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TH Anonymous Offline
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It is driving me crazy - February 14th 2018, 04:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

[SIZE="a"]Hey there again. I made a thread here, so you get some background information. Well I dont know if people can read my mind or what but I'm starting to wonder how come whenever I think too much about previous abuse and start to anticipate more abuse coming, I end up feeling like it somewhat came true?

Well I also prayed (and I don't usually pray because of my bad experiences with religion by whole life) but I prayed to God that something more clear-cut happens. Something physical or sexual that is clearly violent. Not something that someone can say "well that was just a gentle tap that you interpreted to be too harsh on your skin" or "he meant well and wants the best for you" or one of my most hated and triggering phrases "your family really loves you deep down, they just have a hard way of showing it"

I feel like I need something to prove to myself, due to severe bouts of self doubt and to others, ie professionals and service providers.

Well last week I think it was, my father made an extremely joke that in its nature is sexually violent. He also made comments about my body that were sexual and my sister videotaped it for jokes. Then she sent it to me. I watched it over and over again and I dont know how it would be to someone on the outside but I cringe when I watch it. I was being scrutinized invasively and shamed but passed made to seem like a joke.

Yesterday he was laughing at a picture of me that I admit was intended to be funny but I did not send the picture to him directly. I sent it to one sister who sent it to another sister, who then showed it to my dad and were both laughing. I am actually not on good terms with all 3 of them but I did something stupid to even send the picture to the first sister. Part of me wants to stop being so angry at them and for us to be close but then again I am angry for a reason and the reason is that they hurt me badly.

Well my father was laughing so hard and I was standing there and he started smacking my back and I jumped a bit. You know how people hit the table when they're laughing or hit themselves? Well he hit ME and if someone hits themselves in a playful way while they laugh, that's one thing because they can regulate their pain level. But my father just started smacking me out of nowhere.

I can't talk to him about it because things are so unhealthy. I do not feel safe talking to him. As stated in the previous thread, he had in the past taken what I said had bothered me and done those very same things more than he had to, with full awareness it bothers me and then criticized me or insulted me for having those needs.

I dont know why I sent the picture to the sister who videotaped me. But I am upset she sent to a sister who hurts me all the time. Well then again, so does she.

It is all so confusing and to top it all off, I'm having pretty severe problems at the outpatient program im going to for therapy. It is like a breakdown in my support system right now. Something I worked really hard and long to build.
I feel like I cannot trust professionals. It got to the point that I've been re-traumatized repeatedly.

I am lost and wondering as a peer-based site, if you can offer support or understanding. Not necessarily advice. Just want to feel heard and cared about.[/size]
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Re: It is driving me crazy - February 16th 2018, 01:47 PM

We hear you and we care about you. I am sorry your family treats you the way they do because you deserve so much better than that. How they treat you says so much negativity about them but it also says that you are amazing and strong for continuing to help yourself and fight this. This isn’t easy and you’re still going and that is so awesome in itself.

The doubt when it comes to abuse can be very difficult. One of the things I learned was that it took so much work to make the doubt more tolerable but it barely took anything to take that work and crash it to the ground. In time, the doubt will fade and you will slowly come to terms with all you have endured. Sometimes the doubt will sneak in but it will be so much better overall.

It must be hard to feel like you need to prove something to professionals and service providers, and possibly to yourself with your self-doubt. Know that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You know what’s going on in your family. You know how you feel about it, etc, and no one can take that away from you, no matter what they say. Remember that.

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Celyn Offline
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Re: It is driving me crazy - February 16th 2018, 11:16 PM

When it comes to abuse, it can be quite common to be dismissive of your own experiences, and doubt whether it is actually abuse. And it's understandable that if something overtly abusive happened, it would help you to validate that what you are experiencing is abuse. And if you live in abusive environment, then it's likely something abusive will happen- making you feel like when you are thinking about the abuse, it happens.

I'm sorry to hear that professionals and other people have dismissed your experiences, as that can definitely make you doubt what you are going through. But believe in how you feel!

I'm also saddened to hear about your father making sexual jokes, and your sister filming it, as well as the other occasion where you are getting laughed at and where your father hits you. It must feel like you are getting teamed up against?

We definitely care about you! And I hope that you feel heard too. What you are going through is abusive, but it can be quite common to doubt it, especially when it's family. But as it's been said, you do deserve better!

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