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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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it's one of the hard days - August 9th 2017, 08:48 PM

recently my detective told me that there's nothing else he can really do with my case where i reported my rapist. he talked to all of my friends that i told, and eventually he talked to my rapist too. he said unfortunately, since he's still a minor, he opted to have his parents there with him and so he thinks that threw off the interview.
he's not closing the case though, because in january he turns 18, so my detective wants to talk to him again without his parents just to see. he said my rapist said he would take a polygraph test but his parents told him no, so i think he's going to try for that.
i'm scared because he is legitimately a psychopath. like i'm not just saying that because he's a rapist, but he has literally all of the characteristics of a psychopath. many people, on separate occasions, have told me he sounds like one. one of the qualities of being a psychopath is being able to lie perfectly, and i've heard some even begin to believe those lies themselves. so i feel like he could possibly pass the test.
but even if he does fail it, i don't know how reliable that will be. from what i've heard, polygraphs aren't really taken that seriously as evidence, because they can be failed by innocent people and passed by guilty people.


anyway. my detective said that without a doubt, after talking to my rapist, he knows he's guilty and that i'm telling the truth, just based on our behaviors. so that was validating.
he told me he doesn't want me to blame myself for any part of this, but of course that's sort of unavoidable. i mean, obviously if i reported it the day it happened, there would be physical evidence and everything. all the reasons i had back then for not reporting it, they just sound like bullshit to me now, knowing what i know.
i can't forgive myself.


i've also really been thinking about how my dad never even talked to me about what happened. when i told my parents, i only told my mom, because she was the only one who could make it to my school. (i had to have the counselor be there with me because i was so scared.)
when we went home, she told my dad, and he left the house immediately. my mom said he went to the store, but i think he just had to blow off some steam and get away to think.
a few days later he told me "this weekend we'll talk about what your mom told me."
but that talk never came. i'll admit that i avoided him that weekend, but i assumed he'd call me into his room or something, like he's always done for serious conversations. but that call never came either. and i can't help but feel like that's my fault too. i feel like i owe my dad to hear the story from me, but now i don't know if it's too late.
it's been over a year since the rape happened, but less than a year since i told my parents about it. which is still a long time.

a few weeks after it happened he said i should watch this movie on Netflix. i had a feeling it was about rape so i asked what it was about. and he said just girls in school and bullying and stuff like that.
well, it was about rape. and i knew if he was watching stuff like that too, it meant it was still really bothering him. i feel like my dad needs to talk about it, but idk if he's over it now and if i'm too late.

even if i wasn't too late, i have no idea how to start that conversation. i don't think i can.
my brother just started going to my old school today. he texted me that he has a class with my rapist. it took me 30 minutes of stalling to even tell my mom that. there's no way i can talk about it directly to either of my parents.

i don't even know why it's bothering me so much. i guess since the case is basically over now, and barely anyone has talked about it, it just feels like this huge secret that has been swept under the rug and forgotten about.
and maybe it's better if it's forgotten about. but i know that will never be possible for me to do.


i feel like i know i should go back to counseling, but i really don't want to. i don't want to get stuck going back there. i feel like my counselor didn't like me, and is glad she doesn't have to see me anymore. i feel like she got tired of me, and towards the end i remember just telling her everything was okay, just so i could be done with it. it kind of seemed like if i did bring up even little struggles i was having, she would downplay them and insist i was doing so much better.
and she was probably right, there was probably a part of me holding me back in that victim mindset. but yeah i'm just been avoiding making that call. i'm going to feel so stupid going back in there.
but i don't feel like i can switch to another counselor there either. for one, it will be quicker and easier if i go to a counselor who already knows me and my past and everything. and second, i'm afraid of going there and having her see me with another counselor. she'd obviously be offended.

at this point i really don't know what i'm going on about with this. but yeah, it's just one of those hard days dealing with it.


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Re: it's one of the hard days - August 10th 2017, 12:49 PM

It must be difficult to have heard that nothing much can be done on your case. Hopefully something comes up when the detective interviews him when he turns eighteen, but if not, know that it doesn't reflect on you. Only so much can be done for rape and abuse cases regardless of when they were reported. Even if the case does not move forward, your rapist will have to live with himself for the rest of his life. He will probably frequently wonder what would happen if the case does move forward now or several years from now. It isn't the same as being held accountable for his actions but it could be a little bit of justice.

Though it's hard knowing that your case is at a little bit of a standstill now and you're having trouble forgiving yourself for not reporting earlier, justice can be served in other ways. You can't go back in time to make yourself report the rape earlier, but you can continue to work on yourself to live a healthier life. You can add to all the work you have already done so far.

It is good that the detective knows you are telling the truth even if he can't move forward yet. That is validating and it might help for you to hold onto that. Detectives study behavior and body language and he knows what what you said is completely true.

Maybe you can try talking to your dad. It might help give you some closure. You could outright talk to him, or leave him a note. You could tell him you want to talk about something and ask him what a good time would be so he can kind of lead with it instead. And if you do talk you can let him know that you want to tell him what happened.

It's frustrating when counselors minimize things and downplay them to make it seem like you're doing so well. You said you don't want to switch and see someone else, so maybe you can go back to her and tell her how you feel about her minimizing and downplaying things. You could also explain how you feel like she's glad you're gone and you said whatever you needed to say to be done with counseling. It can be hard to talk to your counselor about something like that but many counselors are trained to not take offense to something like that and if she is a good counselor, you should be able to work through how you feel and strengthen your therapeutic relationship.

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Re: it's one of the hard days - August 11th 2017, 01:45 AM

Pressing charges and knowing nothing can be done due to not reporting it right away can be really discouraging but it definitely isn't your fault. I didn't report my abuse for years and kind of blamed myself for a while because if I had been able to report it when it was happening or something the people in question might have gotten into trouble.

I think that no matter what happens, hold on to what the detective said about knowing something happened. The detective on my case basically said the same thing. She said she knew something happened but without the evidence and the ability to search their house etc there was no way to prove it. For some reason, knowing that the detective believed me has helped. It might be because so many people were trying to prove I was lying.

That being said, it's possible that your detective will be able to get a confession out of him when he no longer has his parents in the room. I don't know that the polygraph could be used in court but if he were to fail (there are people who do pass even though they are guilty) the detective could and probably would use the fact that he failed to try and get him to admit it.

As for your dad, it is really hard for family members to deal with the abuse of their children. I know my dad has had a really hard time dealing with it and it still bothers him to a certain extent. It also bothers my brothers. No one in my family mentions it but when I mention the name of my abusers or of their children it gets really awkward. There were a few times where my dad and I would talk about it and one of my brothers and I talked about it but in general they all ignore it. I, personally, think this is their way of coping. If they don't talk about it they don't have to really acknowledge that it happened. I also know that for a lot of parents they feel like they failed their child when they find out they were hurt in some way. My dad has actually admitted this to me. So, it is very possible that your dad is dealing with guilt.

The other thing to consider is that while your dad might not be talking to you about it he might be talking to your mom. I know my siblings have talked to my dad about what happened to me and I think my dad has talked a bit with his partner. Some of the reason they do this is because they think they are protecting me and don't want to upset me by bringing it up.

I am not sure what your relationship is like with your dad but you might be able to just tell him something along the lines of "It's okay if we talk about what happened. It won't upset me too much." I think if he hears that it might help. He might also be struggling with how to discuss this with you so if you give him the 'go ahead' to talk about it it might end up helping.

I really hope that this helped in some way. I know each person and each family is different so I don't know if everything I said will be helpful.


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Re: it's one of the hard days - August 13th 2017, 09:42 AM

That psychopath part sounds the scariest of all!

I hope you let the police know that he's a psychopath so they keep him on their radar.

If counseling helps then certainly go back.

You can chose a new counselor. I switch counselors about once a year, just because I feel I've gotten all I can out of one after a year, and it's time for a new one who may be able to tell me something new.

A counselor shouldn't be upset at all if a patient of theirs switches to a different counselor. (They aren't very good if they get upset by something like that, and they need counseling.) A counselor has so many patients they shouldn't care if one of those many patients switches to someone else.

Plus switching doesn't mean they aren't any good. It might just mean you've seen them and gotten everything you can out of them, and it's time to move on to someone else who can give a fresh perspective.

One thing about the brain and how it works; thinking a thought strengthens and reinforces that thought. So if you're frequently thinking about the rape and this psychopath, it's going to strengthen those thoughts. It can become an endless spiral, of thinking about it, which strengthens the thoughts, which makes one want to think more about it, because the thought is so strong.

It's also possible to make the opposite happen. You can consciously forbid yourself to think about it, especially if you know you've already thought about it so much that thinking a little more about it isn't going to produce any new useful results.

When you reach that point, then you can consciously work on not thinking about it. Whenever the thought drifts into your mind, and you realize you are thinking about it again, let that thought go and switch to thinking about something else. Keep doing this over and over, everytime the thought comes up.

If it helps, you could assign a particular time of day when you allow yourself time to think about this, and forbid yourself from thinking about it outside that time slot. Believe there's nothing you can think of now, that you won't be able to think of later when it's the proper time to think about it.

Doing this, over and over, eventually the thought will weaken in the brain and become less significant. You'll eventually find yourself not thinking about it as much. The brain will get the message that this brain real estate here that's used to think about this topic isn't getting much use anymore, and it will eventually decide to commandeer that unused part of the brain and put it to use for something else.

That's how one can get a troubling thought to go away. It takes a bit of work and perseverance, but it works in the long run, and people notice the thought just doesn't seem to come up as much anymore. You can reverse the direction of that spiral. Think less about it, the thought becomes weaker, and the thought doesn't come up as much, and you think even less about it.

A few related techniques to assist this "focusing the mind practice" is Yoga, Tai-Chi, Qi-Gong, or any type of meditation--guided meditation, Mindfulness Meditation, etc. Even chanting, which some groups do, such as Buddhist groups sometimes do this changing thing. It sort of floods the mind and pushes out other thoughts, giving the brain a needed break from endless thinking about things. Many different yet similar ways to achieve this. Go to the beach and lay out in the sun. Or anything like that.

The more you don't think about it, the more it will fade away and become less significant, and the more free you are from the bondage of these thoughts.

I hope someone has also told you of any support groups in town. This rape thing happens so often I am just shocked to learn how often it happens. Probably 25% of the women around you have been sexually assaulted at least once in their life. It's horrible! I used to think it was a rare thing, like maybe one in a thousand woman, but it's far, far worse than I'd like to admit.

(At the same time, many innocent people are being accused of things they never did. It goes both ways! Once a police report gets written, even if it's by a "Mandatory Reporter" who believes there is very little merit to the report but they have to report it anyway or risk losing their job and going to jail for not reporting something, so they file a report, and the person mentioned in the report might be totally innocent, but once there's a police report, the innocent person gets railroaded and everyone thinks their guilty until proven innocent. The person might lose their job, or even go to jail. They might be arrested simply because they've been charged with a crime they never committed. Once in jail they may spend days or weeks there, unable to defend themselves, and the longer they stay, the more guilty they appear. Plus their mental health deteriorates. By the time it's determined they are actually innocent, they've already spent a lengthy time in jail for nothing. It may have also cost them thousands of dollars to hire an attorney. Once their job hears they've been arrested, they assume he's guilty, or at least a lot of drama they don't want, so they lay off the person. The innocent person gets out of jail and doesn't have a job anymore. Plus he now has a record of being arrested. Anyone who does a background check on him will see that, and will pass on him without investigating further. Plus the person can't sue anyone, because the "Mandatory Reporter" is protected by law from any repercussions. Injustice happens in both directions.)

Sorry I got carried away there in that last paragraph.

Forget that.

(Did I mention support groups? It can help to know you are not alone; you are not the only one who's had this happen to them.)


   
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