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Exclamation My mother makes my skin crawl. - April 25th 2018, 04:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello everyone. I'm a fifteen year old that lives in Lithuania, I had always been a happy boy, but it all changed once I kept growing up year after year. I sometimes have emotional breakdowns. I throw tantrums at times. When I get triggered by my mother, my tantrums go to the point I even make random objects fly across my room, damaging anything without a single care.

The problem (to me at least) is pretty obvious. I have a mother with anger issues and overall disgusting manners to the point I just can't have a normal conversation with her anymore. She grew up in Lithuania, back when it was still a part of Soviet Union, in a village. It was back when there were no such thing as "child protective services" in the country and ect., and pretty much was raised in the way that did seem fit at the time. What i'm talking about is belt punishments, and all of that jazz that I just hate. She most likely still sees this as a proper way of raising a child.

Back when I was still little (about 5-8 years old), I used to get "the belt" DAILY. Then again, I was a mischevious and stubborn child, though. To be honest, I do think that it was justified. But recently, after my parents divorce and when puberty began to hit me, even more problems arose.
I became more aware of what the hell is even happening in the household with my mother around.

She always yells at me. Sometimes for no damn reason at all. I can't talk to her without being yelled at. She cusses me out in words where she got from wherever-the-hell she got them. For whatever bullshit reason, more than once rose a hand against me. The most recent two times with me defending myself and actually fighting back, and believe me, I didn't even want to hit back, and I felt terrible doing it. It was my last resort because I honestly did think that she was going to harm me seriously.
I believe that there was never a day where she hadn't cussed in the last 3-5 or so years. It seems that she is always in a bad mood, and when she is in a good mood, which happens rarely, she actually comes to try and talk to me and spend some time with me, but I just don't want anything to do with her anymore. I reject her. She teased me at times any way she can, making eating sounds (triggering my slight misophonia that I've told her I have self-diagonosed), acting like a damn animal with no manners at all sometimes and when I reject her when I snap, almost all of the times this happens, it grows into another conflict.

I hate my step father too. I really damn do. When he gets drunk, he always becomes somewhat aggressive and active, which is opposite of how he acts when he is sober. He had raised a hand against me four or six times already. With the most recent once being last year September 1st. He had gotten so aggressive, that he went on a full assault and I needed to fight back and protect my mother. I somehow got him out of the house and we called police. My mother decided not to get him in jail.

As stated above, I had thrown tantrums, had emotional breakdowns as a result of this. I have low self esteem. I experience bullying. I'm always full of anger and hatred. I'm cussing freely in my home as a result of this, I guess. I hate the sight of anyone in the household, including my little brother, mother and stepfather.
I have so much pressure on myself, I sometimes get suicidal thoughts and I keep getting depressed at times.

I try to cope with this. I had been cutting in 2016, but stopped now. Instead, I had begun to smoke and drink with my little amount of friends that I have. I want all of this to stop, but it's really unlikely. I wrote this post so I could let it all out. If you read this from A to Z, i'm probably not as much different from everyone all of you.

Thank you for your attention.
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Re: My mother makes my skin crawl. - April 30th 2018, 04:48 PM


I saw this post and thought it might fit better in the abuse forum as it seems like that is what you are dealing with to some degree.

In my opinion, the tantrums you are dealing with could be a direct result of having to live with people who have not been treating you well. Both your mom and step father have been quite unkind and abusive (in my opinion). Having to live with people who have brought harm to us can cause us to react in a lot of different ways. I think that it might help if you can try and avoid these people to the best of your ability. I know that when I was living with an abusive parent I made my room my safe place. I was able to go there when I needed to keep myself safe and it helped to some extent. For some people it can help to get out of the house more often because they are not around the person as much. I know it isn't always possible to get away from the people who harm us though.

Another thing is that the anger you are feeling is quite normal. It might feel bad to be angry but when we are dealing with bullying and abuse it can cause us to feel anger. Try and be gentle with yourself when you feel angry because a lot of people would feel similarly.

I am wishing you the best and if you need anything feel free to message me.

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