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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
w0rthless Offline
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Exclamation Seeing my abuser in court tomorrow (+my never ending life story) - September 18th 2017, 11:19 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I was born to a 16 year old girl who's identity is unknown. Eventually I was abandoned and put up for adoption. The couple who adopted me was a nice, middle aged couple, but the dad was a little, off (you know that feeling?) When I was 10 my then mother started getting in fights with my then father. He was coming home drunk in the middle of the night and sexually abusing her. She broke up with him and gave him a restraining order. When I was 12 he started caning and belting me. A lot of my friends were getting belted at the time so I didn't think much of it. The next year, he came home very drunk and raped me for the first time. I talked to my guidance counselor at school later and she said she couldn't handle the issue and she would call the police for me. I said I'd do it myself sometime, but ended up being too shy and embarrassed to do it. I was also worried about what my dad might say if he found out. I loved him when he had his wits about him, and we still talked some of the time. (I was, and still am, way too forgiving) In October of 2016, he raped me a second time, and all my love for him disappeared. I called the police at school the very next day, and they escorted me to the hospital for a rape kit.

The results were positive for rape.

I was taken out of his custody and went to a treatment center in Utah. After that I went to another treatment center, and last month I graduated from that program. I'm currently staying with my non-biological mother's sister, and I was informed that we're going to court tomorrow to a) press charges and b) find out who gets custody over me.

I'm just overall nervous. I don't know what to do. I just want to end this. I can't go on like this.
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del677 Offline
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Re: Seeing my abuser in court tomorrow (+my never ending life story) - September 19th 2017, 02:44 AM

Who would you like to live with?

Your opinion is important.

If you and whomever you want to be your guardian agree and come up with a plan, then that makes it easy for the judge, all he has to do is approve the plan, which is easy when it's already been planned by you and the other person.

And what would you like to happen to your alcoholic dad? Follow your heart on that one. Is there a treatment program you'd like to see him in? Want him to just go to prison?

Facing prison he's probably willing to cut a deal and accept a probation where he has to...--- whatever you want him to do.

Sounds like he has a drinking problem. Maybe you'd like to see him get help for that. He'd be on probation, the officers would check him for drinking, he'd probably eventually relapse, they'd pick him up and put him in jail for a while, and the judge would decide if he gets another chance.

That way you can say it wasn't you who sent him to prison if he ends up there. You can say he did it to himself because he couldn't stop drinking. (Which is pretty much the definition of addiction: when you decide to stop and then discover you literally can not stop.)

Or if you think he's dangerous and should just go to prison you could push for that too. There would be a trial, and the defending attorney would put you through the ringer, doing everything possible to get his client off easy. You'd have to retell everything in gory detail, and the defending attorney would do everything in his power to make you very uncomfortable and miserable.

That's why it might be easier on everyone to do a plea bargain, put him on probation, insist he gets help, must stop drinking, must stay away from you, etc. He'd either have to agree, or take his chances with a trial, so he'd agree and everyone would save the expense of expensive attorneys and a tortuous trial.

You could make him do a year of "alcohol court," or "drug court", or whatever they call it there, where he has to go to groups several times a week, the probation officers check up on him frequently, to ensure he's complying, and he has to complete the one year program without relapsing, which typically they do, so it ends up being a 3-5 year program, but they eventually get well, or they end up in prison, which is just to save their life from death by alcohol.

And there's healing you. You've been through so much trauma! Being raped twice is brutal. It may be a long time before you're comfortable having a boyfriend.

Possibly meeting other women your age who have been through similar traumatic experiences, might help. You find you're not the only one, there are others like you, who understand in a way no one else can, because they've actually been there, just like you. The group ends up supporting each other, helping each other heal, simply by being in a group where you feel safe, you feel safe to talk about whatever is on your mind, and everyone still accepts you even after you've told them your deepest darkest fears and insecurities, which helps one feel they must be OK, since everyone still accepts them even when they know the truth about them. It's the kind of healing that has to be experienced. There's nothing you can read alone that can match the power of a supportive group of women.


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cynefin Offline
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Re: Seeing my abuser in court tomorrow (+my never ending life story) - September 19th 2017, 12:27 PM

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It is unfortunate that you did not have a lot of warning before having to go to court. Perhaps it would have helped more if you knew about it a little earlier.

The court process can be scary and daunting, but you can do this. It might help if you bring things that you find safe. For instance, you could bring a blanket, a stuffed animal, or a favorite object to keep inside your hands if you get nervous. How is your relationship with your aunt? Perhaps you could lean on her if you need support. You could let her know what she can do to help you if there's anything you need.

It may also help to plan what you'd like to do after it's over. For instance, you could go to a restaurant, watch a movie, or play a game with your aunt. Keeping your mind occupied could help with your overall anxiety about things.

Above all, take care of yourself during this time. Try to make sure you're eating, sleeping, and taken care of. You could also practice more self-soothe techniques than you usually do in effort to help with the feelings you're experiencing.

Feel free to keep us updated.

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