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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Exclamation Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 2nd 2018, 04:10 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I labelled this triggering because this is a very personal issue I have, and don't want to offend others while seeking advice.

Every time something on the news comes up (or anywhere else, even in casual conversations) about rape/molestation, it immediately makes me hate the victim/survivor. Not just a little bit, but extreme anger. I despise them. I HATE them. I'm disgusted with them. Having been heavily abused myself, I am not sure why this is. I don't want to feel thay way, but I do. So much so that its almost an obsessive feeling of hate. I'm looking for anyone who is familiar with this to help me understand why I feel this way, because I truly don't know.


   
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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 2nd 2018, 02:39 PM

Hello,

I think that speaking to a counselor about this is your best option. There are too many reasons as to why you could be feeling this way and a counselor could help you narrow down the reasons and start to figure out how to cope. Something that might help is journaling about what you feel when you hear about other survivors. While it seems like you are able to identify the feelings journaling about it might, slowly, open your eyes to the reasons as to why. You could consider utilizing our blogs section to keep track of these feelings. I know the blogs section has been helpful to a lot of our users.

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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 2nd 2018, 03:36 PM

Hey,
I agree with Jenna, on talking to a therapist. They will help you understand why you feel hatred towards other survives. I know that I look at other survivors and see that there abuse was worse than mine and feel like I shouldn't be complaining. So it maybe something like that.

Another thing that I think might help is whenever you hear about a survivor you could right down the event and how you feel and try and pinpoint the exact reason you feel this way towards each person you encounter. This may help you understand your feelings better.

I hope this helped a little. You can always PM/VM me if you need to talk.

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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 2nd 2018, 08:47 PM

I need advice from someone here, I can’t talk to a therapist.


   
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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 2nd 2018, 10:56 PM

I know I'm no professional, and I don't mean to offend in any way by saying this, but it sounds to me like this is projection. Maybe it's not so much that you hate them, but you hate yourself for whatever may have happened, or something that you did/didn't do while dealing with it? It could also be with heir story and how they dealt with it. Maybe things were easier on them, and you feel like they're being dramatic or that they don't deserve to be called a survivor because you've seen worse? Or maybe they have seen worse, and just dealt with it better, and your disappointed in your self for not doing as well as they did?
I know that sounds bad but I dont mean anything bad by it. I only say this because I've seen it around me, or I've done it myself. I know what that's like, and your not a bad person for thinking that. These are just suggestions, I'm not implying anything beyond that.
   
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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 3rd 2018, 03:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TraitorBaby View Post
I know I'm no professional, and I don't mean to offend in any way by saying this, but it sounds to me like this is projection. Maybe it's not so much that you hate them, but you hate yourself for whatever may have happened, or something that you did/didn't do while dealing with it? It could also be with heir story and how they dealt with it. Maybe things were easier on them, and you feel like they're being dramatic or that they don't deserve to be called a survivor because you've seen worse? Or maybe they have seen worse, and just dealt with it better, and your disappointed in your self for not doing as well as they did?
I know that sounds bad but I dont mean anything bad by it. I only say this because I've seen it around me, or I've done it myself. I know what that's like, and your not a bad person for thinking that. These are just suggestions, I'm not implying anything beyond that.
I doubt they’ve seen worse, and it isn’t projection,


   
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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 4th 2018, 11:58 AM

Some people who have been abused struggle with having empathy and sympathy. Perhaps you have difficulty with those things due to your abuse, and thus get angry at other survivors. Is it hard for you to feel sympathy or empathy for people in other situations or do you feel like that's just related to abuse?

You said you doubt other people have seen worse. Typically there is someone who has had it worse and someone who has had it better; that's kind of how life works. However, that doesn't really matter because abuse is abuse and it's all damaging in some way. Maybe you feel feelings of jealousy towards other survivors because you want to be the one who has lived through the worst of situations? Maybe, for some reason, you want to be above them in that way?


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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 6th 2018, 06:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by cynefin View Post
Some people who have been abused struggle with having empathy and sympathy. Perhaps you have difficulty with those things due to your abuse, and thus get angry at other survivors. Is it hard for you to feel sympathy or empathy for people in other situations or do you feel like that's just related to abuse?

You said you doubt other people have seen worse. Typically there is someone who has had it worse and someone who has had it better; that's kind of how life works. However, that doesn't really matter because abuse is abuse and it's all damaging in some way. Maybe you feel feelings of jealousy towards other survivors because you want to be the one who has lived through the worst of situations? Maybe, for some reason, you want to be above them in that way?
I doubt someone has had worse than me, probably just equal. It is hard for me to feel sympathy.


   
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Re: Victim/Survivor Hating? - May 7th 2018, 07:36 AM

after the MeToo movement started i began to experience similar feelings a lot. it wasn't for people who said they were raped or molested, but for the people who said shit like, "a man looked at my ass #MeToo". liiiiiike okay, sure, you could call that sexual harassment if it got to a certain degree. but having experienced both rape and random creeps checking me out, i do have to say that the trauma i experienced from the rape cannot even be compared to the slight discomfort i feel when some old guy looks at my boobs. it's on an entirely different level.
so i did feel some anger towards people who posted things like that, because it felt less like they were a victim and more like they were trying to hop onto the bandwagon of victimhood at the expense of undermining actual victims.

but the fact of the matter is, whether i like it or not, those people are still victims of that discomfort of feeling sexualized when there's really no need to be. they're still victims of feeling uncomfortable and grossed out when they're just trying to live their lives, all because some guy wanted to act creepy. and while it pisses me off when people milk experiences like that for oppression points, i can sympathize with that situation to a point.

so i think you should work on sympathy, for starters. just because you think you've had it the worst doesn't mean that their problems, their assault, their trauma, and the experiences that they were forced to endure make them any less of a victim and make them any less valid.
and likewise, just because someone has had it worse than you doesn't make your past, your trauma, and your victimhood any less valid either. if you experience something negative, it is valid, because it's your experience. simple as that.

next time you see a story like that, try to find something that helps you calm your anger down and instead helps you to sympathize with that victim. whether it's mentally putting yourself in their situation (be careful with that one), imagining what they would feel if they could hear your angry thoughts, etc.
a good exercise might even be to think of a scenario that would be even worse than your experiences. create a fake victim, and try to sympathize with them.

all in all, i think you need to understand that having it worse doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. people deal with trauma completely differently. one person might not be phased by a violent assault for ten years, while a person who was accidentally groped in public could be afraid of crowded areas for the rest of their lives. you never know what other people have been through. and no matter what they've been through physically, you can never know the emotional turmoil they've experienced because of it.


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