & Resources Officer|Lead Moderator|Senior Newsletter Editor
The mountains are calling and I must go.
1941-2016

Nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished
-Lao Tzu
Memories made in the mountains stay in our hearts forever
Move the body, quiet the mind
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Always * Offline
Member
I can't get enough
*********
 
Always *'s Avatar
 
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Hogwarts

Posts: 3,186
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: April 12th 2012

Re: Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help) - June 18th 2017, 01:45 AM

My ex was like your ex. He was controlling and manipulative in other areas of our relationship and even stole my credit card. I didn't even realize how abusive he was until later because I had bad self esteem going in, so I just thought "well, it's true..." and didn't really think I deserved better, but it got to the point that I was leaving my phone at home when I went out to avoid him texting me every 30 seconds and phobimg to demand why I didn't answer quick enough. He would force me ta have sex with him if I said no, by manipulating me but then criticize me when I showed now interest and basically just waited for it to me over. . Sex sometimes hurt a lot too, so sometimes I'd even be in pain waiting for it to be over. Even when I did try, like being on top or with oral, he'd criticize that to and make me feel like I was no good.. Basically, he sucked. I guess I was lucky insofar as I was booking up with another guy who was obviously into having sex with me before my current boyfriend so I was able to work though a lot of my issues surrounding intimacy before I was invested in my current relationship and worried abut what would happen. My boyfriend knows about it, just not in great detail because it's honestly soooo uncomfortable telling your current boyfriend about the gory details with an ex. But he's never cared.

I think you'll find that if you tell your boyfriend that it's going to be ok. He might be uncomfortable to be reminded you've had sex with someone else - you ddon't my really want to envision it even if you know it though be true - but I think it's important he knows that sexual abus is part of your past so he understands if you get wigged out by sex sometimes or are deslimg with other emotional repercussions. If he's a good guy, which he sounds like, you should give him a chance to support you because I know it'll strengthen your relationship for him to understand how you are about things. Holding it inside and thinking it'll stop on its own isn't a good idea. Take it from the master of internalizing. It's not good. You want the be able to communicate things if only to briefly xplaim it knowing you can say "I'm having a bad day" and be understood




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
.:Bibliophile:. Offline
PM me anytime!

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
.:Bibliophile:.'s Avatar
 
Gender: Just me

Posts: 16,206
Blog Entries: 1706
Join Date: January 18th 2009

Re: Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help) - June 18th 2017, 05:58 AM

Telling a partner about this should not impact your sex life negatively. If your partner is supportive, telling him about what you went through could actually strengthen your sex life. The reason I say this is that talking to him about the abuse will allow him to understand that at times sex might be to triggering or there might be certain things that you won't be able to do, sexually, because they trigger you. I think that telling my boyfriend about the abuse I experienced helped strengthen our sex lives because it made him more in-tuned to my triggers.

Best of luck.


|Lead Moderator|Newsletter Officer|
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Wonderlust Offline
Member
Junior TeenHelper
****
 
Wonderlust's Avatar
 
Name: Sunny
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Location: Here and there

Posts: 213
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: June 10th 2017

Re: Should I tell my bf about my ex sexually abusing me? (stories about your experiences would help) - June 19th 2017, 07:21 PM

It may help to tell your boyfriend about your sexual abuse because you could get some more support.

If you don't want to say it directly to him, you could write him a note or send him a video message. But it would definitely be a good idea to tell him, this increases your support and your level of communication.

I have never been sexually abused but I have been through some weird and uncomfortable sexual encounters and situations with people, and when I told my boyfriend it really helped. I hope it goes well for you. PM me if you need to talk.




Life's a tough b**ch, but you are tougher. Go show it who's boss. <lots of love and hugs>
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
abusing, experiences, sexually, stories

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.