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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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dancer Offline
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help? - May 27th 2009, 07:08 PM

Is there a way to make verbal abuse stop?


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Re: help? - May 27th 2009, 07:18 PM

Hi Dancer

Verbal abuse is very difficult to deal with, so Im so sorry your going through it.

Verbal abuse, is best to just ignore. If you give attention to the abuse, thats whats wanted. Your are feeding yourself. So verbal abuse just laugh it off or ignore.

However - If it gets really serious, & you ignore, but it keeps going, then I would tell someone like a counsellor or friend.

Just keep your chin up

Jamie
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: help? - May 27th 2009, 07:36 PM

Thanks

I try to ignore it, but there were a few days where I woke up and went to bed to the sound of someone screaming at me or at my mom.

I guess what's most frustrating for me is when it's not at me but at my mom - from my sister, surprisingly, or my dad. And my mom hasn't really been doing anything about it but keeps taking it (she says she thinks she "can't change my dad" and my sister can get so out of control sometimes), and I'm worried about when I go away to college, leaving her alone with them...


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: help? - May 27th 2009, 08:45 PM

Hey there,

The important thing to remember is that verbal abuse is never ok, something no one deserves to have to put up with. Not you, not your sister, not your mum. Abuse is something that you can't let continue, you can't keep quiet when someone is hurting you in this way. Keeping quiet is the worst thing you can do because it's not fair for you to have to be in this kind of environment. You have to stand up for yourself and do something about this, or else nothing is going to change, you know?

Confrontation could definitely help here, I think. You and your mum need to confront both your sister and your dad, and tell them how frustrating and stressful it is when they act this way. Tell them how it makes you feel. Put your foot down, don't let them keep doing this. What may be is that your sister and dad aren't aware of their actions - if that's the case, the confrontation may be a wake up call and they'll try to change how they behave.

Your mum especially, needs to put her foot down. Whether she can change your dad or not doesn't matter; she shouldn't have to put up with it. Your mum needs to talk with your dad about how he acts. If nothing changes, talk to her about staying somewhere else for a couple of days, so you don't have to listen to him.

I know what you mean about not wanting to leave her alone. But, you shouldn't have to live in this kind of environment, like I said. If you can get out, get out.

Here anytime you want to talk about anything, take care of yourself. <3



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Re: help? - May 28th 2009, 01:58 AM

Hey,

Verbal abuse is something that can leave scars of every kind on you and even innocent bystanders. It's mean, vindictive and manipulative. It can actually be considered more difficult to spot and stop. Sometimes the abuse is subtle and completely unnoticeable to those but the victim and abuser. It doesn't have to take the appearance of name calling or put downs, it can be sarcastic comments or jokes of any kind. This can make it difficult for the victim to come forth and confront or admit. The insults are so tiny and often that they become a habit of life and, therefore, are not considered any form of reportable abuse. Deep inside, the victim might be, without knowing, creating a lesser and lesser opinion of themselves.

As for your mom, she is a very strong women for living and continuing in such a negative environment. It's hard to survive with such little support from those you care about. Your sister should be respecting her mother to a minimum degree, at least. As for your father, he's supposed to respect her even more so. Regardless of how or why they abuse your mom, it isn't right and never will be. It's very hard to convince and change an abuser if they're determined on a single goal. If he isn't willing to try to change, then he isn't worth the time to stay. Your mom needs to respect herself enough to decide what she is and isn't worth. She is worth much more than this and deserves to live in a positive environment. You're not to blame and it isn't your job to protect her at all. But, I think talking to your mom about what you see and feel about the actions can be beneficial. That way she can hopefully see what someone they love witnesses each day. Maybe this can open her mind and realize what she is worth. Either way, bring it to her attention and let her know how you feel and maybe she can talk to an abuse counselor at a women's shelter? She might be able to get the strength to confront them or change her life around.

You're a good person for caring so much, but you're doing so much already. Just having your kind of love ans support behind her must be doing a world of positive differences for her. I hope things brighten up for you. If you need someone to talk to, look me up anytime. Take care. :]

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Re: help? - May 28th 2009, 05:20 AM

Thanks for all the advice/support, everyone.

Caring people are nice

I guess I just kind of feel like I've hit a brick wall - I've tried talking to my mom multiple times about how my dad's actions affect me, too, and how even if she feels like she can put up with it I don't like and don't think that she should have to put up with it. I've tried telling her about my sister, too. I've also written both my parents notes before trying to explain how I feel, but it seems like they maybe got misfiled in their memories or something, because they never even talked to me about it afterward, even when I tried to ask my mom about what she thought of it. I've tried writing my sister notes, too - she just gets mad and rips them up without reading anymore than maybe the first paragraph of them. Even when that paragraph starts out with stuff like "I'm proud of you and care about you as my younger sister" so that I try not to sound accusatory or anything. I tried talking to my school counselor, but after a while she told me that she couldn't really help me anymore. And then she left anyway on maternity leave and now I'm out of school. I asked to see someone outside of school, and had to basically beg to see her the four times that I did go. She gave me some ideas on how to tackle addressing it, but they ended up not working, and the last time she also basically told me that she couldn't really do anything more. I tried to get my mom to come in with me once, but she outright told me no, and that she isn't really comfortable going in to a counselor or anything. (Her words were "your dad and I don't really believe in psychology the way you do"...). I and sometimes my mom have tried confronting my dad and sister to varying degrees, but that typically just makes it worse - I normally just get yelled at and told that whoever "can't stand me," and my sister will occasionally listen to my mom for a little while but then start back up again, and my dad typically just starts pressing harder. I looked up some of the signs/types of verbal abuse, and my dad tends to exhibit all of them... the habitualness (I don't think that's the right word...) of it scares me.

I'm not sure, but the rest of this might be triggering, just thought I'd warn people...

I know I said this before, but I am really worried about what's going to happen... my dad tends to drink a lot, and sometimes he's fine, but other times... there was even once, a few years ago, where I had to hide my sister and my mom in my room and run across the hall so we could call the police to get us out of the house. And even then, other than sleeping at my grandmother's that night, nothing was done about it.

I'm sorry, I really don't mean to sound like I'm complaining so much, or just being difficult...


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: help? - June 2nd 2009, 03:18 AM

------
So, this might be merged with the above post, but I thought I'd differentiate by the above line, just in case.

Wow, that's a formal preface...

Anyway, I guess just ranting. Because I don't like being yelled at. Told that I don't matter
that it's my fault
even my fault for the way I'm treated, that I did something wrong and so that's why I get this
I've been told that a few times lately...
I don't like being told that I'm a mistake
I don't like having to second-rate myself
tell myself that I don't matter
that what they wants matters more
just to get through it.

Yeah. Just ranting. Sorry about that.


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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Re: help? - June 3rd 2009, 05:58 AM

I'm sorry I don't have any answers or solutions. But you are not worthless, you are an amazing, incredible persun and I'm proud of you.

Take care.


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