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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Noire Offline
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I saved someone from him - November 22nd 2017, 04:45 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

About six months ago I posted a journal entry on a social media site about the abuse I went through with my ex, B, while we were together. I received an outcry of support for doing so. People publicly supported me and several people came forward and said they had encountered the same abuse with him and they were there if I ever needed anyone to talk to. Eventually my ex wrote a response of sorts that was indirectly directed at me in which he didn't apologize once for his behavior and, if anything, blamed me for it. While this was hurtful I was happy to know that my words kept him from presenting in certain circles we're involved in. Presenting is his greatest passion and I always felt he was a danger to the community and shouldn't be allowed to teach at events. I felt happy that I was able to prevent him from doing so, and even happier when I found out he wrote another post to try and dig himself out of trouble.

Fast forward to today. I largely go without thinking about B. The effects of his abuse have been long lasting but I am finally starting to find peace. Today someone wrote me and told me thank you for my blog post and that they'd just broken up with him about a month ago. I told them I was sorry and asked if there was anything I could do. They told me that they'd read my post when they first started dating him. They went on anyway, but it gave them red flags to look out for, and as soon as they popped up he left my ex. It hurt, but not as badly as it would've had he'd stayed on oblivious to the master manipulator my ex really is. In his words., "know you stopped at least one person from getting totally walked on by some asshole."

I don't know how I feel about this. I haven't responded yet. I'm happy my post could save someone from being completely ruined like I was. But I'm also sad. I'm sad for the pain I went through, for the pain I feel every time someone mentions that blog post. I will never take it down because it's too important, but it cost me to write it. It's a constant reminder of what I suffered. I want to help others, but I also want to stop myself from hurting. And I guess that's it: when does it stop hurting? When are you totally healed? I mean, I can't look at things my ex posts anymore because I feel I'm not strong enough to resist his manipulation, even though I know it's there. I get confused every time I see him say something nice in our past texts, because I KNOW he was abusive. I felt it in my heart, and multiple people have told me that he was. Shouldn't I believe it by now?

I guess I'm glad I helped, but I want my suffering to stop. Any idea when it will? I mean it's been two years already for goodness' sake. Shouldn't I be over it by now?


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Re: I saved someone from him - November 22nd 2017, 01:26 PM

Something someone important to me once told me in regards to my recovery was to refrain from using "should" when I spoke about myself. Everyone heals differently in their own time and there is no "should" when it comes to progress. Rather, it just is.

People tend to be their own biggest critics when it comes to recovery and how far they've come or how far they think they should have come. What you've experienced may never completely stop hurting, but perhaps the pain will fade a bit or become more tolerable.

It is different for everyone but maybe, for you, it's more about leading a full and healthy life despite the faded pain instead of being completely free from it.

Take your time in your recovery. Also remember that it is not fully uphill all the time. Sometimes it's more of a roller coaster.


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Re: I saved someone from him - November 23rd 2017, 01:20 PM

I agree with Cassie, recovery takes time and is different for everyone. I think that with time the hurting will decrease. At one point in my life, I didn't believe that the hurt associated with my trauma would ever diminish. I pretty much obsessed about it for year and then I got to a point where it got better and I stopped obsessing and I stopped hurting as much. There are times when I don't feel as great and I have been told that is something that I might have to live with for a very long time but my good days do far out number my bad.

So, I think that can happen for you too but when and how it happens will likely be different for you than it was for me.

I think it was really great of you to write that blog post by the way. Not even because it saved someone (although that is great too) but because you were able to speak out about what he did. You spoke out even though you knew this person had a very big presence in that particular community. That is not an easy thing to do and, in my opinion, it shows how brave you are and how hard you are trying to heal.

I don't know if this helped all that much. I am here if you ever want to chat. Please keep hanging in there.


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